Week 15: We Are Panthers

You may have heard about the Chester Zoo in England where a Komodo dragon has immaculately conceived (self-fertilization is a common amphibian survival mechanism) and is due to deliver eight babies sometime around Christmastime. (http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/12/20/uk.komodo.reut/index.html) The national media isn’t touching this story with a ten-foot pole. But I promise not to make any jokes about that. Even if the Dalai Lama, a few imams, and the Council of Rabbis are planning to send a package of frankincense and myrrh addressed to the “Kings of Kings, Komodo Dragon Enclosure, Chester Zoo, UK.” Because there’s something even more ridiculous.

Amidst all of the pandemonium of holiday travel, a Spanish woman sent her 1-month-old grandson through an x-ray machine at Los Angeles International Airport on Wednesday (http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/12/20/baby.airport.reut/index.html). The woman apparently spoke little English, and was traveling to Mexico. The baby was pulled out and examined at a local hospital, and deemed not to have suffered a dangerous dose of radiation.

That, my friends, is not only the most ridiculous story of this holiday season.

It is also, if I’m not mistaken, the way the Incredible Hulk was created.

Excuse me.

Un Hombre Increible.

Happy Jesus Days!

onto the game. . .

Deep in the heart of the South, the Chris Weinke era roared into a second thrilling week at Bank of America stadium! Nerve damage in his thumb continued to sideline the General, Jake Delhomme, who, watching the rigor mortis of the offense in his absence silence his most vocal critics, was relishing making sure he was 100 percent before coming back.

You know it’s going to be a bad game when the constant on your team, “Leg of God” K John Kasay, misses a FG. In his defense, it was a 50-yarder. Unfortunately, the 50 yard line was good field position for the Panthers in this game.

America’s Team was Weink-tastic against the Steelers this past week! Carolina’s drives were signature Chris Weinke football: punt, missed FG, punt, punt, blocked punt, FG, punt, punt, punt, INT, INT.

The Panthers even brought in QB Brett Basanez on the final drive to replace Weinke, which is a little like placing a Christmas tree air freshener inside a port-a-john on the Mall on July 4th at 8 pm.

And I hear what you’re saying: Chris is a one-of-a-kind talent, but what makes the rest of the team so Weink-tacular? Well, with an o-line plagued with injuries since the first game of the season, the Panthers have had trouble getting their running game going, putting more pressure on a passing game that unfortunately relies upon a serviceable-at-best quarterback. Their defense has kept them in games, but it hasn’t been infallible, particularly with the rash of injuries at the cornerback position, which has given up game-deciding long plays.

The Blitzburg defense was ferocious, and Weinke went down more times than Miss Nevada (http://splashnewsonline.blogspot.com/2003/12/photos-that-stripped-ms-nevada-of-her.html). [NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK] Willie Parker ran for 132 yards and Ben Roethlisberger converted 10 of 17 third downs, finishing 11-of-18 for 140 yards, 1 TD and no INTs.

Despite the odds, it’s Tar Heel Blue that runs through Chris Weinke’s veins, and for three quarters he kept it close! But no matter how great you are, a little bad luck can be your undoing. Early in the fourth, a Weink-ocious INT gave the Steelers the lucky break they needed to pull away, 34-3, and Carolina simply didn’t have enough time outs to make a comeback.

I don’t care who your team is, the nation is rallying behind everyone’s favorite underdog to win two straight and make another run at the Super Bowl! Have you ever witnessed a moment in history when a nation has so solidly believed in a longshot? When an entire country has silently cheered a gritty team of misfits that no one gave a chance? Their time is now! The playoff hunt begins in earnest this weekend! The Panthers travel to Atlanta to take on the 7-7 Falcons, who need this game to stay in the wild card hunt. No blog next week, while I’m on vacation; see you next year in the wild cards!

Prediction: Panthers 37, Falcons 20; Panthers 62, Saints 3

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRR!

[This week’s superbly entertaining YouTube recommendation: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM)]

Week 14: Season's Beatings

Every December, my father attends a medical conference in New York City, and I fly up and spend the weekend with him. The conference took place this past weekend, and I flew up on Thursday night. This year, I flew my mother into town as well.

--

Calling my mother on the way to LaGuardia

Me: Remind me what hotel he’s staying at?

Mom: Oh God, let me think. It’s…it’s called…he’s staying at the Twin Towers.

Me: Mmm, you’re going to want to recheck that.

(Correct answer: Sheraton Towers)

The first night at dinner

Every hotel stay for my parents becomes an epic battle of wills between them and the cleaning staff, whom they are convinced spend every idle moment devising new ways to rob them. We cannot simply leave our room than a soldier can pop away from his foxhole to stretch his legs a bit. The act of departing becomes a fifteen-minute ordeal. Anything of possible value has to be squirreled away into increasingly complex hiding spots. (My mother’s coin purse was tucked away into the inside pocket of my work bag, which itself was swaddled in loose papers for camouflage.) All loose change has to be collected, distributed across all of our pockets, and taken with us.

I’m the late riser of the house. My parents are usually up by 5:30, but even in New York, there’s not a whole lot you can do at that hour. Saturday morning, my mother turned on some lights and asked me how the t.v. worked. I handed her the remote and pulled a pillow over my head, waiting for a little more daylight before I went running in Central Park.

You know how, even if you’re not looking at a television directly, you can tell from the flickering light on the wall that something is happening on your t.v. screen? There was no sound yet, but I could tell there was activity.

I rolled over. On screen, across the top in bold letters, were the words “MATURE CONTENT,” and of the two possible options (“Select” and “Cancel”), the first had been highlighted. I looked over to where my mother was pressing random buttons on the remote.

“Here, why don’t you give me that?”

“But I want to watch a program.”

“You don’t want to watch that one.”

--

We were waiting for the crossing signal across from Rockefeller Center when we heard the sirens. Several cars back, a police car was trying to make its way through gridlock. The cars in front of it honked at the tourist crowd who were (legally) on the crosswalk and blocking them from moving. The general response was to look up at the crossing signal and then back at the cars in annoyance, or just mouth off to them directly.

I guess when you buy the FDNY/NYPD sweatshirts, you’re not obligated to care the other 364 days of the year.

--

My mother and I visited St. Patrick’s Cathedral. I tried to convince her that if she blew out all of the votives in one breath, her wish would come true. She wasn’t biting.

--

True story, in line to get into St. Patrick’s

The tourists in front of us were awestruck by the cathedral.

“Isn’t this amazing? Oh, it’s so spiritual being here, it just puts you in a totally different frame of mind—”

As she moved forward, she consciously ignored the woman standing at the church door, begging for alms

“—very spiritual.” “Oh, I agree,” nodded her friend. “It’s very spiritual.”

onto the game. . .

Let’s take a trip in the way-back machine, to my ’06 season preview report:

“This past Saturday, the Panthers cut their number three and four QBs, Stefan LaFors and Brett Basanez. ??? Who the heck are these guys? Do you realize we’re one cheap Kimo von Oelhoffen hit away from a Chris Weinke start? It didn’t have to be like this. Jeff Garcia was available. Kerry Collins was available. You don’t think these guys would consider joining a team with a shot at the Super Bowl? Even Billy Volek is available.”

Fast forward in time. Rumsfeld has resigned, the Democrats have won a national election, hell has officially frozen over, and up first in “all skate” is Chris Weinke. That’s right, this past Sunday, when the 6-6 Giants traveled to the Den to take on their wild card competition, the Appalachian Express, America’s Team, your CAROLINA PANTHERS, Chris Weinke, architect of the Panthers’ 1-15 season, was standing in for The General, Jake Delhomme. (Delhomme was nursing ligament damage in his thumb that would have prevented him from overthrowing his receivers in the fourth quarter.)

To the delight of fans worldwide, the first half was an exquisite offensive ballet, were the ballet dancers Stephen Hawking and Terry Schiavo. Eli Manning, showing all the confidence of a flat-chested girl in braces at her first high-school dance, overthrew Plaxico Burress and underthrew Jeremy Shockey. Luckily for them, the Panthers, without their starting cornerbacks, lost one of their second-string corners five minutes into the game, and compensated by inserting a middle-schooler from the NFL’s “Punt, Pass, Kick” league with a “lot of upside.” Giants take advantage to go up by 10!

Would the Panthers roll over and die? Not with the offense in the hands of former Heisman trophy winner and Rogaine poster boy Chris Weinke! With WR Steve Smith in double coverage the entire game, Weinke threw a TD pass to WR Drew Carter, the best third option since Roger Moore ordered his martini shaken not stirred. A FG by K John “Leg of God” Kasay, and we’re tied at 10!

Then, in the third, with their ground game non-existent, Weinke threw two interceptions. The Giants converted, entering the fourth leading 27-10. The Panthers responded by abandoning the running game, finishing with a 61-15 pass/run ratio! Weinke throws for 418 yards with 1 TD and 3 INTs. The 2001 magic is back, baby! Giants win 27-13.

Reader mail feature:

From Kevin C., at FBI headquarters (re: Michael’s defense of going for a PAT even if your QB can make a two-point conversion more than 50% of the time):

“I had to read the whole disclaimer before concluding that he was just making a dick comment and had no punchline.”

Next week:

From Michael Y., in Cairo, Egypt (subject line: “This Weekend”)

“What most people thought could be a preview of the Super Bowl has turned into a battle between two mediocre teams. I'm certain my Steelers will prevail and keep their minimal playoff chances still possible.”

After a grueling season, the feel-good story of the year, the gritty Panthers have hissed and clawed their way into the wild card hunt. It’s playoff mode from here on out! Can the Cinderella team of the century overcome the odds, find strength in each other, put aside their differences to work as a team, learn how to love again, and save the park from the developer?

Were there but a single universal truth to beam out in radio waves across outer space to let our distant neighbors know that, yes, intelligent life does exist on Earth, it would be this: you cannot stop Steve Smith at playoff time.

And right now, it’s on.

Prediction: Panthers 49, Steelers 6

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRR!

Week 13: Apocalypto

The John Mellencamp-Chevy Silverado commercial has been talked about ad mortem, but there are other commercials that are being run ad nauseam.

Lexis December-to-Remember (setup: two guys walking around a Lexis w a red bow parked on the street): This is the one that goes “Someone got a Lexis for Christmas.” “Someone did.” “Maybe someone should start clearing out space in the garage.” “Someone already has.” I’ve watched this commercial more than five times, and I still have no idea what’s going on. Do they know who bought the Lexis? Did one of them buy it for his wife? Did one of them buy it for the other? “Someone should move to Massachusetts.” “Maybe someone plans to.” “Maybe someone will join him.”

Favorite new product name: Liquid Plumr’s “Foaming Pipe Snake” (http://www99.epinions.com/content_176223194756)

Rocky Balboa (movie trailer): classic example of not having enough friends in the real world. Sly, of course when people come up to you, they’re going to talk about “Rocky.” Frankly, you’re not that interesting. That doesn’t mean that when you’re not around, the rest of the world is talking about “Rocky.” And this is coming from someone who defends Rocky V.

Memo to NBC execs, t.v. critics, and intellectually superior fans—instead of blaming the low ratings for “Studio 60” on America’s inability to appreciate intelligent programming, try making a promo that’s even remotely funny or interesting. And then maybe you won’t get your Nielsens handed to you by Hilariously Mismatched Overweight Guy and Saucy Wife Prefab Sitcom.

---

New track recommendation: “Hood Boy,” Fantasia Barrino feat. Big Boi (URL)

Fantasia = Macey Gray – Renee Zellwegger

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There’s a lot of talk about how Tennessee can beat any team in the league right now. Let’s not get carried away. Any football prognosticator honest enough to tally their picks will almost always finish a season close to .500. In other words, you can probably call as many games by season’s end by flipping a coin as can the people making seven figures a year doing nothing but this. Any team can be beaten any week; Tennessee has managed to come up heads a few weeks in a row. But take a look at how it’s won—this team would just as easily have finished 3-13. Remember the coin flip model; it becomes important later.

---

onto the game. . .

Heading into the bright lights of Monday night, the question on everyone’s mind was, can America’s Team, your CAROLINA PANTHERS keep up their momentum and remain one of the few true powerhouses of the NFC? An entire nation was treated to a clinic on Panther football.

First half: punt, punt, punt, Carolina touchdown (Smith), punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, Philadelphia touchdown (Westbrook), punt, punt, Carolina touchdown (Johnson). Panthers lead 14-7 at the half!

[Cue Hank Williams Jr. “Are you ready for some punting?/A whole lotta three ‘n outs!/Lackadaisical offense/Is what Carolina’s all about. . .(Little Richard: “Whoooo!”)”]

The second half was a battle for the ages. Point for point, QB Jeff Garcia (despite being oddly booed by Philly fans) matched the best that Delhomme and the Panthers could offer. The Philly receivers kept burning the Carolina corners, and Garcia tied it at 14. However, RB DeAngelo “Brown Sugar” Williams, having a career night in his spotlight as the starter, ran in a 35 yard pass from Delhomme, to put the Panthers up 21-14 at the start of the fourth!

The Big Cat D held the Phillies to 3, and a FG from “Leg of God” K John Kasay brought the Carolina lead back up to 7. Shot of Sylvester Stallone in a booth, mouthing, “Please make me still relevant.” If I can change, you can change! We can all change! Garcia throws a 40-yard pass, Carolina corners practice nonviolent resistance. We’re tied at 24!

Then, with fewer than ten minutes left, Delhomme throws deep directly into the hands of Brian Dawkins. Slight problem. Brian Dawkins plays for the Eagles. Delhomme’s been referred to as a “riverboat gambler,” “gunslinger,” and on Monday Night, by Steve Young as a “swashbuckler.” Since when did it become necessary to use romance-novel covers to describe a quarterback who sucks?

There are those who run from adversity. There are those who are made great by it. Eagles take it to the Carolina 12. But the Growling Wall would not give! With a first down at the Carolina 12, Philadelphia is held to a field goal. Down three points, Carolina has a chance to win the game outright!

WR Steve Smith sets up a 1^st and 7 at the Philly 7, with 48 seconds left and two timeouts. At worst, this game is going to go into overtime. But there won’t be a worst-case scenario.

Because with Delhomme, there’s always a worster-case scenario! End zone interception by Lito Sheppard on a pass intended for Keyshawn Johnson! Garcia kneels it out, and the Eagles win by 3!

There’s been mounting criticism of Delhomme these past few weeks, but I question whether he’s to blame for the two interceptions at Philly. The final play was the exact same play he’d made at the end of the first half to Keyshawn to put the Panthers up. Keyshawn didn’t get separation this time, and out of the next nine times Lito Sheppard tried to keep his feet inbounds on that grab, I’m sure he’d make it exactly zero times. It was that close.

As for the first INT, look back two plays. Nick Goings seemingly missed his route, Delhomme overthrew him, and was almost picked off by a safety coming in to defend. Fast forward. Goings takes a shorter route than Delhomme is expecting, the pass is overthrown. . .to the safety coming in to defend. I’d say there’s a better than even chance Goings messed up his route twice (I’m also convinced he suffered severe brain damage in the hit he took in Seattle during last year’s championship game).

So, was it Delhomme’s responsibility to not lob the first pass so high, and make a correction when he saw Keyshawn out of position? Would he even have been able to adjust on a timing pass? Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t play football. But I take exception to the criticism from the commentators, talking about how much worse Delhomme is this season. Over his career in Carolina, his completion percentage is about 60%, he throws about 15.5 interceptions each year, and he finishes with a QB rating in the mid to high eighties. As of the ¾ mark of the season, he’s projected to complete 59.4 percent, throw 15 interceptions, and finish with a QB rating of 79.4.

Remember the coin flip analogy I was making earlier? It’s the same Jake Delhomme. He’s just turning up tails right now. (And when your number two guy is 1-15 as a starter, there’s no point in even talking about benching Delhomme, unless you want to just hike the ball directly to the intended receiver every play.)

So, after battling through a bruising season, the Panthers have clawed their way into the thick of the wild-card hunt! Is there any team in the NFL that other teams are more afraid of playing right now than the Panthers?!

Next week: Giants at Panthers. With the exception of Dallas-New Orleans, the most exciting NFC matchup next week! Do you realize that we may witness the most entertaining fourth quarter in NFL history? It’s like some cosmic dream race between Mount Vesuvius and Three Mile Island! Delhomme will have one of his signature tantrums while Eli “Bizarro Delhomme” will start throwing shovel passes directly to Julius Peppers! Burress and his safety coverage will both quit and just start walking their plays at some point! Nick Goings will run some retarded route into the stands! Can you feel the excitement?!

Prediction: Panthers 4, Giants 2

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRR!

Week 12: Thanksgiving 2--Revenge of the Indians

Got the following email from Harvard Club of Washington:

Learn How to Pack for the Holidays and Beyond w/the Queen of Innovative
Packing Laura Haverkorn

Sunday, Dec. 10, 2006

Cost: $5.members/$10.nonmembers

Time: 10:30AM - 11:30PM ET

Location: Innovative Luggage

3068 M Street, NW

Washington, DC 20007

202-333-6299

Description: Join us for this complete primer on packing and receive
innovative tips on how to streamline your packing.

Several valuable pieces of luggage will be given away at this event so
please join us and bring friends. Additionally, I understand that each
participant will receive gifts that will aid in the packing process.
Refreshments will be served.

I find this fascinating. How does one become a “Queen” of packing? Is it a hereditary title? Is it decided by “Tetris”? Do Harvard grads really need to pay someone five bucks to show them how to pack a suitcase? Do non-Harvard grads really need to pay someone twice as much to someone to show them how to pack a suitcase? Is that a typo, or does she really expect this to take thirteen hours? What kind of gifts “aid in the packing process”? Bubble wrap? A lien on your worldly goods? What kinds of innovative tips should attendees expect? “Don’t pack that extra rock.” “Underwear can be worn four times, not just twice.” “That ‘Li’l Jihadist Activity Set’ is probably better sent by UPS.”

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I don’t like Christopher Guest movies. In fact, the only thing I dislike more than Christopher Guest movies are gushing fans of Christopher Guest movies. Here’s the inconvenient truth: they’re not funny. The nut scene in “Best in Show”—doesn’t make me laugh. The soup scene in “Best in Show”—doesn’t make me laugh. I don’t care if the dialogue is totally unscripted, or if all of the boom mike operators are Balinese dwarves; the only thing that matters is whether it’s funny or not. I don’t have to “appreciate” a movie because of wildly innovative but ultimately boring dialogue any more than I have to “appreciate” a suck-ass meal because the chef made the entire thing in a dishwasher. If they were documentaries, they’d be pretty funny. But since they’re not, they should be funnier.

---

Onto the game. . .

From Brian B., in NYC:

“btw, my carolina panthers lost today to the washington freaking redskins. I don’t know if you saw the game or heard about the results or anything, but the redskins (4-7 record, LAST ranked defense in the NFC) beat my carolina panthers, helped by an end zone interception, and what you might call a disappointing performance on defense by my carolina panthers, especially in the secondary. washington, on the other hand, played very good defense, holding my carolina panthers to something like 250 yards.

cheers,

brian”

The field was angry last week, my friends.

The Redskins defense, outraged by an espn.com article suggesting that their last-ranked defense wasn’t playing that well, played with a purpose. The Big Cat D, having shut out St. Louis the week before, was spoiling for a fight.

The offensive play-calling, meanwhile, appeared to be fulfilling a Make-a-Wish obligation.

First half: punt, INT, punt, punt, punt, Carolina FG, turnover on downs, punt, punt, punt, Redskins FG, punt, punt, Carolina FG, end of half. Not since “A Mighty Wind” have so many been so enthralled by so little!

After halftime, business picked up. A shank punt from P Jason Baker gave the Redskins the field position to take the lead, 10-7, in the third. But in the fourth, the General, QB Jake Delhomme led the Panthers on a 15-play, 74-yard drive, culminating in a two-feet-barely-in reception by WR Steve Smith in the endzone. Touchdown, Panthers! Panthers up 13-10 with less than seven minutes to go! It’s all over!

But wait. Two drives later, a blown tackle, and Redskins QB Lando Calrissian connects with TE Chris Cooley for a 66-yard TD. Unbelievably, the Redskins are still in it!

With less than two minutes to go, the ball was once again in Jake Delhomme’s hands. In two plays, he took the Panthers from their own 29 to the Redskins 41. Redskins fans were resigning themselves to the inevitable when, instead, they got the unthinkable—an end zone heave into double coverage, with three downs and over a minute left. Interception! Redskins win! The three-hour wait to get out of FedEx field parking lot is raucous!

What happened? The defense, but for a critical missed tackle by DB Mike Minter, had pretty much shut down Washington all day. RB DeAngelo Williams carried the ball 17 times for 68 yards, not execrable by any means. And but for a couple of drops, the wide receivers and tight ends were getting more open than Britney Spears’ “red zone.”

So, is it the coaching or the quarterback?

Coach Fox has made some questionable decisions this season. The three straight running plays late in the fourth quarter of this game, when they were down by one score. The Keyshawn trick play resulting in an interception against St. Louis. The CB Chris Gamble trick play that cost them the Vikings game. The new material he wrote for Michael Richards.

For most of the game, it looked as though he was content w the offense being a crapshoot and relying upon his defense to prevent the Redskins from scoring. The strategy is to hold the other side in check and then just hope that things miraculously get better? That’s our Iraq foreign policy, not how you win a football game!

Or is it Delhomme? On riverboat casinos, are bad gamblers referred to as “wild-armed quarterbacks”? He threw the fourth-quarter pick to end the game in Washington, just as he did in Cincinnati, even when less risky plays were viable. But his completion percentage is about the same as it’s been since he’s been a Panther (~60%), and he’s on pace to throw about the same number of interceptions that he has over the past three years (~15.5).

Are the Panthers done? Is Star Jones too sexy? Just one week ago, the Panthers were in first place in their division!

In fact, some would argue that a loss actually puts the Panthers in a better position. With Michael Vick continuing the family tradition of threatening innocent bystanders and Tampa Bay officially changing its name to the Washington Generals, the NFC South is a race between Carolina and New Orleans. Had Carolina pulled ahead with a two-game lead, the Saints might have revamped their offense, and turned to their running game. But now, they’re more likely to keep up Drew Brees’ torrid passing yardage for the rest of the season.

And who got labrum surgery just a few months ago? Crazy, you say.

Or crazy like a Fox?. . .

Random thoughts. . .

Screw you, Theisman! Screw you! Moment of the Week

Theisman: These weather conditions are perfect for a back like Shaun Alexander, because he keeps his feet under him.

Kornheiser: Where else would he keep them, Joe?

If America cared about Brett Favre as much as football commentators do, he’d have more product endorsements than any athlete in history.

Next Monday night: The Scourge of Dixie travels to Philadelphia to take on the Eagles.

Prediction: The only thing A.J. Feely manages to score all night is Heather Mitts. Panthers 85, Eagles 6.

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRR!