Week 15: We Are Panthers

You may have heard about the Chester Zoo in England where a Komodo dragon has immaculately conceived (self-fertilization is a common amphibian survival mechanism) and is due to deliver eight babies sometime around Christmastime. (http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/12/20/uk.komodo.reut/index.html) The national media isn’t touching this story with a ten-foot pole. But I promise not to make any jokes about that. Even if the Dalai Lama, a few imams, and the Council of Rabbis are planning to send a package of frankincense and myrrh addressed to the “Kings of Kings, Komodo Dragon Enclosure, Chester Zoo, UK.” Because there’s something even more ridiculous.

Amidst all of the pandemonium of holiday travel, a Spanish woman sent her 1-month-old grandson through an x-ray machine at Los Angeles International Airport on Wednesday (http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/12/20/baby.airport.reut/index.html). The woman apparently spoke little English, and was traveling to Mexico. The baby was pulled out and examined at a local hospital, and deemed not to have suffered a dangerous dose of radiation.

That, my friends, is not only the most ridiculous story of this holiday season.

It is also, if I’m not mistaken, the way the Incredible Hulk was created.

Excuse me.

Un Hombre Increible.

Happy Jesus Days!

onto the game. . .

Deep in the heart of the South, the Chris Weinke era roared into a second thrilling week at Bank of America stadium! Nerve damage in his thumb continued to sideline the General, Jake Delhomme, who, watching the rigor mortis of the offense in his absence silence his most vocal critics, was relishing making sure he was 100 percent before coming back.

You know it’s going to be a bad game when the constant on your team, “Leg of God” K John Kasay, misses a FG. In his defense, it was a 50-yarder. Unfortunately, the 50 yard line was good field position for the Panthers in this game.

America’s Team was Weink-tastic against the Steelers this past week! Carolina’s drives were signature Chris Weinke football: punt, missed FG, punt, punt, blocked punt, FG, punt, punt, punt, INT, INT.

The Panthers even brought in QB Brett Basanez on the final drive to replace Weinke, which is a little like placing a Christmas tree air freshener inside a port-a-john on the Mall on July 4th at 8 pm.

And I hear what you’re saying: Chris is a one-of-a-kind talent, but what makes the rest of the team so Weink-tacular? Well, with an o-line plagued with injuries since the first game of the season, the Panthers have had trouble getting their running game going, putting more pressure on a passing game that unfortunately relies upon a serviceable-at-best quarterback. Their defense has kept them in games, but it hasn’t been infallible, particularly with the rash of injuries at the cornerback position, which has given up game-deciding long plays.

The Blitzburg defense was ferocious, and Weinke went down more times than Miss Nevada (http://splashnewsonline.blogspot.com/2003/12/photos-that-stripped-ms-nevada-of-her.html). [NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK] Willie Parker ran for 132 yards and Ben Roethlisberger converted 10 of 17 third downs, finishing 11-of-18 for 140 yards, 1 TD and no INTs.

Despite the odds, it’s Tar Heel Blue that runs through Chris Weinke’s veins, and for three quarters he kept it close! But no matter how great you are, a little bad luck can be your undoing. Early in the fourth, a Weink-ocious INT gave the Steelers the lucky break they needed to pull away, 34-3, and Carolina simply didn’t have enough time outs to make a comeback.

I don’t care who your team is, the nation is rallying behind everyone’s favorite underdog to win two straight and make another run at the Super Bowl! Have you ever witnessed a moment in history when a nation has so solidly believed in a longshot? When an entire country has silently cheered a gritty team of misfits that no one gave a chance? Their time is now! The playoff hunt begins in earnest this weekend! The Panthers travel to Atlanta to take on the 7-7 Falcons, who need this game to stay in the wild card hunt. No blog next week, while I’m on vacation; see you next year in the wild cards!

Prediction: Panthers 37, Falcons 20; Panthers 62, Saints 3

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRR!

[This week’s superbly entertaining YouTube recommendation: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM)]