Week 10: Happy Feet

In a brilliant business ploy, Sony has decided to heighten demand for its Playstation 3 by not actually selling any before Christmas.

"Given the hundreds of people who camped out for the chance to buy one of ten that were delivered to their neighborhood Circuit City, it was a no-brainer to take it to the next level and not ship any at all," explained an unidentified Sony spokesperson, a recent Harvard MBA grad. "What we lose in revenue we more than make up for in viral marketing."

Experts agree.

"It makes perfect sense," commented a self-described hardcore gamer, emailing from his apartment which hasn’t seen a woman enter under her own volition in more than a decade. "Think about how many more customers they get with this kind of buzz. Well, theoretical customers."

Indeed, for the past few weeks, gaming message boards have experienced round-the-clock discussions of the PS3, with the most popular threads being: "Where Can I Get A PS3," "This Is What I Imagine Playing a PS3 Is Like," "How Do I Turn Off the Feature Where It Catches on Fire?," and "Looking For Sex."

Meanwhile, Harvard MBA grads at Nintendo, Inc. intend to capitalize on deferred expectations this weekend by launching what may be the lamest gaming system ever. The Nintendo Wii claims to heighten the gaming experience with a controller that incorporates the player’s hand gestures, thus allowing players to wield a sword onscreen or fend off a wedgie. Nintendo expects brisk sales of its first release, “Eatin’ Cheetos!,” and has offered to bus interested purchasers in unmarked vans to local retailers. Nintendo has guaranteed it will never release the identities of Wii purchasers. Ever.

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First, college: it’s the showdown people have been talking about all season. The two top teams in the country. A championship on the line. A rivalry more than a century old. This Saturday, the nation will be watching Boston, as 7-2 Yale meets 7-2 Harvard in the 123^rd edition of The Game! A win by Yale guarantees a piece of the Ivy League title, and a loss by Princeton gives them the title outright! Boola boola! Boola boola! Go Elis!

Onto the game. . .

After a disastrous fourth-quarter collapse to Dallas, our heroes entered the by-week at 4-4, one loss more than my comfort level, two more than their internal goal. Expectations were high that this season would be a tale of two halves, and that America’s Team, the Growling Wall, your CAROLINA PANTHERS would return to form and storm through to the Super Bowl!

After watching the Big Cat D turn their starting quarterback into an involuntary organ donor earlier this season, you knew that the Bucs offense was going to make this personal. And they did. In the first half, B. Gradkowski personally threw two interceptions, victimized at will by the Felonious Felines featuring a healthy CB Ken Lucas!

But the Cats seemed unable to capitalize on their auspicious defense, scoring less than Kelly in Cancun. They headed into the locker room down 7-0.

It was, as they say, a tale of two halves. And in the first half, the Panthers did not “have” a running game. But in the second half, they did “have” WR Steve Smith.

A 43-yard catch by Smith in the first drive after the half put the Panthers in field goal range! 3-7, Panthers! A fumble recovery by sack-tastic DE Julius Peppers on the Bucs first drive led to a WR Keyshawn Johnson touchdown! 10-7, Panthers! MVP-front runner Peppers would finish the game with three sacks and a fumble. Meanwhile, the Panthers’ run defense was tighter than a Senate page’s bunghole, limiting RB Cadillac Williams to 15 carries for 44 yards.

Smith, having caught the flu from his daughter, spent most of his time between plays throwing up in a trash can on the sideline. But you can’t stop the Pocket Dynamo, you can only hope to dehydrate him! Eight receptions for 149 yards, including the game-clinching touchdown! (And for every Randy Moss who collects a six-figure paycheck and doesn’t even care about the game, you have to love Smith’s post-game explanation for why he continued playing: “This is how I feed my family.”) 24-10, Panthers win! Panthers win!

Next week: The city of St. Louis, still celebrating the lowest-rated World Series in decades, sends the personality-challenged Marc Bulger and the Rams to Bank of America Stadium.

Prediction: Panthers 38, St. Louis 4

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRR!