Week 1: Invincible
I tuned into the premiere episode of the controversial new season of “Survivor,” the one where the tribes are initially separated by race. When news of the setup first leaked last month, liberals were up in arms.
Aren’t you offended?, they asked me, bristling with righteous indignation. This is racist!
How is this racist? It’s not racist if they’re treated equally. It’s racist if they give the black people fried chicken, the Asians calculators, the Latinos a low-rider, and the white people a Gap.
I’m happy to say that this week, the Asians won! I was a little worried when the first half of the immunity challenge required physical exertion, but knew that it was ours when the second half turned out to be a puzzle.
Spoiler Alert: figured out the mid-season twist. One of the women on Team Honky is named Parvati. “Parvati”? The Hindu goddess of love, Parvati? Is there a double agent inside the house that crackers built?!
Onto the game…
The NFL kicked off its opening weekend with Michael Vick and the Falcons traveling to Tar Heel Country to take on the Growling Wall, America’s Team, your CAROLINA PANTHERS, in a battle of NFC South titans! The Falcons quickly found themselves overmatched, as “Leg of God” K John Kasay put on a kicking clinic for the raucous hometown crowd. Going two-for-two for six points, Kasay dominated the Dirty Birds from inside the hash marks, leaving them to savor the salty broth of Failure.
It was the stuff between the field goals that gave the Panthers problems.
Like the Acela, WR Steve Smith was both incredibly fast and out of service for the game. The Panthers were dealt another blow early on when LT Travelle Wharton went out with a broken ankle in the second quarter. After that, the Panthers’ offensive line went down like a Lynyrd Skynyrd flight. After the game, Atlanta DE John Abraham was charged with assault and battery. The victim? Carolina QB Jake Delhomme. Sure, Pro Bowl pass rusher Abraham took advantage of Carolina’s re-shuffled O-line to sack Delhomme twice and force two fumbles, but who wants a cheap victory like that? That’s like mugging a kid having an epileptic seizure. If that was how the Falcons wanted to play, then let the baby have his bottle, I say.
Oh, and what would a Panthers game be without another Dan Morgan concussion? I give him two more shots like that before he turns into the guy from “Memento.” Atlanta over Carolina, 20-6.
After the game, I went to commiserate with fellow Carolinians on the charlotte.com message boards.
“This is one man offense team. Delhomme eats too much Bojangles.”
[I don’t even know what this means, but I already like him more than Kornheiser.]
“It is time for Delhomme to be benched.”
[Umm…did you read my column last week? What’s your plan after you bench Delhomme? Start Weinke?]
The nice thing about NFC South message boards is that fans of our division rivals will leave messages too. A sample:
“Boy you guys are really bad, everyone picking you to win the Super Bowl and you can’t beat Atlanta. Panthers suck.”
“Hey, the Panthers can still make it to the Super Bowl…if they go ahead and buy their tickets now.”
“Ha ha Jacksonville won their opener ha ha ‘pampers’”
Absorbing their jeers, I sat there, now knowing how to assess Carolina’s performance, until it came to me in a flash of insight: absolutely brilliant. An opponent that can throw the ball and rush the passer? Humdrum. An opponent that can toy with a team for four quarters and drop field goals on them at will, practically mocking the effort the other team has to put in just to keep pace with them? Psychologically devastating. Hats off to another brilliant play call by the Stephen Hawking of the 3-4, Coach John Fox.
Next week, the Panthers travel to Minnesota to play Freddy Smoot and the Vikings.
Prediction: Carolina 52, Minnesota 4.
Until next time.
RROWRRRRRR!
Aren’t you offended?, they asked me, bristling with righteous indignation. This is racist!
How is this racist? It’s not racist if they’re treated equally. It’s racist if they give the black people fried chicken, the Asians calculators, the Latinos a low-rider, and the white people a Gap.
I’m happy to say that this week, the Asians won! I was a little worried when the first half of the immunity challenge required physical exertion, but knew that it was ours when the second half turned out to be a puzzle.
Spoiler Alert: figured out the mid-season twist. One of the women on Team Honky is named Parvati. “Parvati”? The Hindu goddess of love, Parvati? Is there a double agent inside the house that crackers built?!
Onto the game…
The NFL kicked off its opening weekend with Michael Vick and the Falcons traveling to Tar Heel Country to take on the Growling Wall, America’s Team, your CAROLINA PANTHERS, in a battle of NFC South titans! The Falcons quickly found themselves overmatched, as “Leg of God” K John Kasay put on a kicking clinic for the raucous hometown crowd. Going two-for-two for six points, Kasay dominated the Dirty Birds from inside the hash marks, leaving them to savor the salty broth of Failure.
It was the stuff between the field goals that gave the Panthers problems.
Like the Acela, WR Steve Smith was both incredibly fast and out of service for the game. The Panthers were dealt another blow early on when LT Travelle Wharton went out with a broken ankle in the second quarter. After that, the Panthers’ offensive line went down like a Lynyrd Skynyrd flight. After the game, Atlanta DE John Abraham was charged with assault and battery. The victim? Carolina QB Jake Delhomme. Sure, Pro Bowl pass rusher Abraham took advantage of Carolina’s re-shuffled O-line to sack Delhomme twice and force two fumbles, but who wants a cheap victory like that? That’s like mugging a kid having an epileptic seizure. If that was how the Falcons wanted to play, then let the baby have his bottle, I say.
Oh, and what would a Panthers game be without another Dan Morgan concussion? I give him two more shots like that before he turns into the guy from “Memento.” Atlanta over Carolina, 20-6.
After the game, I went to commiserate with fellow Carolinians on the charlotte.com message boards.
“This is one man offense team. Delhomme eats too much Bojangles.”
[I don’t even know what this means, but I already like him more than Kornheiser.]
“It is time for Delhomme to be benched.”
[Umm…did you read my column last week? What’s your plan after you bench Delhomme? Start Weinke?]
The nice thing about NFC South message boards is that fans of our division rivals will leave messages too. A sample:
“Boy you guys are really bad, everyone picking you to win the Super Bowl and you can’t beat Atlanta. Panthers suck.”
“Hey, the Panthers can still make it to the Super Bowl…if they go ahead and buy their tickets now.”
“Ha ha Jacksonville won their opener ha ha ‘pampers’”
Absorbing their jeers, I sat there, now knowing how to assess Carolina’s performance, until it came to me in a flash of insight: absolutely brilliant. An opponent that can throw the ball and rush the passer? Humdrum. An opponent that can toy with a team for four quarters and drop field goals on them at will, practically mocking the effort the other team has to put in just to keep pace with them? Psychologically devastating. Hats off to another brilliant play call by the Stephen Hawking of the 3-4, Coach John Fox.
Next week, the Panthers travel to Minnesota to play Freddy Smoot and the Vikings.
Prediction: Carolina 52, Minnesota 4.
Until next time.
RROWRRRRRR!
posted by Panther fan at 8:39 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home