Week 17: Memoirs of a Cajun
I was explaining my theory on New Year's resolutions to Anne. I don't make them, I said. I'm always trying to improve myself, so I don't like to limit it to a single day out of the year.
Me: But I guess if I had to pick one area where I need a lot of improvement, it would be relationships. I just don't seem to be very good at them.
Anne: Mm-hmm. Your female relationships?
Me: No, Anne, my GAY relationships.
Why is that? Well, it could be any number of things.
Diana: Look at the pretty shell I found on the beach.
Anant: You know what you can do with those? You get a wide earthenware bowl, fill it with glass pebbles, put the shells on top them, then fill it with water. It's a great display for floating candles. I did that with some shells I picked up at Cape Cod.
Diana: (pause). You know, you might want to tone down the Martha Stewart a
little.
But there are a number of changes I've been considering recently. The one I'm most intrigued by is a belly button ring. Unfortunately, 100 percent of the female friends I've polled thus far have said that it would look "very gay."* (*technically, two of the responses were "god, you're an idiot" and "you are _so_ retarded," which, for the purposes of this poll, are being tallied as "gay")
Anne: Name one heterosexual male with a navel ring.
Me: Lenny Kravitz.
Anne: Okay, name two.
Although people seem to be coming around to the idea.
Reenah: It's just not--how can we put this--you.
Diana: Maybe if Brooks Brothers carried a selection.
Navel rings: the new ascot.
So that's why I'm opening it up to a larger audience. We are standing on the threshold of fashion's vanguard, people. I firmly believe I can bring the belly button ring back into the ranks of the breeders. And it won't stop there--it's going to be the theme of my coming year.
2006: Hetero Again
Onto the game. . .
It was do or die for the Panthers. In an eery parallel to the season prior, their season came down to their final game. Win, and they were in the playoffs. Lose, and they were at the mercy of destiny. Last year, New Orleans, a team with nothing to play for at that point, came into Carolina and played spoiler. This year, America's Team traveled to face Atlanta, which similarly had nothing to play for. Would history repeat itself?
Yes, if the history you're referring to is William Tecumseh Sherman! The Panthers' General, QB Jake Delhomme, marched his team down the field on the very first drive. How impressive was he? Even his butt popped out to take a look. After having his pants taped up on the sideline, 12-yd pass to WR Ricky Proehl--touchdown! Panthers up 7-0. Towards the end of the first quarter, RB DeShaun Foster set a team record with a 70-yd run for a touchdown! Who's record did he beat? That's right, Timmy Biakabutuka, the rootin-est, tootin-est, biakabutuk-inest running back in Panther history!
The second quarter was all Panthers--two John Kasay kicks and one Steve Smith TD later, the Panthers went into halftime with a 27-3 lead.
Jim Mora has black-on-black eyes. It's some kind of birthmark of pure evil. Tom Brokaw and Jim Lehrer have the same thing.
In a brilliant maneuver, the Falcons switched to a just-pick-a-guy defense for the second half. By the end of the third, the Panthers were up 37-3. Vick had only one carry for zero yards rushing. Screw you Theismann, screw you! Ceding a TD in garbage time, the Panthers left the Falcons embittered, demoralized, and mangled, 44-11. After a one-year absence, your CAROLINA PANTHERS are headed to the playoffs!
End of season thoughts:
-Why did espn.com give the game ball for this game to Brett Favre?
(http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/recap?gameId=260101001)
-I had thought that Joe Theismann was the worst football commentator I'd ever heard until I heard Sterling Sharpe.
-Dave, Mike and I watched the BCS game at Bailey's in Ballston. I don't know when breast implants became popular among college girls, but God Bless Texas.
-Why does every football commentator feel compelled to explain the "challenge rule" every time a play is under review, yet won't bother with any number of confusing penalties?
-Who would win an arm-wrestling contest between Tony Little and Ed Hochuli?
This Sunday:
NFC Wild Card matchup. Carolina Panthers at New York Giants. Can the Giants do what no defense has done this year and stop Steve Smith? Can the Panthers, with run-stuffer DT Kris Jenkins out for the season and LB Dan Morgan always semi-injured stop RB Tiki Barber? Can Eli Manning ever look fully awake? My prediction: CB Ken Lucas is the X factor. Panthers
advance! You better pray this Saturday night, because we play on Sunday! Until next time!
Rrowrrr!
Me: But I guess if I had to pick one area where I need a lot of improvement, it would be relationships. I just don't seem to be very good at them.
Anne: Mm-hmm. Your female relationships?
Me: No, Anne, my GAY relationships.
Why is that? Well, it could be any number of things.
Diana: Look at the pretty shell I found on the beach.
Anant: You know what you can do with those? You get a wide earthenware bowl, fill it with glass pebbles, put the shells on top them, then fill it with water. It's a great display for floating candles. I did that with some shells I picked up at Cape Cod.
Diana: (pause). You know, you might want to tone down the Martha Stewart a
little.
But there are a number of changes I've been considering recently. The one I'm most intrigued by is a belly button ring. Unfortunately, 100 percent of the female friends I've polled thus far have said that it would look "very gay."* (*technically, two of the responses were "god, you're an idiot" and "you are _so_ retarded," which, for the purposes of this poll, are being tallied as "gay")
Anne: Name one heterosexual male with a navel ring.
Me: Lenny Kravitz.
Anne: Okay, name two.
Although people seem to be coming around to the idea.
Reenah: It's just not--how can we put this--you.
Diana: Maybe if Brooks Brothers carried a selection.
Navel rings: the new ascot.
So that's why I'm opening it up to a larger audience. We are standing on the threshold of fashion's vanguard, people. I firmly believe I can bring the belly button ring back into the ranks of the breeders. And it won't stop there--it's going to be the theme of my coming year.
2006: Hetero Again
Onto the game. . .
It was do or die for the Panthers. In an eery parallel to the season prior, their season came down to their final game. Win, and they were in the playoffs. Lose, and they were at the mercy of destiny. Last year, New Orleans, a team with nothing to play for at that point, came into Carolina and played spoiler. This year, America's Team traveled to face Atlanta, which similarly had nothing to play for. Would history repeat itself?
Yes, if the history you're referring to is William Tecumseh Sherman! The Panthers' General, QB Jake Delhomme, marched his team down the field on the very first drive. How impressive was he? Even his butt popped out to take a look. After having his pants taped up on the sideline, 12-yd pass to WR Ricky Proehl--touchdown! Panthers up 7-0. Towards the end of the first quarter, RB DeShaun Foster set a team record with a 70-yd run for a touchdown! Who's record did he beat? That's right, Timmy Biakabutuka, the rootin-est, tootin-est, biakabutuk-inest running back in Panther history!
The second quarter was all Panthers--two John Kasay kicks and one Steve Smith TD later, the Panthers went into halftime with a 27-3 lead.
Jim Mora has black-on-black eyes. It's some kind of birthmark of pure evil. Tom Brokaw and Jim Lehrer have the same thing.
In a brilliant maneuver, the Falcons switched to a just-pick-a-guy defense for the second half. By the end of the third, the Panthers were up 37-3. Vick had only one carry for zero yards rushing. Screw you Theismann, screw you! Ceding a TD in garbage time, the Panthers left the Falcons embittered, demoralized, and mangled, 44-11. After a one-year absence, your CAROLINA PANTHERS are headed to the playoffs!
End of season thoughts:
-Why did espn.com give the game ball for this game to Brett Favre?
(http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/recap?gameId=260101001)
-I had thought that Joe Theismann was the worst football commentator I'd ever heard until I heard Sterling Sharpe.
-Dave, Mike and I watched the BCS game at Bailey's in Ballston. I don't know when breast implants became popular among college girls, but God Bless Texas.
-Why does every football commentator feel compelled to explain the "challenge rule" every time a play is under review, yet won't bother with any number of confusing penalties?
-Who would win an arm-wrestling contest between Tony Little and Ed Hochuli?
This Sunday:
NFC Wild Card matchup. Carolina Panthers at New York Giants. Can the Giants do what no defense has done this year and stop Steve Smith? Can the Panthers, with run-stuffer DT Kris Jenkins out for the season and LB Dan Morgan always semi-injured stop RB Tiki Barber? Can Eli Manning ever look fully awake? My prediction: CB Ken Lucas is the X factor. Panthers
advance! You better pray this Saturday night, because we play on Sunday! Until next time!
Rrowrrr!
posted by Panther fan at 10:13 PM
1 Comments:
Panther fan - nice blog. I was looking for Fantasy Football Mock Draft sites, but I am glad I found your Week 17: Memoirs of a Cajun blog, because it is quite entertaining! I will come back and check it out! Off to find more Fantasy Football Mock Draft blogs/sites... see ya and thanks!
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