Week 15: We Do Right Bayou

After getting my parents a new surround sound system last Christmas, my brother and I were struggling to come up with a gift this year. Digital cameras, laptops, PDAs and the like would turn into hi-tech coasters within days of our departure. But one thing our parents do do is watch television. Every night after they come home. And they don't have cable. (Realize that my parents still use the first cell phone they ever got. In fact, I think it's the first cell phone ever made. It's about the size of a shoe. And their calling plan is something like twenty-five minutes per month.) They don't need anything fancy, like TiVO. It's not like they like some television significantly more than other. They just like television. So, after some research, I decided to get them a Dish Network subscription.

"That's a great idea," said my brother after I told him. "They're going to love that. Plus we won't feel like we're in a third-world country every time we go back home."

I set up their subscription on my credit card, and arranged for the installation on the morning of Christmas Eve. Now, all I had to do was tell them when to be home. I could hardly contain my excitement. I called them at work.

"Hey, we need your flight information," said my mother as my parents got on the phone.

"I'll get it to you, it's sometime late afternoon on Christmas Eve," I said, struggling to sound calm. "But listen, I need you to be home that morning from 8 to noon."

Dad: "He's coming between eight and noon."
Me: "No, I'm not coming then. Someone else is coming. To install something. I need you to be home."
Mom: "Who's coming?"
Me: "I can't tell you. It's a surprise." I was smiling from ear to ear.
Dad: "This is for Christmas?"
Mom: "Someone's coming with you from the airport?"

What did they think I was going to do, install a baggage carousel in their den? "No, no one's coming with me. I'm not coming in the morning. Someone else is coming to install something. A surprise."

Dad: "No no no, we don't need a plasma screen."

Jesus Christ, how much did they think we were going to spend this year? "Um. . .it's not a plasma screen."

Dad: "Are they delivering a car?"
Mom: "You're getting Daddy a new car?!"
Me: "NO! No one's getting a new car!" What happened to the simplest gifts being the best? "I just need you to be home from eight to noon for a surprise."
Mom: "I don't understand what time you're coming."
Dad: "Why don't you bring girls home with you? That would be a real surprise."
Me: "LOOK, just be HOME from eight to noon."

I thought that was the end of it. Two hours later, my father calls me.

"Look," he started, "we appreciate what you're doing. But don't worry about it. If you're getting us cable--" here I smiled again "--don't bother, we're going to get it eventually, once we decide where the television is going." They've had that television for six years now. It's never moved once. I would be able to convince them out of it by week's end.

"Now, if you're getting us a treadmill. . ."

Onto the game. . .

With the Bucs blanked by the once-more-overhyped Patriots last Saturday, control of the NFC South was there for the taking on Sunday by America's Team, the Scourge of Dixie, your CAROLINA PANTHERS! Six, nearly seven fans were in attendance in Baton Rouge as the hapless Saints, the NFL's equivalent of the Kucinich campaign, hosted the Cats. (Side note: it's funny how the NFL hype machine has stopped billing the Saints as the post-Katrina feel-good story of the year. It might have something to do with multimillionaire owner Tom Benson swearing he'd never return to New Orleans. Something every New Orleans resident who still doesn't have clean water or working streetlights can feel good about.) The game also marked the return of Louisiana's favorite son, the Brahma Bull of Breaux Bridge, star of Louisiana-Lafayette and former Saints backup, Pro Bowl starting QB Jake Delhomme!

The Panthers showed why they're considered the most dominant team in the NFL, establishing the early lead from the hands of a Pro Bowl QB to the hands of Pro Bowl receiver Steve Smith. Touchdown! Panthers up 7-0! Saints QB Aaron Brooks, bearing an uncanny resemblance to Martin Lawrence both facially and in their inability to carry anything to success by themselves, had been benched in favor of Todd Bouman, who spends most Saints games selling Cokes in the stands for extra cash. In a brilliant maneuver, Coach John Fox allowed Bouman to march up the field, in order to better study his prey. 7-7.

Then the levee broke and the Panthers went Category 4 on their ass. Kasay field goal. An exchange of fumbles, before Delhomme looted the Saints D for a TD run. Panthers up 20-10 going into the half! The fans do the wave--no, it's just two of them standing up. Bottom of the third, Delhomme to Smith for a TD. Pro-bowl-icious! Saints underwater 24-3. With the game firmly in control, the Tar Heel Terror Squad settled back a bit, permitting the Saints a final recovery effort before closing it out 27-10.

No reader mail feature; keep the emails coming, folks.

Next week in the NFC South: the Panthers take on the Cowboys. I loved Bill Parcells' press conference last year, when he said, about their playbook, "I don't want to offend anybody, but we use a lot of Jap plays. That means sneaky plays." Then, when he saw the stunned looks on the faces of the press, he said, "I SAID I wasn't trying to offend anybody!" The best part was how offended he looked that his disclaimer hadn't been enough. Forget coaching--why isn't this guy heading FEMA?

And the Bucs and Falcons hopefully beat the hell out of each other.

Until next time.

Rrowrrr!

MERRY XMAS EVERYBODY!