Week 9: Get Hit, and Die Cryin'

I spent this past weekend in NYC for the NYC marathon. Having run Marine Corps the weekend prior, I was curious to see how well I could run a marathon on one week's rest.

Unless you're in a ski lodge or skinned them yourself, Ugg boots look stupid.

I met Mary for coffee. That was fun. We made fun of the people walking around on Saturday in their running gear. Maybe they thought the beginning of the race was a surprise.

The three best race signs I've ever seen were all this year. #3: the first sign you saw coming off the Verrazano Bridge at the start of the race was a handwritten one that read, "Yo! Welcome to Brooklyn!" Tied for first were two women holding signs side-by-side in Marine Corps that read, "Damn, You're Hot!" and "Are You Always This Sexy?"

Most obvious product placement: Mile 18's PowerGel Energy Zone
Most perplexing product placement: Mile 17's SpongeBob SquarePants hydration zone (they were handing out sponges). Although there is something immensely satisfying after seventeen miles about stomping on the faces of hundreds of SpongeBob SquarePants.

Mile 19: I had a great idea: we should replace personal income tax with a flat tax corresponding to a person's percent body fat. It would simplify the tax code and encourage people to exercise.

The final 10K was all mental; my legs just didn't have enough punch. I finished about eight minutes slower than my marine corps time. I wasn't too psyched about my finish until I found out that Kwame, who had also run, had not only finished with a slower time than his previous year's, but had also dropped his cell phone down a port-a-potty that morning. The lesson: life
can always be shittier.

Onto the game. . .

The Panthers now have the inarguably hottest cheerleaders in professional sports, specifically Renee Thomas. Let's recap. They traveled to Tampa Bay on their own money to cheer on the Panthers. Stayed out until two in the morning the night before. Getting drunk by crashing a ten-year high school reunion at a bar. Getting so drunk that they decide to have sex. With each
other. At the bar. In a bathroom. In the men's bathroom. Where they make so much noise and take so long that the patrons complain to the management. At which point a drunken Renee comes out of the stall and punches one of the guys. In the face. Gets arrested. Gives a false name. Flees back to North Carolina. And has an arrest warrant issued.

It also tells you a lot about the kind of douchebag guys who live in Tampa Bay. You have two NFL cheerleaders having sex in the bathroom, and what do you do? Complain to management so you can _take a dump_.

Sunday witnessed a colossal matchup, 5-2 v. 5-2, 2002 NFC Champions v. 2003 NFC Champions, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers v. your CAROLINA PANTHERS!!! On the one hand, you had the Bucs and Cadillac Williams, who, as you recall, was on pace to break every rushing records on the books for about the first six plays this season. On the other hand, you had the most complete team in history, better than the '92 Dream Team, the '94 Oilers, or the Holy
Trinity. On the Bucs' first possession, the Growling Wall was all over QB Chris Simms like pie on a fat kid. DE Mike Rucker forced a fumble, leading to an RB Stephen Davis touchdown--Panthers up 10-0! The Bucs responded with a touchdown of their own, but the game was already slipping out of their grasp. Showing masterful field control, the Cajun Hannibal, QB Jake
Delhomme, alternated his ground attack with an aerial assault, sending Davis in for two touchdowns and WR Steve Smith for one! The Tar Heel Terror Squad forced four turnovers and kept Simms backpedaling most of the afternoon, with Human Sack Machine DE Julius Peppers accounting for two of five sacks on Simms. What did John Gruden tell his team at halftime? I don't know. It probably wasn't, "Hey, let CB Chris Gamble intercept you during our first
possession and run it back for 61 yards." Which is what he did. Finally, the Panthers put them out of their misery, allowing them a mercy 7 during garbage time in the fourth before running out the clock. Final score: Panthers, 34-17.

Reader mail feature:
From Kevin C., in NYC:

"I was recently in the Westin in Charlotte, not quite as cool as their W line but the image they try to portray is similar. I was there for a Health Care Fraud conference. The last day all of the guests for the next conference were arriving. The next conference: Beer Can Collectors of America. I was sure you'd have felt right at home with your kindred - fat southern guys with beer guts and rare cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon."

The most interesting thing about Kevin's email is that he's on some sort of two-week time delay. Hey, Kevin, here's a tip: don't travel to Paris any time in your near future.

Next week, the Panthers host the once-mighty Jets. Key matchups: the Carolina Panthers are the most complete team in football. Half of the Jets' starters were working as mall security last week.

Until next time.

Rrowrrr!