Preseason Week 3: Tar Heel Terror Squad
Never has the awesome power of nature been more apparent. With the levees breaking, hundreds of thousands found themselves refugees in a first-world country. With power, electricity, and sewage utilities out, with certain parishes off-limits for weeks, with a downtown that may not see dry sidewalks for months, with no estimated time of arrival for normalcy, many residents find themselves grappling with monumental questions, such as: do we ever go back? where will our children go to school? and, perhaps the most important question of all: where will the strippers dance now? how will they support their seemingly interminable college educations?
In short, what about da ho's?
Natural disasters bring out the best in people as well as the worst in people. Our firm is sending $400,000 to the relief effort. ExxonMobil is contributing $2m, which, given that the storm reduced the nation's refining capacity by 10%, amounts to a thank-you gift. And then there's the ugly side, the vandalism, the roving gangs, the widespread looting. It seems like the one factoid no one wants to talk about is that every image of a looter to date has been black. Which isn't representative--I heard that some Asians broke into an Office Depot and stole office supplies.
(You know what would be the perfect solution to this disaster? Aquaman. Seriously, the entire city is _under water_. In the old Superfriends cartoons, they were always stretching for ways to make him relevant, like, having the supervillain inexplicably have a lair floating in the middle of the ocean, or extorting the world by threatening to blow up a dam. He would be _perfect_! Someone call Bush.)
In a perfect storm of a different sort, America's team, your Carolina Panthers traveled to Cleveland to face the Browns. The excitement started in the first quarter, with Delhomme taking the Panthers the entire length of the field, leading to the most electrifying kicker in the business, John Kasay, drilling a 22-yd field goal! Panthers up by three! Later in the first, another exciting field goal! Panthers up by six! Could there be a third? Crowd on its feet in the second--three straight field goals for Carolina! One of the most exciting games of the year, and it's only the preseason!
Fun fact about Cleveland: last year, it was ranked as the poorest city in the nation by the Census Bureau. This year, Detroit takes that honor--fully 33% of its denizens live below the poverty line. Cleveland ranks 12th, with 23%. In fact, take away the Lions' three first-round wide receivers and the gap widens while Harrington's stats remain the same.
The Browns scored on a field goal and a touchdown drive, going up by one. With Romeo Crennel no longer standing beside him on the New England sidelines, Bill Belichik lost an outstanding defensive schemer as well as the slimming effect. Grey sweatshirts from here on out. Panthers respond with yet another amazing Delhomme drive, capped off with a pass to a resurgent Steve Smith--touchdown!
Did you ever buy a shirt because it looked like a must-have at the time, only to regret it later because you paid way too much for it and can't return it? Exhibit A: Kellen Winslow Jr.
After a listless 3Q, the backup squads came in. The Browns took the lead briefly before historical footnote Chris Weinke, in _the final minute of the game_, drills the Big Chill, Efrem Hill, with a 21-yd laser! Touchdown-ballgame-Panthers!
And finally, for a new feature this week: reader mail. Last week, reader Lopes in Miami said:
"What fantasy football web site are you plagiarizing from??? My draft is this weekend."
Good luck, Lopes! It sounds like a wonderful way to not meet women.
Until next time.
RROWRRRR!
In short, what about da ho's?
Natural disasters bring out the best in people as well as the worst in people. Our firm is sending $400,000 to the relief effort. ExxonMobil is contributing $2m, which, given that the storm reduced the nation's refining capacity by 10%, amounts to a thank-you gift. And then there's the ugly side, the vandalism, the roving gangs, the widespread looting. It seems like the one factoid no one wants to talk about is that every image of a looter to date has been black. Which isn't representative--I heard that some Asians broke into an Office Depot and stole office supplies.
(You know what would be the perfect solution to this disaster? Aquaman. Seriously, the entire city is _under water_. In the old Superfriends cartoons, they were always stretching for ways to make him relevant, like, having the supervillain inexplicably have a lair floating in the middle of the ocean, or extorting the world by threatening to blow up a dam. He would be _perfect_! Someone call Bush.)
In a perfect storm of a different sort, America's team, your Carolina Panthers traveled to Cleveland to face the Browns. The excitement started in the first quarter, with Delhomme taking the Panthers the entire length of the field, leading to the most electrifying kicker in the business, John Kasay, drilling a 22-yd field goal! Panthers up by three! Later in the first, another exciting field goal! Panthers up by six! Could there be a third? Crowd on its feet in the second--three straight field goals for Carolina! One of the most exciting games of the year, and it's only the preseason!
Fun fact about Cleveland: last year, it was ranked as the poorest city in the nation by the Census Bureau. This year, Detroit takes that honor--fully 33% of its denizens live below the poverty line. Cleveland ranks 12th, with 23%. In fact, take away the Lions' three first-round wide receivers and the gap widens while Harrington's stats remain the same.
The Browns scored on a field goal and a touchdown drive, going up by one. With Romeo Crennel no longer standing beside him on the New England sidelines, Bill Belichik lost an outstanding defensive schemer as well as the slimming effect. Grey sweatshirts from here on out. Panthers respond with yet another amazing Delhomme drive, capped off with a pass to a resurgent Steve Smith--touchdown!
Did you ever buy a shirt because it looked like a must-have at the time, only to regret it later because you paid way too much for it and can't return it? Exhibit A: Kellen Winslow Jr.
After a listless 3Q, the backup squads came in. The Browns took the lead briefly before historical footnote Chris Weinke, in _the final minute of the game_, drills the Big Chill, Efrem Hill, with a 21-yd laser! Touchdown-ballgame-Panthers!
And finally, for a new feature this week: reader mail. Last week, reader Lopes in Miami said:
"What fantasy football web site are you plagiarizing from??? My draft is this weekend."
Good luck, Lopes! It sounds like a wonderful way to not meet women.
Until next time.
RROWRRRR!
posted by Panther fan at 10:40 PM
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