Week 5: A History of Violence

I was in Chicago for the marathon this weekend, and met some friends out at a bar after the race. The worst part about being in Chicago is when you're forced to watch a Bears-Browns game on the big screen. The second worst part is getting into a cab back to my friend's place with a cabbie who is (i) a huge Bears fan and (ii) the most idiotic football fan I ever met. And this from a guy who admittedly knows only as much as he reads about the sport. Less than three minutes to go in the game, Bears down by two touchdowns, Kyle Orton throws an interception. "You see!" yelled my cabdriver, banging his steering wheel. "Dees ees why you don't trow de football in dis situation. You have to run de ball!" Re: college coaches making the jump to the NFL: "If dey asked me, I would say, I'm not going to sign until you get a franchise player. You need de good players to make de good team! See, dey don't tink about dat."

My friend is a Lions fan and the refs in that game were all but driving suspiciously new Fords the way they were penalizing the Ravens. I know that Ray Lewis is a de facto ESPN announcer, but when are people going to stop hailing him as this great leader and lay blame where blame is due--he's the reason this now-soft defense is just a bunch of poorly disciplined thugs. Why did they get so many penalties on Sunday? Well, let's see. . .their team captain was arraigned on a murder charge five years ago, and has the most egomaniacal, self-centered entrance in all of football (yet when T.O. calls him on it perfectly, _he's_ the bad guy).

But at least they're not the Vikes. Who are now embroiled in a brouhaha over an alleged incident involving several of their players, a boat, and "lewd acts" described by one colorful onlooker (and local news has a knack for finding the least educated, most colorful onlooker) as "girls taking their clothes off and doing some kinds of sex acts." My favorite part? Coach Mike Tice has acknowledged his team's lack of discipline by. . .bringing in two consultants.

Two consultants. Apparently, they needed outside help figuring out what was going wrong.

These are the pointers from the PowerPoint they prepared for the players.
1. There is no "I" in team.
2. Always give 120%.
3. Don't get your @#$% sucked on a boat in a lake where everybody can see you. I mean, seriously, what the @#%&?

On to the game. . .

Coming off of a blistering display of power and finesse against the Green Bay Packers, the Counts of Monte Blitzo, America's Team, your Carolina Panthers, traveled to the desert to face the mighty Arizona Cardinals, the only team in the entire league still undefeated in Mexico. For most of the first half, the two teams traded field goals and touchdowns in a brilliant display of human chess. The immortal John Kasay and the Sultan of Quick, Steve Smith, gave the Panthers the early leads, but after tying at 10 apiece, the Cardinals, more acclimated to the heat and the pervasive culture of suck, pulled away with two more scores, leading the Panthers 20-10 in the third.

But the Cats weren't done. Not by a longshot.

Late in the third, Cardinals QB Josh McCown threw a pass that was deflected by the most underrated signing of the '05 offseason, Panthers CB Ken Lucas (the same guy who deflected an end-zone pass earlier in the game!), and led to a Stephen Davis touchdown. Just like that, the Fearsome Felines were within 3! Next possession: 10 plays, 94 yards--in the final play, a determined Steve Smith wrestled the ball away from the Cardinals CB to take it into the endzone. Touchdown! Panthers! Game over!

Next week: Cat vs. Cat. Complete offense v. Complete offense. The Panthers meet the Lions.

Until next time.

RROWRRR!