'06 Season Preview: Return to Greatness
As might have been expended, Ernesto, having expended considerable energy leaving Cuba and crossing the Atlantic, finally made it to American soil and promptly stopped working. It still managed to wet our weekend with heavy rains, and so I ended up staying in Saturday night and watching “Memoirs of A Geisha.” (We had rented it for Thursday night, but got swept up into Agassi-Bagdhatis, easily the most dramatic tennis match I’ve ever watched.)
“Memoirs” (or, as I like to refer to it, “Catty Bitches in Japan”) was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen bad low-budget movies, but the budget and starpower of this movie made it that much worse. Why was it so bad? Where to begin. First, all of the leads, with the exception of Ken Watanabe, were Chinese. Because the producers thought that would be slanty enough for an American audience. Think about how insulting this is. It would be like casting “Schindler’s List” with Puerto Ricans. Second, instead of shooting the dialogue for a movie about Japanese people in Japan in actual Japanese, the producers decide to shoot it in English. But not conversational English; in an effort to be “authentic,” they shot it in heavily accented English. Correction: they shot a bunch of Chinese people doing bad impersonations of Japanese people trying to speak English! Next, the dialogue is terrible. The geisha Sayuri (played by Zhang Zhiyi) is renowned for her wit and reportedly able to win over anyone with her elocution and charm. But all of her lines come from fortune cookies for retards. In one pivotal scene, she’s with a commercial tycoon (Nobu-san) at a sumo match, and asks him about sumo wrestling. Disdainful of geishas, Nobu-san says something like, “What do you care? All geishas are interested in is dancing.” Her clever and endearing comeback? “Nobu-san, isn’t-a bus-ah-ness nothing more than-a tew company dancing around each oder?” And he was blown away by her answer, as though it was the most insightful comment he’d ever heard! (Secretly, I was hoping he’d say something like, “Ah, no, bus-ah-ness is rike excer spreadsheets and determining-a weighted-a average cost ur capiterr.”)
The worst part is, the movie is about the decline of the art of the geisha in the face of modernism, yet it never makes a case for why geishas are important. All I learned from the movie is that geishas had self-created a niche market for themselves that added nothing of value to society. It was like watching a movie about the last of the bathroom attendants. In what I’m sure was intended to be an oscar clip for the movie, an older geisha explains to Sayuri that geishas don’t have the luxury of loving any one person. And I was yelling at the t.v., “What is so great about this career choice? Why not open a sake shop, so that you can earn a living and bang someone you like?” Towards the end, I was cheering for industrialization.
Onto the new season…
When we last saw our heroes, an exhausted-looking franchise was limping off the field in Seattle in defeat. “FINISHED!” sang the New York Post. “BOLLOXED!” trumpeted the Times of London. “LAISSEZ-FAIRE!” sniffed Le Monde. Were experts the world over right? Would this be the swan song for the most dominant team in NFL history?
Or could it possibly be just the first half of an ingenious strategy two-year strategy to win the Super Bowl? Crazy, you say? Crazy…like a fox?
Let’s look at how Coach Fox improved the Growling Wall during the intermission of his two-act masterpiece.
Wide Receiver
Keyshawn Johnson—with the addition of “Szechuan,” the Panthers have added a second passing threat to take the pressure off of the Nureyev of the Slant Route, WR Steve Smith, and avoid the bizarre 10-on-1 coverage that shut him down during last year’s NFC Championship.
Defensive Line
Poor people draw comfort from the thought that money can’t buy happiness. In truth, not only can money buy all sorts of happiness, but money also has the added benefit of taking that happiness away from someone else. In one of the biggest coups of the offseasons, the Panthers signed 6-5/350 DT Maake “The Buffet Killer” Kemoeatu away from the Ravens. Alongside a healthy 6-4/335 DT Kris Jenkins, teams will have an easier time getting a donut past Greg Gumble than running up the middle on the Panthers.
Quarterback
This past Saturday, the Panthers cut their number three and four QBs, Stefan LaFors and Brett Basanez. ??? Who the heck are these guys? Do you realize we’re one cheap Kimo von Oelhoffen hit away from a Chris Weinke start? It didn’t have to be like this. Jeff Garcia was available. Kerry Collins was available. You don’t think these guys would consider joining a team with a shot at the Super Bowl? Even Billy Volek is available.
(Actually, I’d love to sit in on that phone call.
Panthers: We really think you have the potential to be a starting quarterback.
Volek: Really?! Wow!
Panthers: We’d love to fly you down to Charlotte for a workout.
Volek: Oh wow, are you serious?
Panthers: This is Matt Schaub, right?
Volek: No, this is…this is Billy Volek.
Panthers (giggling): Oh, sorry. >click<)
Not everything worked out as planned.
And then there were the accusations of steroid use (despite the fact that no Panthers in 2003 or since have tested positive for steroids!). Concerned, I conducted my own exhaustive impartial investigation, and uncovered two startling facts. One, the source of these spurious rumors was the Falcons’ front office! And the offending substance? Nothing more than a bad case of grits That's right, good old-fashioned grits! Who knew?!
Well, I’m glad we can put that issue to bed. Onto the preseason…
The most beloved franchise in professional sports history, America’s Team, your CAROLINA PANTHERS were, in a word, immaculate. In a level of perfection never seen outside of the Book of Genesis, the Tar Heel Terror Squad went four and oh. From Keyshawn’s dazzling performance in Week 1 to rookie RB Deangelo Williams 98-yd kickoff return in Week 3 to K John Kasay’s flawless outing (5-of-5) in Week 4, the Panthers left little doubt, that, once again, the Road to the Super Bowl takes Exit 1D off of I-277.
The table has been set. The Cats are pacing their cages.
It’s time to unleash hell.
NEXT WEEK: The Panthers kick off the first week of the NFL season by hosting the Atlanta Felons.
Prediction: Carolina 68, Atlanta 7
(and remember, keep that reader mail coming)
Until next time.
RROWRRRRRRRR!
“Memoirs” (or, as I like to refer to it, “Catty Bitches in Japan”) was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen bad low-budget movies, but the budget and starpower of this movie made it that much worse. Why was it so bad? Where to begin. First, all of the leads, with the exception of Ken Watanabe, were Chinese. Because the producers thought that would be slanty enough for an American audience. Think about how insulting this is. It would be like casting “Schindler’s List” with Puerto Ricans. Second, instead of shooting the dialogue for a movie about Japanese people in Japan in actual Japanese, the producers decide to shoot it in English. But not conversational English; in an effort to be “authentic,” they shot it in heavily accented English. Correction: they shot a bunch of Chinese people doing bad impersonations of Japanese people trying to speak English! Next, the dialogue is terrible. The geisha Sayuri (played by Zhang Zhiyi) is renowned for her wit and reportedly able to win over anyone with her elocution and charm. But all of her lines come from fortune cookies for retards. In one pivotal scene, she’s with a commercial tycoon (Nobu-san) at a sumo match, and asks him about sumo wrestling. Disdainful of geishas, Nobu-san says something like, “What do you care? All geishas are interested in is dancing.” Her clever and endearing comeback? “Nobu-san, isn’t-a bus-ah-ness nothing more than-a tew company dancing around each oder?” And he was blown away by her answer, as though it was the most insightful comment he’d ever heard! (Secretly, I was hoping he’d say something like, “Ah, no, bus-ah-ness is rike excer spreadsheets and determining-a weighted-a average cost ur capiterr.”)
The worst part is, the movie is about the decline of the art of the geisha in the face of modernism, yet it never makes a case for why geishas are important. All I learned from the movie is that geishas had self-created a niche market for themselves that added nothing of value to society. It was like watching a movie about the last of the bathroom attendants. In what I’m sure was intended to be an oscar clip for the movie, an older geisha explains to Sayuri that geishas don’t have the luxury of loving any one person. And I was yelling at the t.v., “What is so great about this career choice? Why not open a sake shop, so that you can earn a living and bang someone you like?” Towards the end, I was cheering for industrialization.
Onto the new season…
When we last saw our heroes, an exhausted-looking franchise was limping off the field in Seattle in defeat. “FINISHED!” sang the New York Post. “BOLLOXED!” trumpeted the Times of London. “LAISSEZ-FAIRE!” sniffed Le Monde. Were experts the world over right? Would this be the swan song for the most dominant team in NFL history?
Or could it possibly be just the first half of an ingenious strategy two-year strategy to win the Super Bowl? Crazy, you say? Crazy…like a fox?
Let’s look at how Coach Fox improved the Growling Wall during the intermission of his two-act masterpiece.
Wide Receiver
Keyshawn Johnson—with the addition of “Szechuan,” the Panthers have added a second passing threat to take the pressure off of the Nureyev of the Slant Route, WR Steve Smith, and avoid the bizarre 10-on-1 coverage that shut him down during last year’s NFC Championship.
Defensive Line
Poor people draw comfort from the thought that money can’t buy happiness. In truth, not only can money buy all sorts of happiness, but money also has the added benefit of taking that happiness away from someone else. In one of the biggest coups of the offseasons, the Panthers signed 6-5/350 DT Maake “The Buffet Killer” Kemoeatu away from the Ravens. Alongside a healthy 6-4/335 DT Kris Jenkins, teams will have an easier time getting a donut past Greg Gumble than running up the middle on the Panthers.
Quarterback
This past Saturday, the Panthers cut their number three and four QBs, Stefan LaFors and Brett Basanez. ??? Who the heck are these guys? Do you realize we’re one cheap Kimo von Oelhoffen hit away from a Chris Weinke start? It didn’t have to be like this. Jeff Garcia was available. Kerry Collins was available. You don’t think these guys would consider joining a team with a shot at the Super Bowl? Even Billy Volek is available.
(Actually, I’d love to sit in on that phone call.
Panthers: We really think you have the potential to be a starting quarterback.
Volek: Really?! Wow!
Panthers: We’d love to fly you down to Charlotte for a workout.
Volek: Oh wow, are you serious?
Panthers: This is Matt Schaub, right?
Volek: No, this is…this is Billy Volek.
Panthers (giggling): Oh, sorry. >click<)
Not everything worked out as planned.
And then there were the accusations of steroid use (despite the fact that no Panthers in 2003 or since have tested positive for steroids!). Concerned, I conducted my own exhaustive impartial investigation, and uncovered two startling facts. One, the source of these spurious rumors was the Falcons’ front office! And the offending substance? Nothing more than a bad case of grits That's right, good old-fashioned grits! Who knew?!
Well, I’m glad we can put that issue to bed. Onto the preseason…
The most beloved franchise in professional sports history, America’s Team, your CAROLINA PANTHERS were, in a word, immaculate. In a level of perfection never seen outside of the Book of Genesis, the Tar Heel Terror Squad went four and oh. From Keyshawn’s dazzling performance in Week 1 to rookie RB Deangelo Williams 98-yd kickoff return in Week 3 to K John Kasay’s flawless outing (5-of-5) in Week 4, the Panthers left little doubt, that, once again, the Road to the Super Bowl takes Exit 1D off of I-277.
The table has been set. The Cats are pacing their cages.
It’s time to unleash hell.
NEXT WEEK: The Panthers kick off the first week of the NFL season by hosting the Atlanta Felons.
Prediction: Carolina 68, Atlanta 7
(and remember, keep that reader mail coming)
Until next time.
RROWRRRRRRRR!
posted by Panther fan at 7:07 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home