Week 18: Fun With Steve and Jake
(not much of an intro today, but wait until the reader mail feature)
There was this article yesterday about a rise in hermaphroditism in polar bears. Scientists claim that the presence of both sets of sexual organs is a direct result of increasing pollution of the arctic environment.
So these bears have to endure a little teasing growing up. Big deal. What do you want me to do, drive a Prius?
Onto the game. . .
This past weekend was wildcard weekend in the NFL, the first round of playoff action on the road to the Super Bowl! What I saw:
Patriots-Jaguars: QB Byron Leftwich wins the 2005 Fuamatu-Ma'afala Award for Player With Most Promising Second Career on the Professional Eating Circuit.
Redskins-Buccaneers: text of my email to dave and mike at end of first quarter--"washington has half as many first downs, fewer total yards, fewer passing yards, fewer rushing yards, fewer plays, more penalties, and 1/3 tampa's time of possession. yet they're leading 14-3."
Steelers-Bengals: I came in midway through the first quarter and Rulon Gardner was playing quarterback for Cincinnati.
Panthers-Giants: coming off a woodshed thrashing of the Falcons, many speculated that the Panthers had overspent themselves. Many thought it would be a different story against Eli, Tiki, and Michael Strahan. Many were wrong. Coach Fox's game plan was simple yet brilliant: with the Giants weak at the linebacker spot (and losing one of their starters early in the game), establish a consistent running game, use Steve Smith to prevent stacking at the line of scrimmage, and let the Tar Heel Terror Squad hurry the rookie meat QB.
The key to the running game? A move first developed by your intrepid author. On the flag football circuit, it's called the "PF Twist." You spin in the direction of your pursuer's momentum at the last second, just as he's trying to wrap his arms around you, in effect rolling off of him while letting his weight carry him forward. When used correctly, it's unstoppable.
Using the PF Twist, RB DeShaun Foster uncorked a ground assault on the Giants. But it was the Palmetto Lightning Bolt, WR Steve Smith, left inexplicably in one-on-one coverage, who scored from the 22 for the first points of the game. Panthers lead, 7-0! With the half drawing to a close, and the New York fans merely listless, the Giants gave them something to boo about, whiffing a punt reception inside the Giant's half of the field with time on the clock. One K John Kasay kick later, halftime score, 10-0 Panthers!
The Giants' halftime adjustment ("let's not suck so much this time") failed to materialize. In the third came the game's turning point. With the Giants finally rallying, low-profile/high-impact free agent acquisition CB Ken Lucas picks him off, setting up Smith for a touchdown one play later! Panthers up 17-0! S Marlon McCree picked off Manning twice more, leading to a 23-0 Panthers victory. Gotta love how the '05 RB Tiki Barber is about as discrete about having post-career ambitions as the '04 Spitzer, going as far as saying they had been "out-coached."
Reader mail feature:
Last week's email generated more responses than any other email in your esteemed writer's memory.
first, from Robin, wife of Steelers fan Mike Y. in Kansas:
"He was terrible! Jumping up and down, screaming about calls. He was tense whenever the Steelers had the ball, or when the other guys (I forget already who they played) were close to scoring - which was pretty often that first quarter. He thinks that if he doesn't breathe or pulls his t-shirt up over his mouth that good things will happen for the Steelers. Or, (and I'm not kidding about this) when the Steelers needed a change of pace, he turned on the lights. I'm surprised he didn't get out the terrible towel and wave it around. Yes, he has done that before, as if that helps distract the other team through the television. And the worst part of it is that we'll have to go through it again this Sunday."
onto the pictures. from Arch S. in Palo Alto:
"I think it would be a great idea. One of my friends back home got his nipples pierced and it was hot. He was straight as an arrow."
from Jessica T., in NYC:
"For crying out loud, don't you EVER wear a shirt?!?!?"
It was a big week for "EVER"
from Brian B. in NYC:
"Oh I've got some reader mail for you. (a) Don't EVER (in the sense of "ever") send me shirtless pictures of yourself, EVER again. Understand? (b) But with respect to the belly button ring, sure, go ahead. As long as you follow it up by immediately killing yourself."
I'm going to count that one as "pro-piercing."
from Al R., in his parents' basement:
"I threw up twice after seeing the topless photos."
from M. Lo, in South Beach:
"You have a stomach of iron. I only made it past the first topless photo."
from Mary C. in St. Lou-eee:
"let me add to the conversation about relationships. remember when you took that girl to the dance at HLS? at the end of the night you said something to the effect of: 'want to spend the night?' ok. ok. nothing wrong with asking. and then you explained yourself: 'because I don't feel like walking you home.' classy."
This weekend: Last time they met, the Chicago Bears sacked Delhomme eight times en route to a 13-3 victory that solidified their status as an NFC contender. G Mike Wahle: "We weren't prepared for the ferocity of the Chicago defense." The Chicago D looks tired. Rex Grossman has played about as many NFL games as Maurice Clarett. And the Panthers are coming off of successive dominating performances. Who's looking ferocious now?
Until next time.
Rrowrrr!
There was this article yesterday about a rise in hermaphroditism in polar bears. Scientists claim that the presence of both sets of sexual organs is a direct result of increasing pollution of the arctic environment.
So these bears have to endure a little teasing growing up. Big deal. What do you want me to do, drive a Prius?
Onto the game. . .
This past weekend was wildcard weekend in the NFL, the first round of playoff action on the road to the Super Bowl! What I saw:
Patriots-Jaguars: QB Byron Leftwich wins the 2005 Fuamatu-Ma'afala Award for Player With Most Promising Second Career on the Professional Eating Circuit.
Redskins-Buccaneers: text of my email to dave and mike at end of first quarter--"washington has half as many first downs, fewer total yards, fewer passing yards, fewer rushing yards, fewer plays, more penalties, and 1/3 tampa's time of possession. yet they're leading 14-3."
Steelers-Bengals: I came in midway through the first quarter and Rulon Gardner was playing quarterback for Cincinnati.
Panthers-Giants: coming off a woodshed thrashing of the Falcons, many speculated that the Panthers had overspent themselves. Many thought it would be a different story against Eli, Tiki, and Michael Strahan. Many were wrong. Coach Fox's game plan was simple yet brilliant: with the Giants weak at the linebacker spot (and losing one of their starters early in the game), establish a consistent running game, use Steve Smith to prevent stacking at the line of scrimmage, and let the Tar Heel Terror Squad hurry the rookie meat QB.
The key to the running game? A move first developed by your intrepid author. On the flag football circuit, it's called the "PF Twist." You spin in the direction of your pursuer's momentum at the last second, just as he's trying to wrap his arms around you, in effect rolling off of him while letting his weight carry him forward. When used correctly, it's unstoppable.
Using the PF Twist, RB DeShaun Foster uncorked a ground assault on the Giants. But it was the Palmetto Lightning Bolt, WR Steve Smith, left inexplicably in one-on-one coverage, who scored from the 22 for the first points of the game. Panthers lead, 7-0! With the half drawing to a close, and the New York fans merely listless, the Giants gave them something to boo about, whiffing a punt reception inside the Giant's half of the field with time on the clock. One K John Kasay kick later, halftime score, 10-0 Panthers!
The Giants' halftime adjustment ("let's not suck so much this time") failed to materialize. In the third came the game's turning point. With the Giants finally rallying, low-profile/high-impact free agent acquisition CB Ken Lucas picks him off, setting up Smith for a touchdown one play later! Panthers up 17-0! S Marlon McCree picked off Manning twice more, leading to a 23-0 Panthers victory. Gotta love how the '05 RB Tiki Barber is about as discrete about having post-career ambitions as the '04 Spitzer, going as far as saying they had been "out-coached."
Reader mail feature:
Last week's email generated more responses than any other email in your esteemed writer's memory.
first, from Robin, wife of Steelers fan Mike Y. in Kansas:
"He was terrible! Jumping up and down, screaming about calls. He was tense whenever the Steelers had the ball, or when the other guys (I forget already who they played) were close to scoring - which was pretty often that first quarter. He thinks that if he doesn't breathe or pulls his t-shirt up over his mouth that good things will happen for the Steelers. Or, (and I'm not kidding about this) when the Steelers needed a change of pace, he turned on the lights. I'm surprised he didn't get out the terrible towel and wave it around. Yes, he has done that before, as if that helps distract the other team through the television. And the worst part of it is that we'll have to go through it again this Sunday."
onto the pictures. from Arch S. in Palo Alto:
"I think it would be a great idea. One of my friends back home got his nipples pierced and it was hot. He was straight as an arrow."
from Jessica T., in NYC:
"For crying out loud, don't you EVER wear a shirt?!?!?"
It was a big week for "EVER"
from Brian B. in NYC:
"Oh I've got some reader mail for you. (a) Don't EVER (in the sense of "ever") send me shirtless pictures of yourself, EVER again. Understand? (b) But with respect to the belly button ring, sure, go ahead. As long as you follow it up by immediately killing yourself."
I'm going to count that one as "pro-piercing."
from Al R., in his parents' basement:
"I threw up twice after seeing the topless photos."
from M. Lo, in South Beach:
"You have a stomach of iron. I only made it past the first topless photo."
from Mary C. in St. Lou-eee:
"let me add to the conversation about relationships. remember when you took that girl to the dance at HLS? at the end of the night you said something to the effect of: 'want to spend the night?' ok. ok. nothing wrong with asking. and then you explained yourself: 'because I don't feel like walking you home.' classy."
This weekend: Last time they met, the Chicago Bears sacked Delhomme eight times en route to a 13-3 victory that solidified their status as an NFC contender. G Mike Wahle: "We weren't prepared for the ferocity of the Chicago defense." The Chicago D looks tired. Rex Grossman has played about as many NFL games as Maurice Clarett. And the Panthers are coming off of successive dominating performances. Who's looking ferocious now?
Until next time.
Rrowrrr!
posted by Panther fan at 3:45 PM
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