Week 4: Open Season
If I were to ever fall into the hands of the enemy, they needn’t bother breaking out the torture tactics to get me to talk. All they’d have to do is put me in a socially uncomfortable situation.
My ex-secretary was leaning against my doorframe, her posture begging me to inquire further. I tried ignoring her. I lasted less than twenty seconds.
“What’s new?”
“We found your replacement,” she said smugly.
“He sounds handsome,” I said without looking away from my monitor.
“He’s our new tax associate. He’s Indian.”
“Mm hmm,” I responded. “Don’t you have a deadline to miss?”
She was already walking back down the hall. “Oh, and one other thing,” she said, pausing for one last dramatic look over the shoulder. “His name is Anand.”
I assured her that this wasn’t of the slightest interest to me.
***
“Have you heard of this guy?” I was asking my friend Cleveland an hour later. I was pawing through his candy bowl, setting aside the pedestrian Laffy Taffys and Bit-o-Honeys for something more interesting.
“Anand? Yeah. Didn’t you read that email that went around at the end of summer?”
I focused on picking a Jolly Rancher lollipop. Cherry.
“He’s kind of weird,” said Jen, another first-year associate who had started with my doppelganger. “I was trying to make small talk with him, so I asked him where he lived, and he said Virginia. I told him I’d considered living in Virginia, but ended up in an apartment in the city. And he leaned into my face and said, ‘And paying four percent more in taxes, I see!’”
“Actually,” said Cleveland, “he sounds a lot like you.”
I left his office to go catch up on email.
***
I was busy doing research in our intranet personnel directory when my colleague Alex, of the perpetually sunny disposition, popped into my office.
“Hey!” she said. “What’s new?”
I swiveled around and took the lollipop out of my mouth. “I have a doppelganger.”
“How exciting!” she said gaily. “What flavor is it?”
Onto the game…
They appeared unbeatable coming in. The NFL hype machine had spent a full three weeks talking about how much a rejuvenated Saints franchise meant to the city of New Orleans, how much it meant for a city still trying to get its stoplights working to see a team of millionaires giving it their all for approximately three hours every week. They were unbeaten, yes. But they were also marching into Charlotte, North Carolina, home of America’s Team, the Blue Ridge Mountain Express, your CAROLINA PANTHERS!
As it turned out, New Orleans was about as prepared as FEMA for Air Carolina. After WR Keyshawn Johnson bobbled a pass, the General, QB Jake Delhomme, had the presence of mind to get his team to the line of scrimmage and throw a quick TD pass to WR Steve Smith before the refs could even react! Panthers up 7-0!
But the Panthers’ O-line, already dicey after losing OG Travelle Wharton for the season in the first game, took another hit in the second quarter, as OG Mike Wahle left with an illness. ??? An “illness”? Did he eat bad Chinese during the first quarter? Was he making out with a NO DT with laryngitis?
The Saints capitalized on the Panthers’ emotional fragility to bring it back to 10-7. But this offense has nine lives, and in the fourth, with the Saints hung up covering Smith and Johnson, Delhomme throws a four-yard TD pass to WR Drew Carter! Panthers up 14-10!
The overrated NO RB Reggie Bush came into this game with high expectations, but the Big Cat D was all over him like Mark Foley on a Senate page. Bush was held to 22 yards on 11 carries or just 2 yards per carry, about what you’d get if you handed the ball to Gheorge Muresan at the line of scrimmage and tripped him.
The Panthers’ plan was to get first downs and run out the clock. But someone didn’t tell RB Deshaun Foster! With his coaches screaming for him to go down, Foster broke away and went down—downtown, 43 yards to put the panthers up 21-10 with 1:45 left to play!
But the Saints rallied back. A long bomb from Drew Brees to rookie Marques Colston and a two-point conversion pulled them to within a field goal with 1:15 left to play! An onside kick recovery, and the Saints could tie if not win the game outright.
Enter third-string RB Nick Goings. He of the concussive hit during the conference title game that left him about as lucid as Radio. Sure, he may not be much help with sudokus these days, but one thing he can do better than anyone else is hold onto the ball.
An onside kick by the saints…recovered by the Panthers! Panthers run out the clock! Panthers win! Panthers win!!!!!
And now, for our reader mail feature:
From Reenah K, in Southeast DC:
“Yet again - oddly enough, Anant's account of the evening is entirely accurate. I'd just like to note for the record, though, that I'm wearing the infamous ‘moccasin’ shoes today (which are heels, btw) and have gotten two compliments on them already. ha HA!”
Next week: Did anyone else realize that the NFL has a franchise in Cleveland? And that it plays sixteen games? Against other NFL teams? Seriously. Apparently, the Panthers play them next week.
Prediction: Panthers 44, Cleveland mystery franchise 3
Until next time.
RROWRRRRRRRR!
My ex-secretary was leaning against my doorframe, her posture begging me to inquire further. I tried ignoring her. I lasted less than twenty seconds.
“What’s new?”
“We found your replacement,” she said smugly.
“He sounds handsome,” I said without looking away from my monitor.
“He’s our new tax associate. He’s Indian.”
“Mm hmm,” I responded. “Don’t you have a deadline to miss?”
She was already walking back down the hall. “Oh, and one other thing,” she said, pausing for one last dramatic look over the shoulder. “His name is Anand.”
I assured her that this wasn’t of the slightest interest to me.
***
“Have you heard of this guy?” I was asking my friend Cleveland an hour later. I was pawing through his candy bowl, setting aside the pedestrian Laffy Taffys and Bit-o-Honeys for something more interesting.
“Anand? Yeah. Didn’t you read that email that went around at the end of summer?”
I focused on picking a Jolly Rancher lollipop. Cherry.
“He’s kind of weird,” said Jen, another first-year associate who had started with my doppelganger. “I was trying to make small talk with him, so I asked him where he lived, and he said Virginia. I told him I’d considered living in Virginia, but ended up in an apartment in the city. And he leaned into my face and said, ‘And paying four percent more in taxes, I see!’”
“Actually,” said Cleveland, “he sounds a lot like you.”
I left his office to go catch up on email.
***
I was busy doing research in our intranet personnel directory when my colleague Alex, of the perpetually sunny disposition, popped into my office.
“Hey!” she said. “What’s new?”
I swiveled around and took the lollipop out of my mouth. “I have a doppelganger.”
“How exciting!” she said gaily. “What flavor is it?”
Onto the game…
They appeared unbeatable coming in. The NFL hype machine had spent a full three weeks talking about how much a rejuvenated Saints franchise meant to the city of New Orleans, how much it meant for a city still trying to get its stoplights working to see a team of millionaires giving it their all for approximately three hours every week. They were unbeaten, yes. But they were also marching into Charlotte, North Carolina, home of America’s Team, the Blue Ridge Mountain Express, your CAROLINA PANTHERS!
As it turned out, New Orleans was about as prepared as FEMA for Air Carolina. After WR Keyshawn Johnson bobbled a pass, the General, QB Jake Delhomme, had the presence of mind to get his team to the line of scrimmage and throw a quick TD pass to WR Steve Smith before the refs could even react! Panthers up 7-0!
But the Panthers’ O-line, already dicey after losing OG Travelle Wharton for the season in the first game, took another hit in the second quarter, as OG Mike Wahle left with an illness. ??? An “illness”? Did he eat bad Chinese during the first quarter? Was he making out with a NO DT with laryngitis?
The Saints capitalized on the Panthers’ emotional fragility to bring it back to 10-7. But this offense has nine lives, and in the fourth, with the Saints hung up covering Smith and Johnson, Delhomme throws a four-yard TD pass to WR Drew Carter! Panthers up 14-10!
The overrated NO RB Reggie Bush came into this game with high expectations, but the Big Cat D was all over him like Mark Foley on a Senate page. Bush was held to 22 yards on 11 carries or just 2 yards per carry, about what you’d get if you handed the ball to Gheorge Muresan at the line of scrimmage and tripped him.
The Panthers’ plan was to get first downs and run out the clock. But someone didn’t tell RB Deshaun Foster! With his coaches screaming for him to go down, Foster broke away and went down—downtown, 43 yards to put the panthers up 21-10 with 1:45 left to play!
But the Saints rallied back. A long bomb from Drew Brees to rookie Marques Colston and a two-point conversion pulled them to within a field goal with 1:15 left to play! An onside kick recovery, and the Saints could tie if not win the game outright.
Enter third-string RB Nick Goings. He of the concussive hit during the conference title game that left him about as lucid as Radio. Sure, he may not be much help with sudokus these days, but one thing he can do better than anyone else is hold onto the ball.
An onside kick by the saints…recovered by the Panthers! Panthers run out the clock! Panthers win! Panthers win!!!!!
And now, for our reader mail feature:
From Reenah K, in Southeast DC:
“Yet again - oddly enough, Anant's account of the evening is entirely accurate. I'd just like to note for the record, though, that I'm wearing the infamous ‘moccasin’ shoes today (which are heels, btw) and have gotten two compliments on them already. ha HA!”
Next week: Did anyone else realize that the NFL has a franchise in Cleveland? And that it plays sixteen games? Against other NFL teams? Seriously. Apparently, the Panthers play them next week.
Prediction: Panthers 44, Cleveland mystery franchise 3
Until next time.
RROWRRRRRRRR!
posted by Panther fan at 4:42 PM
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