Week 12: Thanksgiving 2--Revenge of the Indians

Got the following email from Harvard Club of Washington:

Learn How to Pack for the Holidays and Beyond w/the Queen of Innovative
Packing Laura Haverkorn

Sunday, Dec. 10, 2006

Cost: $5.members/$10.nonmembers

Time: 10:30AM - 11:30PM ET

Location: Innovative Luggage

3068 M Street, NW

Washington, DC 20007

202-333-6299

Description: Join us for this complete primer on packing and receive
innovative tips on how to streamline your packing.

Several valuable pieces of luggage will be given away at this event so
please join us and bring friends. Additionally, I understand that each
participant will receive gifts that will aid in the packing process.
Refreshments will be served.

I find this fascinating. How does one become a “Queen” of packing? Is it a hereditary title? Is it decided by “Tetris”? Do Harvard grads really need to pay someone five bucks to show them how to pack a suitcase? Do non-Harvard grads really need to pay someone twice as much to someone to show them how to pack a suitcase? Is that a typo, or does she really expect this to take thirteen hours? What kind of gifts “aid in the packing process”? Bubble wrap? A lien on your worldly goods? What kinds of innovative tips should attendees expect? “Don’t pack that extra rock.” “Underwear can be worn four times, not just twice.” “That ‘Li’l Jihadist Activity Set’ is probably better sent by UPS.”

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I don’t like Christopher Guest movies. In fact, the only thing I dislike more than Christopher Guest movies are gushing fans of Christopher Guest movies. Here’s the inconvenient truth: they’re not funny. The nut scene in “Best in Show”—doesn’t make me laugh. The soup scene in “Best in Show”—doesn’t make me laugh. I don’t care if the dialogue is totally unscripted, or if all of the boom mike operators are Balinese dwarves; the only thing that matters is whether it’s funny or not. I don’t have to “appreciate” a movie because of wildly innovative but ultimately boring dialogue any more than I have to “appreciate” a suck-ass meal because the chef made the entire thing in a dishwasher. If they were documentaries, they’d be pretty funny. But since they’re not, they should be funnier.

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Onto the game. . .

From Brian B., in NYC:

“btw, my carolina panthers lost today to the washington freaking redskins. I don’t know if you saw the game or heard about the results or anything, but the redskins (4-7 record, LAST ranked defense in the NFC) beat my carolina panthers, helped by an end zone interception, and what you might call a disappointing performance on defense by my carolina panthers, especially in the secondary. washington, on the other hand, played very good defense, holding my carolina panthers to something like 250 yards.

cheers,

brian”

The field was angry last week, my friends.

The Redskins defense, outraged by an espn.com article suggesting that their last-ranked defense wasn’t playing that well, played with a purpose. The Big Cat D, having shut out St. Louis the week before, was spoiling for a fight.

The offensive play-calling, meanwhile, appeared to be fulfilling a Make-a-Wish obligation.

First half: punt, INT, punt, punt, punt, Carolina FG, turnover on downs, punt, punt, punt, Redskins FG, punt, punt, Carolina FG, end of half. Not since “A Mighty Wind” have so many been so enthralled by so little!

After halftime, business picked up. A shank punt from P Jason Baker gave the Redskins the field position to take the lead, 10-7, in the third. But in the fourth, the General, QB Jake Delhomme led the Panthers on a 15-play, 74-yard drive, culminating in a two-feet-barely-in reception by WR Steve Smith in the endzone. Touchdown, Panthers! Panthers up 13-10 with less than seven minutes to go! It’s all over!

But wait. Two drives later, a blown tackle, and Redskins QB Lando Calrissian connects with TE Chris Cooley for a 66-yard TD. Unbelievably, the Redskins are still in it!

With less than two minutes to go, the ball was once again in Jake Delhomme’s hands. In two plays, he took the Panthers from their own 29 to the Redskins 41. Redskins fans were resigning themselves to the inevitable when, instead, they got the unthinkable—an end zone heave into double coverage, with three downs and over a minute left. Interception! Redskins win! The three-hour wait to get out of FedEx field parking lot is raucous!

What happened? The defense, but for a critical missed tackle by DB Mike Minter, had pretty much shut down Washington all day. RB DeAngelo Williams carried the ball 17 times for 68 yards, not execrable by any means. And but for a couple of drops, the wide receivers and tight ends were getting more open than Britney Spears’ “red zone.”

So, is it the coaching or the quarterback?

Coach Fox has made some questionable decisions this season. The three straight running plays late in the fourth quarter of this game, when they were down by one score. The Keyshawn trick play resulting in an interception against St. Louis. The CB Chris Gamble trick play that cost them the Vikings game. The new material he wrote for Michael Richards.

For most of the game, it looked as though he was content w the offense being a crapshoot and relying upon his defense to prevent the Redskins from scoring. The strategy is to hold the other side in check and then just hope that things miraculously get better? That’s our Iraq foreign policy, not how you win a football game!

Or is it Delhomme? On riverboat casinos, are bad gamblers referred to as “wild-armed quarterbacks”? He threw the fourth-quarter pick to end the game in Washington, just as he did in Cincinnati, even when less risky plays were viable. But his completion percentage is about the same as it’s been since he’s been a Panther (~60%), and he’s on pace to throw about the same number of interceptions that he has over the past three years (~15.5).

Are the Panthers done? Is Star Jones too sexy? Just one week ago, the Panthers were in first place in their division!

In fact, some would argue that a loss actually puts the Panthers in a better position. With Michael Vick continuing the family tradition of threatening innocent bystanders and Tampa Bay officially changing its name to the Washington Generals, the NFC South is a race between Carolina and New Orleans. Had Carolina pulled ahead with a two-game lead, the Saints might have revamped their offense, and turned to their running game. But now, they’re more likely to keep up Drew Brees’ torrid passing yardage for the rest of the season.

And who got labrum surgery just a few months ago? Crazy, you say.

Or crazy like a Fox?. . .

Random thoughts. . .

Screw you, Theisman! Screw you! Moment of the Week

Theisman: These weather conditions are perfect for a back like Shaun Alexander, because he keeps his feet under him.

Kornheiser: Where else would he keep them, Joe?

If America cared about Brett Favre as much as football commentators do, he’d have more product endorsements than any athlete in history.

Next Monday night: The Scourge of Dixie travels to Philadelphia to take on the Eagles.

Prediction: The only thing A.J. Feely manages to score all night is Heather Mitts. Panthers 85, Eagles 6.

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRR!