Week 13: Apocalypto

The John Mellencamp-Chevy Silverado commercial has been talked about ad mortem, but there are other commercials that are being run ad nauseam.

Lexis December-to-Remember (setup: two guys walking around a Lexis w a red bow parked on the street): This is the one that goes “Someone got a Lexis for Christmas.” “Someone did.” “Maybe someone should start clearing out space in the garage.” “Someone already has.” I’ve watched this commercial more than five times, and I still have no idea what’s going on. Do they know who bought the Lexis? Did one of them buy it for his wife? Did one of them buy it for the other? “Someone should move to Massachusetts.” “Maybe someone plans to.” “Maybe someone will join him.”

Favorite new product name: Liquid Plumr’s “Foaming Pipe Snake” (http://www99.epinions.com/content_176223194756)

Rocky Balboa (movie trailer): classic example of not having enough friends in the real world. Sly, of course when people come up to you, they’re going to talk about “Rocky.” Frankly, you’re not that interesting. That doesn’t mean that when you’re not around, the rest of the world is talking about “Rocky.” And this is coming from someone who defends Rocky V.

Memo to NBC execs, t.v. critics, and intellectually superior fans—instead of blaming the low ratings for “Studio 60” on America’s inability to appreciate intelligent programming, try making a promo that’s even remotely funny or interesting. And then maybe you won’t get your Nielsens handed to you by Hilariously Mismatched Overweight Guy and Saucy Wife Prefab Sitcom.

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New track recommendation: “Hood Boy,” Fantasia Barrino feat. Big Boi (URL)

Fantasia = Macey Gray – Renee Zellwegger

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There’s a lot of talk about how Tennessee can beat any team in the league right now. Let’s not get carried away. Any football prognosticator honest enough to tally their picks will almost always finish a season close to .500. In other words, you can probably call as many games by season’s end by flipping a coin as can the people making seven figures a year doing nothing but this. Any team can be beaten any week; Tennessee has managed to come up heads a few weeks in a row. But take a look at how it’s won—this team would just as easily have finished 3-13. Remember the coin flip model; it becomes important later.

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onto the game. . .

Heading into the bright lights of Monday night, the question on everyone’s mind was, can America’s Team, your CAROLINA PANTHERS keep up their momentum and remain one of the few true powerhouses of the NFC? An entire nation was treated to a clinic on Panther football.

First half: punt, punt, punt, Carolina touchdown (Smith), punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, Philadelphia touchdown (Westbrook), punt, punt, Carolina touchdown (Johnson). Panthers lead 14-7 at the half!

[Cue Hank Williams Jr. “Are you ready for some punting?/A whole lotta three ‘n outs!/Lackadaisical offense/Is what Carolina’s all about. . .(Little Richard: “Whoooo!”)”]

The second half was a battle for the ages. Point for point, QB Jeff Garcia (despite being oddly booed by Philly fans) matched the best that Delhomme and the Panthers could offer. The Philly receivers kept burning the Carolina corners, and Garcia tied it at 14. However, RB DeAngelo “Brown Sugar” Williams, having a career night in his spotlight as the starter, ran in a 35 yard pass from Delhomme, to put the Panthers up 21-14 at the start of the fourth!

The Big Cat D held the Phillies to 3, and a FG from “Leg of God” K John Kasay brought the Carolina lead back up to 7. Shot of Sylvester Stallone in a booth, mouthing, “Please make me still relevant.” If I can change, you can change! We can all change! Garcia throws a 40-yard pass, Carolina corners practice nonviolent resistance. We’re tied at 24!

Then, with fewer than ten minutes left, Delhomme throws deep directly into the hands of Brian Dawkins. Slight problem. Brian Dawkins plays for the Eagles. Delhomme’s been referred to as a “riverboat gambler,” “gunslinger,” and on Monday Night, by Steve Young as a “swashbuckler.” Since when did it become necessary to use romance-novel covers to describe a quarterback who sucks?

There are those who run from adversity. There are those who are made great by it. Eagles take it to the Carolina 12. But the Growling Wall would not give! With a first down at the Carolina 12, Philadelphia is held to a field goal. Down three points, Carolina has a chance to win the game outright!

WR Steve Smith sets up a 1^st and 7 at the Philly 7, with 48 seconds left and two timeouts. At worst, this game is going to go into overtime. But there won’t be a worst-case scenario.

Because with Delhomme, there’s always a worster-case scenario! End zone interception by Lito Sheppard on a pass intended for Keyshawn Johnson! Garcia kneels it out, and the Eagles win by 3!

There’s been mounting criticism of Delhomme these past few weeks, but I question whether he’s to blame for the two interceptions at Philly. The final play was the exact same play he’d made at the end of the first half to Keyshawn to put the Panthers up. Keyshawn didn’t get separation this time, and out of the next nine times Lito Sheppard tried to keep his feet inbounds on that grab, I’m sure he’d make it exactly zero times. It was that close.

As for the first INT, look back two plays. Nick Goings seemingly missed his route, Delhomme overthrew him, and was almost picked off by a safety coming in to defend. Fast forward. Goings takes a shorter route than Delhomme is expecting, the pass is overthrown. . .to the safety coming in to defend. I’d say there’s a better than even chance Goings messed up his route twice (I’m also convinced he suffered severe brain damage in the hit he took in Seattle during last year’s championship game).

So, was it Delhomme’s responsibility to not lob the first pass so high, and make a correction when he saw Keyshawn out of position? Would he even have been able to adjust on a timing pass? Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t play football. But I take exception to the criticism from the commentators, talking about how much worse Delhomme is this season. Over his career in Carolina, his completion percentage is about 60%, he throws about 15.5 interceptions each year, and he finishes with a QB rating in the mid to high eighties. As of the ¾ mark of the season, he’s projected to complete 59.4 percent, throw 15 interceptions, and finish with a QB rating of 79.4.

Remember the coin flip analogy I was making earlier? It’s the same Jake Delhomme. He’s just turning up tails right now. (And when your number two guy is 1-15 as a starter, there’s no point in even talking about benching Delhomme, unless you want to just hike the ball directly to the intended receiver every play.)

So, after battling through a bruising season, the Panthers have clawed their way into the thick of the wild-card hunt! Is there any team in the NFL that other teams are more afraid of playing right now than the Panthers?!

Next week: Giants at Panthers. With the exception of Dallas-New Orleans, the most exciting NFC matchup next week! Do you realize that we may witness the most entertaining fourth quarter in NFL history? It’s like some cosmic dream race between Mount Vesuvius and Three Mile Island! Delhomme will have one of his signature tantrums while Eli “Bizarro Delhomme” will start throwing shovel passes directly to Julius Peppers! Burress and his safety coverage will both quit and just start walking their plays at some point! Nick Goings will run some retarded route into the stands! Can you feel the excitement?!

Prediction: Panthers 4, Giants 2

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRR!