Preseason Week 2: The Brothers Grimm

Fans of America's Team, welcome back to another season of exciting Panther action! During the offseason, many of my fans all across the world were writing in, asking, "Is it true what they're saying about the steroids? Is the most fearsome defense in league history really doping?" And I'm happy to report that yesterday, Commissioner Paul Tagliabue found that the Panthers had no knowledge of steroid use by their players, and that punter Todd Sauerbrun's nuts are the size of raisins due to natural causes (it's popularly termed "Japan Syndrome").

A few quick observations on the first two weeks of the preseason:

LB Dan Morgan will have another freakish accident. Seriously, he's the kind of guy who could land awkwardly on his neck and end up tearing his Achilles. Fantasy footballers, this is my only warning.

DE Julius "Doctor" Peppers will be twice the monster he was last year. Did you see him almost rip Eli Manning's arm off last week? (Although can't you see GM Ernie Accorsi standing over Eli, screaming, his throwing arm lying in a pool of blood, going, "Yep. I'd still start him over Warner.")

Despite the worldwide hype about the return of WR Steve Smith (sidelined all of last season with a leg injury), watch for second-year WR Keary Colbert to become a legitimate offensive threat by midseason. Delhomme to Colbert will be the best second option since Ben Affleck started banging Jennifer Garner.

Theismann will spend at least ten minutes talking about Michael Vick during non-Falcon games.

Next week: more exciting preseason roundup!