Weeks 2 and 3: Just Like Heaven

a couple of things. . .

I find it immensely entertaining that a mere three weeks after the NFL hype machine anointed New Orleans "America's Team" and shoved it down our throats (even Chris Berman got in on the act with his very-special-moment deep Chris Berman voice), they're beginning to realize the folly of christening a bunch of malcontent, whining underachievers a Cinderella team. Jim Haslet, who has enigmatically stretched a lone playoff victory _five years ago_ into a career, called it "patronizing" to have the game at the Meadowlands referred to as a "home" game. Joe Horn, who so wants to become a "personality" player that he's become more transparently desperate than Don Cheadle's character in "Boogie Nights," said that the NFL made a "mockery" of their home opener. What courage! How inspirational! This is the same kind of pleasure as finding out a child star is really a dope fiend, or watching Ashlee Simpson self-destruct in front of a live studio audience. I love watching fabricated images blow up. They're still a bunch of whiny losers and the NFL is finding itself in a hole of its own creation.

On to the show. . .

The most popular forms of entertainment in Thailand are, in reverse order, muay thai boxing, swindling foreigners, and Panthers football, and the country went nuts when the Panthers crushed the Pats in Week 2. It's amazing what people can forget in a week. After a dramatic victory over the Steelers this past week, the press cognoscenti have already anointed Tom Brady as (i) the league MVP, (ii) this year's Super Bowl MVP, (iii) a Hall of Fame lock, and (iv) America's Next Top Model. Just remember, against the Panthers, Brady went 23/44 for 270, 1 INT and 1 fumble.

To dominate one of the league's most feared teams is one thing; two dominate two in successive weeks? Unberievaberr! But that's exactly what the Panthers did in Miami in week 3! After tearing apart the defending Super Bowl champs on the ground (the Locomotive, RB Stephen Davis scoring 3 TDs), the Panthers ably demonstrated their aerial aptitude, with the General, Jake Delhomme, connecting with WR Steve Smith for 3 touchdowns! The last-minute Olindo Mare was meaningless compared to the clinic put on by your Panthers! The new Power Rankings are in, No. 1--Panthers, No. 2--Jesus on Judgment Day, No. 3--everybody else!

Reader mail feature:

Dave D. writes, "You said Bangkok."
Hee hee. I know. That still cracks me up. That and Dick Butkus. And Mitch Gaylord. And guys with girls' names, like Shannon or Kelly.

Kelly H. writes: "Nice to see someone besides me take heat in one of your posts!"
Whoops.

This week, in the bright lights of Monday night, Green Bay travels to Carolina. The press already have their human interest angle: Brett Favre lost his childhood home in Hurricane Katrina. Oh boo hoo. He's still, like, a kajillionaire. If Favre thought Hurrican Katrina was bad, wait until he sees what the Blue Cyclone does to his Packers.

Until next time.

Rrowrrr!

Week 1: Here Comes the Rain Again

Let me be upfront with you: I don't but into New Orleans as America's team. I don't. Despite the NFL hype machine going into overdrive, I just don't. Before the storm even hit, their organization had made arrangements for them to practice in San Antonio. They'll be able to play their home games in either Louisiana or the stadium in which they practice all week. These are guys making six or seven figures, doing exactly what they love doing, in a new town. They're just not suffering hardship, folks. It's like hoping Brittany Spears' next album will do well because that will somehow bring a ray of hope into the lives of destitute Orleaniques everywhere. They are as much "American heroes" as O.J. Simpson was declared to be when his scandal broke.

But this was the team rolling into North Carolina on Sunday, NFL hype machine preceding it, and the orders from the Commish were clear: whatever you do, make sure the Saints win their opener and their Monday nighter. This will be a ratings bonanza.

The fans packing Ericsson stadium donated $200,000 on the spot to the relief effort. Two hundred thousand dollars! That's what I love about Carolinians. Carolina fans help out a person in need. Pats fans stab them. (http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/14/students.stabbed.ap/index.html).

The Panthers observed a moment of silence in honor of Katrina's victims, during which the Saints put up a touchdown. Then it was all business. Delhomme to a rejuvenated Steve Smith--touchdown Carolina! Tie ball game. Saints take the lead in the second. Meanwhile, Stephen Davis was having a monster game in his return. Having Stephen Davis and Deshaun Foster both healthy and running well is like that morning you wake up and realize you have free HBO. You don't know how you got it, you know you're going to enjoy it, but you're not really expecting it to last very long.

Saints went up a TD in the second, but at the end of the first half, Steve Smith for a TD! Was the Saints' fairy tale coming to an end? Not if the NFL had anything to say about it. Referees rule he was out of bounds. Unfazed, Delhomme lines up again after a couple of plays and nails Steve Smith _again_ in the end zone for a TD! Tie ball game! But wait! Illegal touch pass, TD nullified! Going into halftime, Saints lead. Leading MVP candidate? The referees.

With the prayers of a city and the eyes of a nation resting upon them, the courageous Carolina Panthers battled back during the second half. Down 20-14 at the top of the fourth, the inspiring Panthers overcame adversity not once but twice, scoring two field goals to tie it with just over a minute remaining! With some hurried instructions from the booth, the referees threw a couple of penalties onto Carolina to advance the Saints up the field. With seven seconds left, Carney boots it through, and America's Charlatans steal their first of two victories.

By the way, for you fantasy-ers, the Correll Buckhalter award goes to Pro Bowl Carolina DT Kris Jenkins, out for the second consecutive season, this time with a torn ACL. Names being bandied about as his replacement include ex-FEMA director Michael Brown. Because no one stops forward progress like Michael Brown.

Reader mail feature:

From Brian B.:

"the ivy league credentials / football ratio in this blog is troublingly high...and another thing: who the hell is yaghmour? that is all."

As we used to say at the prestigious Phillips Academy, on the nose, old boy! For the benefit of my readers in New York and Tokyo, I'll try to keep local friend references to a minimum. To answer your question, a "Yaghmour" is another name for the Missing Link.

This Sunday, the peerless Pats roll into Ericsson. Everyone's expecting a walk-over. So did Custer.

Until next time.

RROWRRRRR!

Preseason Week 4: March of the Panthers

As the nation continues one of the largest humanitarian relief projects ever undertaken, I once again urge everyone to do what they can to help those who have been devastated by Katrina's wake. I myself am opening up my home to any strippers left homeless by the hurricane.

We all have to do our part.

This weekend, the most dominant dynasty in the NFL, as Americana as Rockwell and teenage sexual exploration, your CAROLINA PANTHERS met the Pittsburgh Steelers for the final game of the preseason. There have been a lot of storylines this offseason: who has more of a lantern jaw, Bill Cowher or Jessica Simpson? Who has bigger breasts, Jerome Bettis or Jessica Simpson? But perhaps most intriguing of all: can future Hall-of-Famer RB Stephen Davis return to form after season-ending knee surgery last year? Can the Human Buzzsaw take the Blue Blitz Machine back to the Super Bowl?

DID YOU KNOW that the daily caloric intake of the average Pittsburgh fan can feed a starving family in Darfour for six months?

Field general Jake Delhomme smartly marched his team up the field for a quick score and the early lead. But the story of the night was the dynamic play of Davis! 5 times for an amazing 17 yards! Unberrievaberr!

Another Pittsburgh fun fact: Heinz family scion, Chris Heinz, was a year ahead of Dave and myself in Pierson College at Yale (he was actually in the same Pierson class as Matt Pillsbury, making it one of the wealthiest Pierson classes of all time). And he was the same year as Theo Epstein (the Yalie who led the Red Sox to the World Series last year), with whom I served on the Yale Daily News. A few years later, when Dave and I were at HLS (this is after we both worked at the Advisory Board under rising star Jeff Zients, who has recently made Forbes Richest 40 Under 40 several years in a row now), who was at HBS but Chris Heinz (this was his dating-Gwyneth-Paltrow phase). All I'm saying is that, no matter how many opportunities one is given in life, some of us just end up making friends with the Yaghmours of the world.

The Gary Kasparov of the Gridiron, John Fox, wisely pulled his starters after the first series, partly to rest them, partly to see whether Ben Roethlisberger could score an offseason touchdown playing against some reserves, the mascot, and Suzy Kolber (answer: no. Charlie Batch got the Steelers only touchdown with 1:36 remaining against Carolina's groundskeeping team.)

Until next time.

RROWRRRR!

Preseason Week 3: Tar Heel Terror Squad

Never has the awesome power of nature been more apparent. With the levees breaking, hundreds of thousands found themselves refugees in a first-world country. With power, electricity, and sewage utilities out, with certain parishes off-limits for weeks, with a downtown that may not see dry sidewalks for months, with no estimated time of arrival for normalcy, many residents find themselves grappling with monumental questions, such as: do we ever go back? where will our children go to school? and, perhaps the most important question of all: where will the strippers dance now? how will they support their seemingly interminable college educations?

In short, what about da ho's?

Natural disasters bring out the best in people as well as the worst in people. Our firm is sending $400,000 to the relief effort. ExxonMobil is contributing $2m, which, given that the storm reduced the nation's refining capacity by 10%, amounts to a thank-you gift. And then there's the ugly side, the vandalism, the roving gangs, the widespread looting. It seems like the one factoid no one wants to talk about is that every image of a looter to date has been black. Which isn't representative--I heard that some Asians broke into an Office Depot and stole office supplies.

(You know what would be the perfect solution to this disaster? Aquaman. Seriously, the entire city is _under water_. In the old Superfriends cartoons, they were always stretching for ways to make him relevant, like, having the supervillain inexplicably have a lair floating in the middle of the ocean, or extorting the world by threatening to blow up a dam. He would be _perfect_! Someone call Bush.)

In a perfect storm of a different sort, America's team, your Carolina Panthers traveled to Cleveland to face the Browns. The excitement started in the first quarter, with Delhomme taking the Panthers the entire length of the field, leading to the most electrifying kicker in the business, John Kasay, drilling a 22-yd field goal! Panthers up by three! Later in the first, another exciting field goal! Panthers up by six! Could there be a third? Crowd on its feet in the second--three straight field goals for Carolina! One of the most exciting games of the year, and it's only the preseason!

Fun fact about Cleveland: last year, it was ranked as the poorest city in the nation by the Census Bureau. This year, Detroit takes that honor--fully 33% of its denizens live below the poverty line. Cleveland ranks 12th, with 23%. In fact, take away the Lions' three first-round wide receivers and the gap widens while Harrington's stats remain the same.

The Browns scored on a field goal and a touchdown drive, going up by one. With Romeo Crennel no longer standing beside him on the New England sidelines, Bill Belichik lost an outstanding defensive schemer as well as the slimming effect. Grey sweatshirts from here on out. Panthers respond with yet another amazing Delhomme drive, capped off with a pass to a resurgent Steve Smith--touchdown!

Did you ever buy a shirt because it looked like a must-have at the time, only to regret it later because you paid way too much for it and can't return it? Exhibit A: Kellen Winslow Jr.
After a listless 3Q, the backup squads came in. The Browns took the lead briefly before historical footnote Chris Weinke, in _the final minute of the game_, drills the Big Chill, Efrem Hill, with a 21-yd laser! Touchdown-ballgame-Panthers!

And finally, for a new feature this week: reader mail. Last week, reader Lopes in Miami said:
"What fantasy football web site are you plagiarizing from??? My draft is this weekend."

Good luck, Lopes! It sounds like a wonderful way to not meet women.

Until next time.

RROWRRRR!