Week 6: Two (QBs) for the Money

I spent the first half of this week doing doc review in San Diego.

I stayed at the W Hotel, which marks the first time I've ever stayed at a hotel that's cooler than me. Everything there oozed a hipster vibe, from the techno music thumping through the lobby to the beanbags in our rooms to the trendy young hotel staff steeped in hair product and "Laguna Beach" plot points. At times it felt like the hotel was trying too hard, like the teacher who would sit cross-legged on the edge of his desk to show everybody he was "with it." Everything there had a little name. The gym was named "Sweat." The pool was named "Wet." And on our phones was a little button that said "Whatever/Whenever." I thought you were supposed to press it and the phone would start playing Shakira; instead, it connected you to their version of a concierge. I was tempted to dial Whatever/Whenever and ask to speak to Wet.

I was so uncool that upon checking in, I rolled my luggage right past the elevator banks ("Lift") into the restaurant. I eventually found my way back to Lift when a courteous young fellow dressed entirely in black darted out from behind a secret panel ("Let me get that for you, sir") and pressed the Up button. I felt like a supervillain at the grand opening of his secret lair.

On to the game. . .

Last Sunday, the mighty Blue, the Tar Heel Terror Squad, the most complete football team in the Super Bowl era, your CAROLINA PANTHERS, journeyed to Detroit, home of the Edsel, the 11.2 mpg SUV, and Joey Harrington. There lay the Lions, kings of the NFC North, who can score against you at will except when their offense is on the field. Facing conference leaders on their home turf, what chance could the underdog Panthers have?

One in a million, you say? So you're saying there's a chance. . .

In the first half, the Gary Kasparov of the gridiron, Jake Delhomme, was brilliant. Calling to mind the great Johnny U., with shades of Peyton Manning in any game that doesn't count, Delhomme threw touchdown after touchdown, to WR Rod Gardner, to LB Boss Bailey, to WR Steve Smith, to S Kenoy Kennedy! Unberrievaberr! At the end of the first half, it's 14-14 Panthers!

With an offense more in need of repair than the Oldsmobile line-up, Harrington led the Lions to all of two field goals in the second half. But for a city content to cripple their employers with bloated pension plans, six points seemed like it should be enough. And when Delhomme was taken out of the game by a questionable hit from Kenoy "Lone Gunman" Kennedy, the Panthers' fate seemed sealed. After all, who can replace a field general like Delhomme? Why, 2000 Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke! It's throwback time in the Superdome! The ageless Ricky Proehl is in at WR! Hogan slams Andre! Weinke's last seven passes are all to Ricky Proehl! We haven't seen this kind of chemistry since Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon! In the final minute--Weinke to Proehl! Touchdown! Panthers win! Panthers win!

Best post-game quote, as the Panthers head into a bye week and look ahead to playing Minnesota in two weeks:

Panthers CB Dante Wesley, on what he plans to do during his week off: "I'm not going near a lake."

Reader mail feature:

From Mike Y., in Cairo:
"Wouldn't all the teams in the NFL other than the 49ers be undefeated in Mexico; coming from Andover, I expect more of you than that."

I'm getting shit from a guy who once tried to impersonate an Australian by saying "Aaargh, matey!"? But, you're right Michael. Everybody except the 49ers and Dave's colon are undefeated in Mexico.

No update next week. But Smoot Dogg and the Vikes would have had their hands full anyway. How will they deal with a Panthers squad that's had an extra week to rest?

Until next time.

RROWRRRR!

Week 5: A History of Violence

I was in Chicago for the marathon this weekend, and met some friends out at a bar after the race. The worst part about being in Chicago is when you're forced to watch a Bears-Browns game on the big screen. The second worst part is getting into a cab back to my friend's place with a cabbie who is (i) a huge Bears fan and (ii) the most idiotic football fan I ever met. And this from a guy who admittedly knows only as much as he reads about the sport. Less than three minutes to go in the game, Bears down by two touchdowns, Kyle Orton throws an interception. "You see!" yelled my cabdriver, banging his steering wheel. "Dees ees why you don't trow de football in dis situation. You have to run de ball!" Re: college coaches making the jump to the NFL: "If dey asked me, I would say, I'm not going to sign until you get a franchise player. You need de good players to make de good team! See, dey don't tink about dat."

My friend is a Lions fan and the refs in that game were all but driving suspiciously new Fords the way they were penalizing the Ravens. I know that Ray Lewis is a de facto ESPN announcer, but when are people going to stop hailing him as this great leader and lay blame where blame is due--he's the reason this now-soft defense is just a bunch of poorly disciplined thugs. Why did they get so many penalties on Sunday? Well, let's see. . .their team captain was arraigned on a murder charge five years ago, and has the most egomaniacal, self-centered entrance in all of football (yet when T.O. calls him on it perfectly, _he's_ the bad guy).

But at least they're not the Vikes. Who are now embroiled in a brouhaha over an alleged incident involving several of their players, a boat, and "lewd acts" described by one colorful onlooker (and local news has a knack for finding the least educated, most colorful onlooker) as "girls taking their clothes off and doing some kinds of sex acts." My favorite part? Coach Mike Tice has acknowledged his team's lack of discipline by. . .bringing in two consultants.

Two consultants. Apparently, they needed outside help figuring out what was going wrong.

These are the pointers from the PowerPoint they prepared for the players.
1. There is no "I" in team.
2. Always give 120%.
3. Don't get your @#$% sucked on a boat in a lake where everybody can see you. I mean, seriously, what the @#%&?

On to the game. . .

Coming off of a blistering display of power and finesse against the Green Bay Packers, the Counts of Monte Blitzo, America's Team, your Carolina Panthers, traveled to the desert to face the mighty Arizona Cardinals, the only team in the entire league still undefeated in Mexico. For most of the first half, the two teams traded field goals and touchdowns in a brilliant display of human chess. The immortal John Kasay and the Sultan of Quick, Steve Smith, gave the Panthers the early leads, but after tying at 10 apiece, the Cardinals, more acclimated to the heat and the pervasive culture of suck, pulled away with two more scores, leading the Panthers 20-10 in the third.

But the Cats weren't done. Not by a longshot.

Late in the third, Cardinals QB Josh McCown threw a pass that was deflected by the most underrated signing of the '05 offseason, Panthers CB Ken Lucas (the same guy who deflected an end-zone pass earlier in the game!), and led to a Stephen Davis touchdown. Just like that, the Fearsome Felines were within 3! Next possession: 10 plays, 94 yards--in the final play, a determined Steve Smith wrestled the ball away from the Cardinals CB to take it into the endzone. Touchdown! Panthers! Game over!

Next week: Cat vs. Cat. Complete offense v. Complete offense. The Panthers meet the Lions.

Until next time.

RROWRRR!

Week 4: Into the Blue

I was in line at Macy’s buying socks, stuck behind one of those couples that continually find new and creative ways to gum up your basic cash-for-goods transaction. I’d been waiting a while, not terribly long but long enough. Just as my turn was coming up, I spied a wall rack of Calvin Klein boxer briefs on sale, the kind I’d considered buying for a while.
"Sir?" said a saleslady after I had moved out of line. "I can take you over here." I’m sure I looked the part of a customer irate with the length of the queue.
"That’s okay," I told her. "I’m just going to look at this for a while."
She registered an odd expression before moving onto the next customer. As I turned my attention back to the wall of bulging men’s crotches, I realized that I could have framed that more artfully. . .

On Saturday night, I went to a Washington Capitols exhibition game. For those of you who've never been to a hockey game, stare at the wall in front of you for a few minutes. Got it? Okay, it's like that, but more boring.

The best thing about the MCI Arena is that after a ref blows his whistle, and you're sitting there waiting through the break in the action, the scoreboard will say, in big-ass letters, "A PENALTY HAS BEEN CALLED." It's like watching a silent film.

Onto the game. . .

The legendary Brett Favre. The Green Bay Packers. Grown men wearing yellow packing foam on their heads. All traveled down to face the bright lights of Monday night in Charlotte, home of America's team, the 2003 NFC Champions, your Carolina Panthers! Favre, sporting his "I'm-cool-enough-to-wear-sideburns-the-size-of-potholders" look, led the opening drive. How effective were the Packers against the Growling Wall? First down: no gain on the run. Second down: incomplete pass. Third down: sack by DE Mike "It's the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch" Rucker! Delhomme to Mangum, Panthers up by a TD in two minutes! Capacity crowd on its feet, the terrible towels are out (or, as we call them in the Carolinas, "Rebel Rousers")!

Favre led the Packers on a scoring drive to tie it up. But the second quarter was all Tar Heel Terror Squad! 3 points by Kasay! A TD (and blocked point after) pass from Delhomme! Another touchdown! Meanwhile, on USA, Ric Flair has a guy who looks like Sideshow Bob in a figure-four! What a great night to be a Carolinian!

(best thing about Ericsson: hearing seventy thousand people shout "HOOOOOOOOOOV!" whenever RB Brad Hoover touches the ball)

By the beginning of the fourth, it was Carolina 32, GB 13. The brilliant John Fox, fearful of risking injury to his Magnificent Seven, wisely toned back the front pressure, giving Favre more time to throw and giving the Carolina secondary a chance to get in the game. A coach who wants to let his offense recuperate by keeping the other offense on the field? Genius. But a coach who rests the front half of his defense while they're on the field? Da Vinci. In the waning minutes, the Packers pulled to within a FG. But ultimately, they had to pack it in. A Brett Favre Monday night moment? Not in my town.

Closing thoughts: CB Ken Lucas (formerly of the Seahawks) may have been one of the best unheralded acquisitions of the offseason. Anyone who saw Robert Ferguson come down with the football while being covered by Lucas, only to have Lucas physically _rip_ it out of his hands for a pick before Ferguson had even taken his third step knows what I'm talking about.

Reader mail feature:

Brian B. in NYC writes:
"I don't mean to split hairs, but the panthers' 'clinic' in miami was, technically speaking, a loss. But don't listen to me. I'm bitter about the bills losing to the freaking saints."

How can you hate on the Saints? Haven't you bought into the NFL hype machine? Listen to Tom Jackson:
TJ: "Watching the Saints play reinvigorates the people of New Orleans, I think."

Yes, Tom. That and permanent housing.

Next week, the mighty Panthers continue their march to the Super Bowl through the red-breasted robins of Arizona.

Until next time.

RROWRRR!