Week 8: Vinny in Real Life
I had a physical two Fridays ago. It was with a new doctor. I change my doctor every year. Not that I ever have a problem with the doctors I get, I can just never remember whom I went to the previous time. So I use Mapquest to figure out the closest one and designate myself a new primary care provider.
I really should write things down more.
In some sense, though, I have to believe that for a doctor who does this day in and day out, giving me a physical must be kind of a treat. Like the special ed teacher who gets an honor student for tutoring.
“Do you have any allergies?” I was sitting on that loud crinkling paper like the last brownie on the tray as the new doc (“Brickie”) took my patient history. I was wearing some sort of tunic made out of hamburger wrappers.
“No.”
“Fatigue, shortness of breath?”
“Nope.”
“Depression, anxiety?”
“No.”
This was going swimmingly, I thought. I wished more women asked these types of questions on dates. So that it wasn't just me talking about it.
“Do you smoke?”
“Never.”
“Drink?”
“Socially.”
“Control your portion size?”
“Lady, I weigh a buck forty-nine!”
“Sorry,” she said, looking up. “It’s on the form.”
I don’t know the last time any of you had a checkup, but what’s amusing these days is how sensitive doctors are to a patient’s sense of privacy. I was lying back on the table as she checked my breathing. “Now I’m going to remove the gown from your arm,” she said reassuringly as she slid off the armhole, careful not to expose any more of my shoulder than necessary. No doubt these precautions were the fallout from the good ol’ days when doctors used to violently sodomize their patients. (Perhaps I should have told her I wore half as much most mornings anyway.)
Then she asked my permission to perform a testicular exam.
I’ll spare the female readership the details of what makes it so comical, but you can surmise for yourself by imagining if she took the same approach to cooking me dinner.
“I’m about to take your wine glass in my hand, is that okay?”
“Fine.”
“What I’m doing now is checking to see if it’s empty. Now, with my other hand, I’m going to lightly grip the wine bottle.”
“Sure, whatever.” I look straight ahead, strenuously avoiding any sort of eye contact.
“I’m going to now move the wine bottle closer to the glass and – ”
“Yes. Glass. Wine. Refill. Understood.”
Protracted silence until she’s finished with the wine glass.
“Now, in a second, I’m going to have you turn around so that I can examine your napkin holder. . .”
“Okay,” she said. She had finished, and was at the sink, washing her hands.
Okay what? “That’s it?” I asked. Immediately, I regretted it. I sounded like a perv.
“Is there anything else?” she asked.
“Well, one thing.” ‘1 in 5 people have herpes’ screamed the STD poster, ‘Flu season is approaching!’ screamed the wellness poster, ‘Can you spot the hidden picture?’ screamed the 2004 Highlights magazine. Doctors have a curious approach to decorating. Concerned antagonism. “You know, I’ve been thinking of going onto either Propecia or Rogaine.”
The paper towel stopped halfway along her hand, and she looked at me skeptically, the way one examines a piece of badly-dented furniture after being quoted an obscene price at a flea market.
“Are you noticing any hair loss?”
“Not really.”
She didn’t say anything. The beautiful ones are always dumb, she thought to herself.
“My understanding,” I said quickly, to fill in the silence, “is that these products are good for preventing hair loss, and that it’s best to start taking them before you actually start losing your hair.” I didn’t include that the sole source of this information was ‘The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch.’ I thought that might undercut my scientific credibility.
She wrote me a prescription with great reluctance. So I thought I should open it up to general discussion. Does anyone have an opinion about whether and when to take hair loss products?
Your answers will, of course, be weighted according to your level of actual hair loss. And/or insecurity.
Onto the game. . .
70,000 plus were rocking Bank of America last Sunday, some, institutional investors, bemoaning BoA’s exposure to mortgage-backed securities, but most there for the second chapter in The Greatest Football Story Ever Told, the resurrection of Vinny Testaverde! One of the most dominant teams in NFL history, America’s Team, YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS were playing host to Peyton Manning and the Colts in what was widely regarded as a Super Bowl preview.
Tapped by Coach Fox to start ahead of backup QB David Carr, the King of Kings led the Panthers on the greatest opening drive in Carolina history! 18 plays spanning 11 minutes! WWVTD? Seven run plays, eleven pass plays, and the Lamb of Jerry Richardson put the Panthers up 7-0!
On the other side of the ball, Peyton Manning’s offense proved about as substantive as a FEMA press conference. The first half was a tale of domination, printed on parchment of pain. The Panthers controlled the ball for more than 22 minutes of the first half. The Colts, stumbling worse than Hilary Clinton on immigration issues, managed just 3 points in their first five drives. Manning failed to convert a third down in the first half, and completed fewer than 50 percent of his passes all game.
Having had his way with the Colts, what did Coach Fox do in the second half? There was protracted debate last week as to whether the Pats ran up the score on the Redskins. Personally, I don’t think that just because a team’s offense and defense are hopelessly ineffective that the opposing coach is obligated to throw out his entire pass playbook, signal to the other team to stack 8 men in the box, play Marty-ball for more than a quarter and give the lesser team more chances to get back in the game.
But that’s why John Fox is an NFL coach and I’m just a handsome Internet journalist and bounty hunter. Why tip more of your playbook and risk your key players to a team you may end up defeating in the Super Bowl? Fox wisely pulled Testaverde early in the third (right around the time that he reaggravated an Achilles injury for our sins). Fox then had to decide between going with the stalagmitic David Carr or undrafted rookie Matt Moore, which is akin to being trapped on a desert island with a choice of Joel Osteen or Tony Little as your sole companion.
But consider Fox’s genius. Looking ahead to this weekend’s matchup with the Patriots, Fox knew that sending a demoralized Colts team to next week’s matchup would almost certainly result in a New England victory. On the other hand, sending in a team feeling good about themselves might result in a squad he knew how to beat facing the Panthers in the Super Bowl. Thanks to Fox’s brilliance, the Colts were handed a meaningless victory against the Panthers’ B team in garbage time, final score 31-7.
Random quote
Just when Favrelove couldn’t become any more insipid, along comes booth-chemistry-murdering Emmitt Smith with this insightful commentary after the Packers’ MNF overtime win over the Broncos:
“That’s why Brett Favre (dramatically pausing on each word, ESPN-commentator-style) is the_best_quarterback_in_football_today. Sure, Brady and Manning may have all of the statistics and numbers. . .”
Until next time.
RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I really should write things down more.
In some sense, though, I have to believe that for a doctor who does this day in and day out, giving me a physical must be kind of a treat. Like the special ed teacher who gets an honor student for tutoring.
“Do you have any allergies?” I was sitting on that loud crinkling paper like the last brownie on the tray as the new doc (“Brickie”) took my patient history. I was wearing some sort of tunic made out of hamburger wrappers.
“No.”
“Fatigue, shortness of breath?”
“Nope.”
“Depression, anxiety?”
“No.”
This was going swimmingly, I thought. I wished more women asked these types of questions on dates. So that it wasn't just me talking about it.
“Do you smoke?”
“Never.”
“Drink?”
“Socially.”
“Control your portion size?”
“Lady, I weigh a buck forty-nine!”
“Sorry,” she said, looking up. “It’s on the form.”
I don’t know the last time any of you had a checkup, but what’s amusing these days is how sensitive doctors are to a patient’s sense of privacy. I was lying back on the table as she checked my breathing. “Now I’m going to remove the gown from your arm,” she said reassuringly as she slid off the armhole, careful not to expose any more of my shoulder than necessary. No doubt these precautions were the fallout from the good ol’ days when doctors used to violently sodomize their patients. (Perhaps I should have told her I wore half as much most mornings anyway.)
Then she asked my permission to perform a testicular exam.
I’ll spare the female readership the details of what makes it so comical, but you can surmise for yourself by imagining if she took the same approach to cooking me dinner.
“I’m about to take your wine glass in my hand, is that okay?”
“Fine.”
“What I’m doing now is checking to see if it’s empty. Now, with my other hand, I’m going to lightly grip the wine bottle.”
“Sure, whatever.” I look straight ahead, strenuously avoiding any sort of eye contact.
“I’m going to now move the wine bottle closer to the glass and – ”
“Yes. Glass. Wine. Refill. Understood.”
Protracted silence until she’s finished with the wine glass.
“Now, in a second, I’m going to have you turn around so that I can examine your napkin holder. . .”
“Okay,” she said. She had finished, and was at the sink, washing her hands.
Okay what? “That’s it?” I asked. Immediately, I regretted it. I sounded like a perv.
“Is there anything else?” she asked.
“Well, one thing.” ‘1 in 5 people have herpes’ screamed the STD poster, ‘Flu season is approaching!’ screamed the wellness poster, ‘Can you spot the hidden picture?’ screamed the 2004 Highlights magazine. Doctors have a curious approach to decorating. Concerned antagonism. “You know, I’ve been thinking of going onto either Propecia or Rogaine.”
The paper towel stopped halfway along her hand, and she looked at me skeptically, the way one examines a piece of badly-dented furniture after being quoted an obscene price at a flea market.
“Are you noticing any hair loss?”
“Not really.”
She didn’t say anything. The beautiful ones are always dumb, she thought to herself.
“My understanding,” I said quickly, to fill in the silence, “is that these products are good for preventing hair loss, and that it’s best to start taking them before you actually start losing your hair.” I didn’t include that the sole source of this information was ‘The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch.’ I thought that might undercut my scientific credibility.
She wrote me a prescription with great reluctance. So I thought I should open it up to general discussion. Does anyone have an opinion about whether and when to take hair loss products?
Your answers will, of course, be weighted according to your level of actual hair loss. And/or insecurity.
Onto the game. . .
70,000 plus were rocking Bank of America last Sunday, some, institutional investors, bemoaning BoA’s exposure to mortgage-backed securities, but most there for the second chapter in The Greatest Football Story Ever Told, the resurrection of Vinny Testaverde! One of the most dominant teams in NFL history, America’s Team, YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS were playing host to Peyton Manning and the Colts in what was widely regarded as a Super Bowl preview.
Tapped by Coach Fox to start ahead of backup QB David Carr, the King of Kings led the Panthers on the greatest opening drive in Carolina history! 18 plays spanning 11 minutes! WWVTD? Seven run plays, eleven pass plays, and the Lamb of Jerry Richardson put the Panthers up 7-0!
On the other side of the ball, Peyton Manning’s offense proved about as substantive as a FEMA press conference. The first half was a tale of domination, printed on parchment of pain. The Panthers controlled the ball for more than 22 minutes of the first half. The Colts, stumbling worse than Hilary Clinton on immigration issues, managed just 3 points in their first five drives. Manning failed to convert a third down in the first half, and completed fewer than 50 percent of his passes all game.
Having had his way with the Colts, what did Coach Fox do in the second half? There was protracted debate last week as to whether the Pats ran up the score on the Redskins. Personally, I don’t think that just because a team’s offense and defense are hopelessly ineffective that the opposing coach is obligated to throw out his entire pass playbook, signal to the other team to stack 8 men in the box, play Marty-ball for more than a quarter and give the lesser team more chances to get back in the game.
But that’s why John Fox is an NFL coach and I’m just a handsome Internet journalist and bounty hunter. Why tip more of your playbook and risk your key players to a team you may end up defeating in the Super Bowl? Fox wisely pulled Testaverde early in the third (right around the time that he reaggravated an Achilles injury for our sins). Fox then had to decide between going with the stalagmitic David Carr or undrafted rookie Matt Moore, which is akin to being trapped on a desert island with a choice of Joel Osteen or Tony Little as your sole companion.
But consider Fox’s genius. Looking ahead to this weekend’s matchup with the Patriots, Fox knew that sending a demoralized Colts team to next week’s matchup would almost certainly result in a New England victory. On the other hand, sending in a team feeling good about themselves might result in a squad he knew how to beat facing the Panthers in the Super Bowl. Thanks to Fox’s brilliance, the Colts were handed a meaningless victory against the Panthers’ B team in garbage time, final score 31-7.
Random quote
Just when Favrelove couldn’t become any more insipid, along comes booth-chemistry-murdering Emmitt Smith with this insightful commentary after the Packers’ MNF overtime win over the Broncos:
“That’s why Brett Favre (dramatically pausing on each word, ESPN-commentator-style) is the_best_quarterback_in_football_today. Sure, Brady and Manning may have all of the statistics and numbers. . .”
Until next time.
RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Labels: Carolina, Delhomme, FEMA, football, highlights, Manning, NFC, NFL, Panthers, Peyton, Steve Smith, Super Bowl, Testaverde
posted by Panther fan at 5:55 PM
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