Week 1: Shoot 'Em Up

Excerpts of the new Osama bin Laden tape were released by ABC News last Friday. Among other things, he:

- takes to task the economic crisis precipitated by mortgage-backed securities

- faults the Democrats for failing to follow through on their mandate to end the Iraq War

- blames corporations for accelerating global warming

- urges a swift and immediate draw down of U.S. troops in Iraq

Already, he has a more comprehensive platform than Fred Thompson. He ends his tape by offering America two options: either a fight to the death, or the payment of a zakaat (an alternative tax permitted by the Koran to subjugated peoples who choose not to convert) of about 2.5 percent. That’s considerably better than Mike Huckabee’s proposed 23 percent national sales tax. Lower taxes, greater oversight of the rating agencies that deepened the current economic crisis, a reduced international presence – bin Laden is repositioning himself as a libertarian. He’s weighed in on every major national issue short of the AL wild card race (“The hell-bound Israelite Steinbrenner should not expect to lock up a playoff berth by overspending on flaky pitching and trading Sheffield!”). He should start a website to answer readers’ questions. osamabinbloggin.

The release of the tape is made more controversial by the timing. bin Laden is releasing the tape on September 11^th. The symbolism is obvious. As everyone knows, September 11th the same day that Kanye West, 50 Cent, and Kenny Chesney are releasing new albums. Some say he risks splitting his audience. But the video is already in heavy rotation on Tora Bora Request Live.

On to the game. . .

Let’s go back to the end of last season. When we left off, Jake Delhomme was still the starting quarterback, having consistently posted a QB rating in the mid-80s over the past three years. Amidst all of the Super Bowl hype heading into last season, I had said that we were just one Delhomme injury away from Chris Weinke at quarterback. Sure enough, an uneven Jake, hounded by calls for the bench from the Charlotte press, went down with an injury, and Weinke took over. Carolina fans actually began talking themselves into this being an improvement. 1-15 Weinke? Are you kidding me?! He stunk. He stunk so bad that Coach Fox started taking him out of certain possessions and direct snapping to RB DeShaun Foster. And DeShaun’s not a passing RB like Kordell Stewart was; Weinke was so bad that Fox was telling the other team, Listen, I am going to take the ball, I am going to hand the ball to DeShaun, and DeShaun is going to run the ball, and that’s about as complicated as this play is going to get. In fact, part of me remains convinced that Jake, looking a little too healthy with a little too obvious of a smirk on his face, sat out one game longer than he needed to, as if to say to the fans, “This is what you wanted, remember – a QB who can’t connect with a bottle of Propecia much less the most explosive receiver in the entire NFL.”

So, we fixed the problem by picking up David Carr in the offseason. David Carr, the most sacked QB in NFL, who spent more time on his back in Houston than Anna Nicole Smith. This was supposed to spark some sort of competition between the two? That’s like making Paris Lindsay’s rehab counselor. Remember, we could have taken Brady Quinn (first round pick: WR Dwayne Jarrett (USC)). We’ll see this season whether we made the right choice. But here’s a troubling sign: Dwayne Jarrett was # 5 on the depth chart for Sunday. Five. That puts him behind the kick return guy, the Panthers’ other first-round WR draft bust, Keary Colbert, and the guy who runs out with the gay Panthers flag before kickoff. The #5 guy on the depth chart has to pay for his own parking at games.

Offensive line: for all of the criticism heaped on Jake, part of his problem was that his offensive line kept collapsing around him. The organization was supposed to remedy that during the offseason, but it certainly didn’t look that much better during the preseason. Honestly, did anyone see Game 3? British sailors in Iranian waters showed stiffer resistance.

Defense: we have no safeties. Literally, there is nothing plugging the middle of the field for us. Mike Minter retired, Shaun Williams and Colin Branch were released, and Nate Salley was injured. Anyone who throws deep on the Panthers will score.

After finishing the preseason 1-3, the big question heading into the first game of the season was:

Will we go 10-6? Or 6-10?

Ever since Kurt Warner and his man-alien advisor left town in disgrace, St. Louians have vested all of their national title delusions in Marc Bulger the way some cling too desperately to the first nice guy after an abusive relationship. Armed with Tory Holt, Isaac Bruce, Drew Bennett, and 2,000+ yard RB Steven Jackson, the Rams offense was expected to be one of the most formidable in the NFC.

But there are three things you never invite into your house. Vampires, Chris Benoit carrying a stack of Bibles. . .and YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS!

The Growling Wall returned in force on the sturdy legs of the indestructible LB “Steely” Dan Morgan! Oft-concussed, never nonplussed, Morgan anchored a Big Cat D that held the over-hyped Jackson to just 58 yards rushing. (Jackson, you may recall, chose not to play in any preseason games, opting instead to suck when it counted.)

The fastest wide receivers in the league were supposed to run all over Carolina, yet the Horsemen of God’s Country, Carolina’s safety unit, were spectacular, one of those inexplicable things like how the Patriots play at Gillette Stadium yet are never clean-shaven. Harris and Cooper forced a fumble apiece, and Bulger was never allowed a completion longer than 18 yards!

As for the offense, RBs Foster and DeAngelo Williams racked up a total of 186 yards rushing, albeit against last year’s 31^st-ranked rush defense. But lost among the boos raining lustily through Edward James Stadium in the fourth was the second coming of Joe Montana: the General, Jake Delhomme, finished with a 125.7 QB rating! By way of comparison, Peyton Manning rang up a 125.4 in the Colts’ much ballyhooed thrashing of New Orleans in the season opener, and Chris Weinke rang up $3.12 in change for a customer at Bojangle’s.

Coach John Fox racked up his 50^th win as Panthers coach, and the Tar Heel Terror Squad climbed to their rightful place atop the NFC South, with Atlanta, New Orleans, and Tampa tied at 0-1.

Next week – Carolina goes up against “Super” Mario and a revitalized Houston Texans franchise looking quite capable ever since they picked up Matt Schaub to replace the worthless – uh, never mind.

Quotes:

“You can’t give a testimony without going through a test.” -- Steven Jackson

“You know, people who talk don’t really have much to talk about.” -- Steve Smith

P.S. Anyone who thinks I’m letting the Falcons and Joe Theismann off the hook for the Michael Vick situation, just wait until Week 3. I’ve been waiting all summer for this. . .

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

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