Week 11: No Pocket for Old Men

Last week, I made two predictions. Panthers 16, Packers 3 was the first. Yale 34, Harvard 20 was the second.

Let’s start with The Game. I thought Yale, as it had all (perfect) season, would ride phenom RB Mike McLeod to victory. In breaking down the game, I’d even said:

“Wide receivers: Who cares?! We have Mike McLeod!”


Apparently, someone at Harvard saw it the same way. The Cantabs stacked the box against the run, forcing Yale to rely on its passing game. QB Matt Polhemus was brilliant, connecting with a variety of receivers, regrettably many of them Harvard defenders. Harvard crushed Yale, 37-6.

My friend Katie emailed me about it later:

“Btw, did you cry when Harvard spanked Yale?”

My response:

“FIRST OF ALL, the game was much closer than the 37-0 score in the third would make it appear. Second of all, you shut up.”

Onto the game. . .

Although the Panthers had Vinny Testaverde steering its high-powered offense, the team was without WR Steve Smith (officially out with a shin injury; unofficially out researching workplace violence best practices). It was like being given Buckingham Palace without any electricity.

Green Bay scored its first touchdown off of a trick play. . .a Carolina trick play. “Leg of God” K John Kasay lined up for a fake FG, then punted it to obtain better field position. Green Bay ran it back 94 yards for a touchdown. Why didn’t it work? Maybe it was because the Packers had seen Carolina do it the previous week against Tennessee. Or maybe because Carolina only had ten men on the field. (Speaking of which, kudos to H Jason Baker. Holders have three responsibilities: call the ready for the snap, hold the ball, and make sure you have 11 men on the field. 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Enjoy the CFL.)


The Packers went up 28-3 in the third. But talk about Testacular fortitude! Vinny led the Panthers right back into it, connecting with WR Drew Carter, Packers CB Charles Woodson, and TE Christian Fauria to put up two more scores. Ultimately, Packers squeaked by, 31-17.

In light of these disturbing results, I decided to go back and look at some of the other predictions I’ve made this year. Among them:

“If the Yankees should have blown the bank on anyone before the trade deadline, it’s Eric Gagne.”

“Liberals who claim that military autocrats cannot coexist with a fair and democratic society need look no further than Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf.”

“You can’t say enough about the brilliance of the major banks in pooling mortgage-backed securities in a way that virtually eliminates the risk for the average investor! With Moody’s and S&P as watchdogs, the system’s built-in safeguards are foolproof!”

“Once Congress and the American public become aware of the fact that we torture people in our custody, there will be riots in the streets. Performers who may be on tour at the time, such as Miley Cyrus, will be lucky to generate any sort of interest."


“David Chase has had nine years to think about an ending for The Sopranos, so you know it’s going to be phenomenal!”

“Every network that passed on the opportunity to run a surefire hit like ‘Cavemen’ will be kicking themselves come sweeps week.”

“If we want to bring our troops out of Iraq soon, we need a third party like moveon.org to begin a public education campaign.”

Random quote:

“Late in the third quarter, Testaverde threw a 2-yd pass to TE Christian Fauria, who launched into an enthusiastic end-zone celebration with his team trailing by three scores.”

- AP coverage of the Packers-Panthers game

Next week: America’s Team meets a struggling Saints team. Winner stays in the race with the Bucs for a playoff spot, loser starts looking ahead to next season.

Prediction: Pan – Actually. Just to be safe, New Orleans 24, Carolina 17.

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Week 8: Vinny in Real Life

I had a physical two Fridays ago. It was with a new doctor. I change my doctor every year. Not that I ever have a problem with the doctors I get, I can just never remember whom I went to the previous time. So I use Mapquest to figure out the closest one and designate myself a new primary care provider.

I really should write things down more.

In some sense, though, I have to believe that for a doctor who does this day in and day out, giving me a physical must be kind of a treat. Like the special ed teacher who gets an honor student for tutoring.

“Do you have any allergies?” I was sitting on that loud crinkling paper like the last brownie on the tray as the new doc (“Brickie”) took my patient history. I was wearing some sort of tunic made out of hamburger wrappers.

“No.”

“Fatigue, shortness of breath?”

“Nope.”

“Depression, anxiety?”

“No.”

This was going swimmingly, I thought. I wished more women asked these types of questions on dates. So that it wasn't just me talking about it.

“Do you smoke?”

“Never.”

“Drink?”

“Socially.”

“Control your portion size?”

“Lady, I weigh a buck forty-nine!”

“Sorry,” she said, looking up. “It’s on the form.”

I don’t know the last time any of you had a checkup, but what’s amusing these days is how sensitive doctors are to a patient’s sense of privacy. I was lying back on the table as she checked my breathing. “Now I’m going to remove the gown from your arm,” she said reassuringly as she slid off the armhole, careful not to expose any more of my shoulder than necessary. No doubt these precautions were the fallout from the good ol’ days when doctors used to violently sodomize their patients. (Perhaps I should have told her I wore half as much most mornings anyway.)

Then she asked my permission to perform a testicular exam.

I’ll spare the female readership the details of what makes it so comical, but you can surmise for yourself by imagining if she took the same approach to cooking me dinner.

“I’m about to take your wine glass in my hand, is that okay?”

“Fine.”

“What I’m doing now is checking to see if it’s empty. Now, with my other hand, I’m going to lightly grip the wine bottle.”

“Sure, whatever.” I look straight ahead, strenuously avoiding any sort of eye contact.

“I’m going to now move the wine bottle closer to the glass and – ”

“Yes. Glass. Wine. Refill. Understood.”

Protracted silence until she’s finished with the wine glass.

“Now, in a second, I’m going to have you turn around so that I can examine your napkin holder. . .”

“Okay,” she said. She had finished, and was at the sink, washing her hands.

Okay what? “That’s it?” I asked. Immediately, I regretted it. I sounded like a perv.

“Is there anything else?” she asked.

“Well, one thing.” ‘1 in 5 people have herpes’ screamed the STD poster, ‘Flu season is approaching!’ screamed the wellness poster, ‘Can you spot the hidden picture?’ screamed the 2004 Highlights magazine. Doctors have a curious approach to decorating. Concerned antagonism. “You know, I’ve been thinking of going onto either Propecia or Rogaine.”

The paper towel stopped halfway along her hand, and she looked at me skeptically, the way one examines a piece of badly-dented furniture after being quoted an obscene price at a flea market.

“Are you noticing any hair loss?”

“Not really.”

She didn’t say anything. The beautiful ones are always dumb, she thought to herself.

“My understanding,” I said quickly, to fill in the silence, “is that these products are good for preventing hair loss, and that it’s best to start taking them before you actually start losing your hair.” I didn’t include that the sole source of this information was ‘The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch.’ I thought that might undercut my scientific credibility.

She wrote me a prescription with great reluctance. So I thought I should open it up to general discussion. Does anyone have an opinion about whether and when to take hair loss products?

Your answers will, of course, be weighted according to your level of actual hair loss. And/or insecurity.

Onto the game. . .

70,000 plus were rocking Bank of America last Sunday, some, institutional investors, bemoaning BoA’s exposure to mortgage-backed securities, but most there for the second chapter in The Greatest Football Story Ever Told, the resurrection of Vinny Testaverde! One of the most dominant teams in NFL history, America’s Team, YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS were playing host to Peyton Manning and the Colts in what was widely regarded as a Super Bowl preview.

Tapped by Coach Fox to start ahead of backup QB David Carr, the King of Kings led the Panthers on the greatest opening drive in Carolina history! 18 plays spanning 11 minutes! WWVTD? Seven run plays, eleven pass plays, and the Lamb of Jerry Richardson put the Panthers up 7-0!


On the other side of the ball, Peyton Manning’s offense proved about as substantive as a FEMA press conference. The first half was a tale of domination, printed on parchment of pain. The Panthers controlled the ball for more than 22 minutes of the first half. The Colts, stumbling worse than Hilary Clinton on immigration issues, managed just 3 points in their first five drives. Manning failed to convert a third down in the first half, and completed fewer than 50 percent of his passes all game.

Having had his way with the Colts, what did Coach Fox do in the second half? There was protracted debate last week as to whether the Pats ran up the score on the Redskins. Personally, I don’t think that just because a team’s offense and defense are hopelessly ineffective that the opposing coach is obligated to throw out his entire pass playbook, signal to the other team to stack 8 men in the box, play Marty-ball for more than a quarter and give the lesser team more chances to get back in the game.

But that’s why John Fox is an NFL coach and I’m just a handsome Internet journalist and bounty hunter. Why tip more of your playbook and risk your key players to a team you may end up defeating in the Super Bowl? Fox wisely pulled Testaverde early in the third (right around the time that he reaggravated an Achilles injury for our sins). Fox then had to decide between going with the stalagmitic David Carr or undrafted rookie Matt Moore, which is akin to being trapped on a desert island with a choice of Joel Osteen or Tony Little as your sole companion.


But consider Fox’s genius. Looking ahead to this weekend’s matchup with the Patriots, Fox knew that sending a demoralized Colts team to next week’s matchup would almost certainly result in a New England victory. On the other hand, sending in a team feeling good about themselves might result in a squad he knew how to beat facing the Panthers in the Super Bowl. Thanks to Fox’s brilliance, the Colts were handed a meaningless victory against the Panthers’ B team in garbage time, final score 31-7.

Random quote

Just when Favrelove couldn’t become any more insipid, along comes booth-chemistry-murdering Emmitt Smith with this insightful commentary after the Packers’ MNF overtime win over the Broncos:

“That’s why Brett Favre (dramatically pausing on each word, ESPN-commentator-style) is the_best_quarterback_in_football_today. Sure, Brady and Manning may have all of the statistics and numbers. . .”

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Week 7: Bye

Week 6: We Own the Night

Onto the game. . .

Google = Skynet. I’ve been saying that for years. As soon as you hear about Google getting into robotics, start stocking up on canned goods.

But no complicated search strings were needed to find the solution to YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS’ most dire problem last week. QB Jake Delhomme – out for the season with a bad elbow. Backup QB David Carr – out with a sore back. Panthers don’t make excuses; they make excsolutions.

Enter Vinny Testaverde.

Testaveritas: the year Vinny was born (1963), the 5-digit zip code was implemented by the Post Office (Jul. 1), Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his “I Have a Dream” speech (Aug. 28), CBS Evening News lengthened the standard 15-minute nightly news broadcast to an unprecedented half hour (Sep. 02), and the term “Beatlemania” was coined by the British press (Oct. 14).

Rejecting an offer from Arizona last Monday, signing with Carolina on Tuesday, and appearing in Charlotte for a physical on Wednesday, Testaverde literally ran onto the field in the middle of a play and began taking snaps with the offense. By Sunday, he’d only had three full practices with Carolina, yet still managed to learn more of the offensive playbook than Dwayne “The Phantom” Jarrett has all season.

But if this was going to be the Testaverde show, it’s soundtrack would be the ululations of a beaten desert people. A smothering Big Cat D set the tone in Arizona’s first three possessions, generating two sacks and two recovered fumbles and sending Kurt Warner out of the game with an injury.

Meanwhile, like a modern-day Dorian Gray, Vinny Testaverde continued to swim upstream against the seas of time, his elixir of immortality engineering drive after drive deep into Arizona territory. Capping them off with field goals from the Last of the Original Panthers, K John Kasay (combined age = 80), the Panthers led 9-7 in the third!

Testaveritas: 1989: Vinny wins Heisman. 1989: rookie receiver Dwayne Jarrett is born. (First volitional act after being born? He sucked.)

But playing in front of their home crowd, the Cardinals kept it close. I don't know which is more annoying: Boston sports fans who assume everyone is rooting for the Red Sox during the playoffs because the second-highest payroll in the league is still the perpetual "underdog," or Boston sports fans who assume that the world is rooting against the Patriots because their coach was legitimately caught illegally filming the opposition's playcalling. Certainly none are as inspiring or easy on the eyes as the women of Maricopa County.

Neil Rackers puts them ahead 10-9, followed by a rare miss from Mr. Automatic! John Kasay, who for years has been one of the scariest kickers in the league (scary because of his accuracy, not scary like Cowboys K Nick Folk, who looks like he tortures small animals), goes long on the go-ahead FG, and the Cardinals look to close it out!

Testaveritas: Prior to this year, Vinny had attempted 6,529 passes in the NFL. Number of passes attempted in history of Carolina franchise: 6,379.

But Testarrific wasn’t done. Exemplifying the Japanese philosophy of jinba
ittai (horse and rider as one), the gridiron’s Ponce de Leon threw a rainbow ahead of WR Steve Smith streaking up the sideline past single coverage. Steve Smith’s whistle tips go whoo! whoo! Touchdown, Panthers! Carolina up 15-10 (missed 2-pt conv.)!

CB Ken Lucas intercepted Rattay again, leading to another Kasay FG to put the Panthers up 18-10. Coach Fox finally replaced DeShaun Foster’s bloodhound-like ability to find the closest defenders with the more versatile outside runner DeAngelo Williams, who ran 10-for-121 and a game-closing TD. Jinba Ittai!

Testaverdict: Panthers win! And a win by the Bucs puts these heated rivals tied at 4-2 atop the NFC South!

Random quotes:

“I’m still meeting guys. I’ll probably take a media guide next week, look over our roster and try to figure out who everyone is.”

- Vinny Testaverde, on not knowing the names of most of his teammates

“Hey, where’s Joe?”

- Jimmy Kimmel on the set of “Monday Night Football.” Altogether now, one, two three: screw you, Theismann! Screw you!


Next week: Bye. Week following: Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts. Who will start, Carr or Testaverde?

Look, I’m no Paul Zimmerman. I’m not even Emmitt Smith, whose commentary style can fall disconcertingly between Dusty Rhodes and a gay man. But all I hear is that guys like Testaverde and Garcia are temporary fixes that need to be replaced as quickly as possible, because the commentators are locked into pre-scripted positions that these guys are too old. But if you have an O-line that can buy them a few extra seconds, wouldn’t you prefer to put the ball in the hands of a more accurate thrower than a backup whose release can be out-hustled by condensation dripping off a Popsicle?

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Week 5: The Heartbreak Kid

The kitchen at work is something of a conversational deathtrap. Small talk
invariably revolves around what food you’re eating, what food you just ate,
what food you plan to eat later, or what kind of food could have possibly
created that smell, and which of our colleagues is most likely the culprit.

I was standing in the kitchen, heating up some lunch, when a paralegal whose
name I actually know (“Loughran,” or “Lough” (pronounced “lock”) for short)
walked in with a bag from Moe’s. Moe’s is to Chipotle what Pepe Lopez is to
Jose Cuervo.

“Hey Lough!” I said. By using his name, I hoped to convey the camaraderie
between attorneys and staff. “What’s for lunch?”

We both looked down at the word “Moe’s” in big letters on his bag before he
looked back up at me. “Moe’s.”

“Ah,” I said wisely. And then, to make it even more profound, nodded my
head slightly.

“You?”

“Oh, just something I made in the crockpot on Sunday.” I saw where this
conversation was going, and felt the stirrings of uneasiness I get when new
people start asking me where I went to school.

“Oh yeah? What?”

“Beef bourguignon.” I didn’t like the way it sounded by itself. I felt
compelled to back away from the bourgeois element. “It’s just beef slowly
simmered in red wine.” And then, stumbling forward, “You should try it
sometime.” I had gone from exchanging recipes to issuing colonial edicts.

Lough, gathering together plastic utensils and napkins, looked over at me.
“Isn’t pretty much everything you make in a crockpot slowly simmered in
something else?”

***

I’d had conversational misfires with him before. I ran into him in the
hallway the week before Christmas. This was shortly after the attorneys had
been notified that we would receive bonuses in excess of fifty thousand
dollars.

“So, Lough,” I said. I weighed slugging him in the arm with fraternal
affection but changed my mind halfway, dodging his arm entirely and bringing
my fist back towards my other shoulder in a bizarrely threatening manner.

He stared, waiting for me to go on. Meanwhile, I looked as though I had
just drawn an invisible cape around my shoulders.

“Heard you guys got some gift certificates?” I couldn’t remember whether
gift certificates were considered tacky, and ended up saying the words too
delicately, as though asking whether he’d received the food stamps I’d left
on his chair.

He nodded. “Two hundred bucks on Amazon.”

I smiled and nodded. He stared at me. I’m not sure what more I was
expecting. Eventually, I realized no heartfelt thanks were forthcoming.

There’s a pressing need in this city to end all casual interactions with a
pithy conversational coda, a humorous yet uplifting observation or
suggestion that allows both parties to bring their light-hearted interaction
to a satisfying close and move on with their lives. We were stuck, standing
in each other’s way in the hallway, waiting for one.

Finally one came to me. “Well,” I said brightly, “at least it’s better than
nothing.”

“Is it really?” he asked.

Onto the game. . .

Like FEMA relief, the Saints came to New Orleans loaded with resources,
bringing the beleaguered city and its residents hope and the promise of
revitalization. Instead, as time wore on, they failed to live up to
expectations, profoundly disappointing Orleaners with their failure to make
any noticeable progress

At 0-4, they were looking for redemption. Standing in their way: YOUR
CAROLINA PANTHERS!

The Big Cat D demoralized the Saints. Rookie sensation LB Jon Beason,
starting in place of the ubiquitously-injured Dan Morgan, squashed Reggie
Bush’s inside lanes. The bruising 0-0 tie was broken in the first quarter
when a pass from Brees was intercepted by CB Richard Marshall! In a game
that favors youth, some things only get better with age, and “Leg of God” K
John Kasay put the Panthers up by a field goal. 3-0, Panthers!

The Saints came back to tie it up 3-3 when QB David Carr nearly had his back
broken during a sack. “It was by far the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my
life,” Carr would say later. “Every bone in my back popped all the way up
to my neck. . . .I didn’t know, honestly, if I’d ever play again.” Carr was
taken off the field in a cart. They had the technology. They could fix
him. But with Delhomme still injured, his replacement would be. . .Matt
Moore!

Who the hell is Matt Moore?

Well, according to analyst Ron Jaworski during this year’s draft, Matt Moore
was the “best quarterback prospect after JaMarcus Russell, Brady Quinn, and
Trent Edwards.” (Which is a little like being “the most popular character
on ‘CSI’” after the pudgy-faced dude, the hot older chick, the
mannish-yet-weirdly-sexy younger chick, and the black dude.)

His first pass: a 43-yarder to WR Keary Colbert! Matt Moore is the second
coming of Johnny Unitas! The South will rise again! His second pass was
nearly intercepted. Still, 1-2 ain’t bad. Another Kasay field goal, 6-3
Panthers!

The critics have been saying, where is Julius Peppers? Know this: no one
has a greater physical _or_ psychological impact on the game. His mere
presence on the defensive line negated a Saints touchdown when he terrified
an offensive lineman out of position before the snap. The Saints’ 10:20
minute, 19-play, 67-yard drive was limited to a tying Olindo Mare field goal
before the half.

And now, we take a short break to play, "Where In the World is Dwayne 'The
Phantom' Jarrett?" The second-round draft choice/bust was once again
inactive.

a. As a USC alum, experiencing enormous setbacks learning i. to read and
ii. pay his bills without improper donations from would-be agents. Ooh. .
.too soon?
b. Trying to prevent Jack and Kate from leaving the island
c. Searching for the 'real robber' who made off with OJ's paraphernalia in
Vegas
d. Carpooling with Joe Paterno

In the third quarter, the Saints pulled ahead by a TD. But ask not whom
Julius Peppers defends; he defends thee! Peppers blocks an Olindo Mare
field goal, and the ball is recovered by Richard Marshall and taken to the
Panther 15! We are Richard Marshall! Carr to WR Steve Smith, touchdown,
tied ballgame with 10:11 to play!

In the final ten minutes, the two teams would intercept one another on the
same drive, and Olindo Mare would miss a 54-yd field goal. With three
seconds to play, at the New Orleans 35, with the game on the line, there’s
only one person you can rely upon. The Last of the Original Panthers. FG
by Kasay is good! Panthers win, and tie with the Bucs for the NFC South
crown!

But grave news for America’s Team. Delhomme opted for season-ending elbow
surgery this week, and Carr’s back has kept him from practicing with the
team, leaving Moore the only healthy quarterback on the Carolina squad.

Who could they pick up as backup? Well, there’s Jake Plummer (no chance),
Tim Rattay (doesn’t every team have to sign Tim Rattay at some point? isn’
t it part of getting a new stadium deal?), Marquis Tuiasosopo (because all
other things being equal, always trade for the person who name could most
easily be a hilarious Pixar villain), Aaron Brooks (currently working as
mall security), Tim Couch (purely as a prank call to later post on
panthers.com), Ken Dorsey (will play for a sandwich), or Andrew Walter (a
bad decision that some team will inevitably talk itself into, like throwback
jerseys).

Instead, we got. . .Vinny Testaverde! At 43 years young! And, with Carr
unable to practice, he may very well start against Kurt Warner in Arizona
this weekend. Some things only get better with age.

Reader mail:

From Kelly H., from somewhere in the 80s:

“The Liesl story is classic - secretly, I think you just didn't want to make
conversation with with a beer company rep.

‘So, uh, love the keg can.’
‘Thanks - I'll never figure out how they miniaturize all those kegs. It
must be really hard. I like string.’”

Random quote:

From a WashPost review of The Pug (short for The Pugilist), a boxing-themed
bar on Capitol Hill:

“[Owner Tony] Tomelden had planned on a jukebox, but after years of
listening to tipsy congressional staffers play '80s rock and hair metal at
Capitol Lounge, he decided he'd rather set up playlists on his laptop.
‘Hearing U2 once a week is cool,’ he explains. ‘Hearing them nine times a
night is not. And never hearing Jon Bon Jovi is awesome.’”

This weekend: Vinny Testaverdede. Kurt Warner. NFL 2007!

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

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