S Sean Taylor Dead at 24

Safety Sean Taylor of the Washington Redskins died at approximately 3:30 am this morning of gunshot wounds.

Week 11: No Pocket for Old Men

Last week, I made two predictions. Panthers 16, Packers 3 was the first. Yale 34, Harvard 20 was the second.

Let’s start with The Game. I thought Yale, as it had all (perfect) season, would ride phenom RB Mike McLeod to victory. In breaking down the game, I’d even said:

“Wide receivers: Who cares?! We have Mike McLeod!”


Apparently, someone at Harvard saw it the same way. The Cantabs stacked the box against the run, forcing Yale to rely on its passing game. QB Matt Polhemus was brilliant, connecting with a variety of receivers, regrettably many of them Harvard defenders. Harvard crushed Yale, 37-6.

My friend Katie emailed me about it later:

“Btw, did you cry when Harvard spanked Yale?”

My response:

“FIRST OF ALL, the game was much closer than the 37-0 score in the third would make it appear. Second of all, you shut up.”

Onto the game. . .

Although the Panthers had Vinny Testaverde steering its high-powered offense, the team was without WR Steve Smith (officially out with a shin injury; unofficially out researching workplace violence best practices). It was like being given Buckingham Palace without any electricity.

Green Bay scored its first touchdown off of a trick play. . .a Carolina trick play. “Leg of God” K John Kasay lined up for a fake FG, then punted it to obtain better field position. Green Bay ran it back 94 yards for a touchdown. Why didn’t it work? Maybe it was because the Packers had seen Carolina do it the previous week against Tennessee. Or maybe because Carolina only had ten men on the field. (Speaking of which, kudos to H Jason Baker. Holders have three responsibilities: call the ready for the snap, hold the ball, and make sure you have 11 men on the field. 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Enjoy the CFL.)


The Packers went up 28-3 in the third. But talk about Testacular fortitude! Vinny led the Panthers right back into it, connecting with WR Drew Carter, Packers CB Charles Woodson, and TE Christian Fauria to put up two more scores. Ultimately, Packers squeaked by, 31-17.

In light of these disturbing results, I decided to go back and look at some of the other predictions I’ve made this year. Among them:

“If the Yankees should have blown the bank on anyone before the trade deadline, it’s Eric Gagne.”

“Liberals who claim that military autocrats cannot coexist with a fair and democratic society need look no further than Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf.”

“You can’t say enough about the brilliance of the major banks in pooling mortgage-backed securities in a way that virtually eliminates the risk for the average investor! With Moody’s and S&P as watchdogs, the system’s built-in safeguards are foolproof!”

“Once Congress and the American public become aware of the fact that we torture people in our custody, there will be riots in the streets. Performers who may be on tour at the time, such as Miley Cyrus, will be lucky to generate any sort of interest."


“David Chase has had nine years to think about an ending for The Sopranos, so you know it’s going to be phenomenal!”

“Every network that passed on the opportunity to run a surefire hit like ‘Cavemen’ will be kicking themselves come sweeps week.”

“If we want to bring our troops out of Iraq soon, we need a third party like moveon.org to begin a public education campaign.”

Random quote:

“Late in the third quarter, Testaverde threw a 2-yd pass to TE Christian Fauria, who launched into an enthusiastic end-zone celebration with his team trailing by three scores.”

- AP coverage of the Packers-Panthers game

Next week: America’s Team meets a struggling Saints team. Winner stays in the race with the Bucs for a playoff spot, loser starts looking ahead to next season.

Prediction: Pan – Actually. Just to be safe, New Orleans 24, Carolina 17.

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Week 10: Eyes on the Prize

In thumbing his nose at the Constitution and the Supreme Court and attacking the lawyers defending them, the president cited as justification Abraham Lincoln's (unlawful) suspension of habeas corpus during the Civil War. I am speaking of course about Pervez Musharraf, the president of Pakistan who recently incurred universal condemnation (well, but for a few key allies) for his suspension of democratic institutions and the imposition of martial law in Pakistan.



Lawyers across Pakistan had taken to the streets, enduring beatings and incarceration for demanding the reinstatement of the Constitution and the Supreme Court. In a show of support for our Pakistani colleagues, the ABA organized a protest march for lawyers in D.C. from 11:30 to 12:00 last Wednesday. "Support" apparently means exactly 0.5 billable hours.

The march was scheduled to start at 11:30, and by the time I got off of the Metro, I was afraid I'd missed the start. But when I arrived at the James Madison Building of the Library of Congress, the lawyers were still congregating about, preening for the reporters hemming them in on all sides.

'How's the protest rally going?' emailed my colleague Ferdose.

'Terribly,' I wrote back. 'Perhaps I shouldn't have worn my Musharraf '08 shirt.'

We were an unending sea of black and charcoal, a sign of visual support for our similarly-attired Pakistani colleagues. By the time I was able to pick out Amanda and a few of my other Guantanamo colleagues, the speeches had begun.

". . .We, the lawyers of America, stand shoulder to shoulder with the brave lawyers and citizens of Pakistan as you strive to preserve the rule of law in your nation. . ."

"Excuse me," came a whisper at my shoulder. The source was an ABA rep holding a clipboard. "Would you like to sign this petition in support of the Pakistani lawyers?"

"Absolutely," I said, taking the clipboard from her hand.

". . .An independent judicial system and a just constitution are cornerstones of all lawful societies. The arrests of Pakistani's Supreme Court justices, and of thousand of lawyers, judges, and civil leaders, are a profound breach of the rule of law. . ."

I crossed my 't's with a flourish. "Absolutely," I said again, as I handed the clipboard back to her.

"Thanks," she said brightly. "And here's a pin to wear during the march to show your support." I took the green ribbon and began twirling it between my thumb and forefinger.

". . .We call upon President Pervez Musharraf to free those lawyers and civil leaders who have been wrongly jailed. . ."

"Aren't you going to pin it on?" whispered Amanda.

I shook my head, holding a lapel out for her inspection. "The fabric's Italian. . ."

D.C. being a small city, and there only being so much room at the Capitol, other protest groups wandered in and out of ours. A diminutive Chinese lady circumambulated the crowd, trying to distribute flyers about the Falun Gong. More intriguingly, several individuals dressed in blue velvet whale costumes passed by on the sidewalk, waved to us, and kept walking. I would love to tell you that they were protesting the endangerment of whales, but I honestly didn't see a sign.

After the speeches, it was time for the march. The plan was for us to march vigorously from the Madison Building all the way to the Supreme Court. For those of you not familiar with D.C. geography, that's approximately 1 city block. Some might say, doesn't the Supreme Court of the United States have zero influence on this issue, and wouldn't it make more sense to march on the Pakistani embassy? To which I would politely respond, yes, but the Pakistani embassy isn't on the Blue and Orange lines, now is it?

No one had thought to come up with any slogans to sing out, so the "march" ended up being a bunch of people in dark suits walking in orderly fashion down the street. We looked like lobbyists popping out for a spot of lunch. It was probably one of the most orderly protests the nearby cops had ever seen, what with all of the participants fully cognizant of the extent of their First Amendment rights.

At least another protest group, the Pink Ladies, had joined ours and was engaging curious passers-by. "The brave lawyers of Pakistan are risking life and limb to defend the principles of law and justice. They have been kicked, yelled at, beaten, and arrested. . ."

"Did you bring any sunscreen?" I whispered to Amanda.

"No."

". . .We're showing our support for the courageous men and women of Pakistan, who, led by their legal community, remind citizens of all nations that justice and the rule of law and both precious and fragile. . ."

"My neck itches," I complained.

("Sorry," Amanda told me later, as we took the Metro to Chinatown. "I don't even carry sunglasses in this season." "Season?" I repeated. "What 'season' are we in exactly? Solar eclipse season?")

Collectively, we ground to a stop in front of the Supreme Court. We were supposed to walk around it once, but since we’d gotten off to a late start, most people just walked back to the Metro. Amanda and I walked up the steps of the Supreme Court, stood at the top and pumped our fists in the air in defiance. This had the sole effect of startling some clerks who were returning from lunch.

Then, in a final show of support to the fearless spirit of our Muslim brethren, we sat down for some sliders and pepperoni pizza.

Onto the game. . .

Steve Smith Homicide Watch: Charlotte Observer columnist Tom Sorensen

After the Panthers' 20-13 loss to Atlanta last weekend, the snarky newspaper columnist asked Smith (5-for-61) whether this was the most frustrated he's been as a Panther. "Who said I was frustrated?" asked Smith. Sorensen said that he sensed as much.

Smith's response: "You're not going to get me to say that I'm unhappy here and all that stuff. . . .I mean, you didn't play sports so you wouldn't understand anyway, Sorensen."

How did the Panthers perform on Sunday? A strong showing by the Big Cat D. After Atlanta's opening touchdown drive, the game devolved into a field goal battle, with Carolina's lone touchdown the result of a defensive fumble recovery. Another year, another trip to the IR for LB Dan Morgan, which amounts to $750K in cap space keeping the bench warm. However his replacement, rookie Jon Beason, was phenomenal, notching 11 tackles, and helping to hold the game at 13-all with less than two minutes to play.

But the offense was anemic, even behind the indefatigable arm of Vinny Testaverde. The Panthers were ultimately undone on special teams. With shades of K John Kasay's infamous short punt at the end of Super Bowl XXXVIII, a 23-yard punt return allowed the Falcons to start their final drive at the 50-yard line with less than two minutes to play. Broken tackles by safeties Chris Harris and Quinton Teal allowed TE Alge Crumpler into the end zone for the game-deciding score.



I could dwell on the Panthers' woes on offense, their quarterback carousel, the inability of any second receiver to take the pressure off of Steve Smith, and a running game about as committed as Fred Thompson's presidential bid.

I could dwell on that, but I want to instead turn to a certain other team that the country is talking about, on the verge of making history by going undefeated behind one of the most impressive offenses seen in decades. I'm talking of course about the phenomenal Yale football team, currently 9-0, 6-0 Ivy, setting up a showdown with Harvard this weekend (7-2, 6-0) between two teams that are undefeated intraconference, to determine the '07 Ivy League crown!

How does this Yale team stack up to that other undefeated team?

Quarterback: QB Tom Brady dates Gisele Bundchen. QB Matt Polhemus '08 dates the "Gisele Bundchen" of the Molecular Biophysics & Biochemistry department.

Coach: Jack Siedlecki dresses in clothes from Barrie Ltd. Booters. Bill Belichik dresses like a cornerman.

RB: Lawrence Maroney is averaging 4.7 yards per carry and Sammy Morris is out for the season. Mike McLeod '09 has already set Yale records for rushing yards in a game, touchdowns in a career, consecutive games scoring touchdowns (besting Calvin Hill '69's record), points in a career, touchdowns in a season, carries in a season, and consecutive 100-yard rushing games (besting Buffalo Bills coach Dick Jauron '73's record).



Wide receivers: Who cares?! We have Mike McLeod!

Prediction: Yale 34, Harvard 20

Next week, the Panthers travel to Green Bay to take on the 8-1 Packers and the overhyped Brett Favre. A blowout, most expect, a showcase for the Pack. Honestly, do you really expect the Pack to go 15-1? Do you? Or do you think this will be the week that the Panthers expose the fraudulence on the tundra, and leave the cheese-heads looking like Chris Hansen just walked into their kitchen?

Prediction: Panthers 16, Packers 3

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Week 9: Carolina Gangsters

One of the tax partners, Karl, was in my office on Friday giving me advice on speakers. Asking an audiophile like Karl advice on sound systems is like asking my advice on cameras -- if you're just looking for something basic, our relative expertise is wasted.

Having talked me into considering a pair of Martin Logans, his work in my office was done. On his way out, he extolled in passing the virtues of building a system piecemeal with very nice components, like the "ten thousand dollar CD player" owned by fellow tax partner and audiophile Carol.

"Wait, what?"

Karl stopped halfway through my doorway.

"A ten thousand dollar CD player?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes. Ten thousand dollars."

"C'mon."

"No, really. It's an SACD."

"Okay," I said, "I can understand there's a difference between a nice CD player and, say, a Discman. But what does a ten thousand dollar CD player do that a five hundred dollar Harmon Karmon 5-disc changer doesn't?"

"By the same token, what does my Porsche do that your Mercedes doesn't?"

"Compensate?"

Onto the game. . .

This week, we introduce a new feature: the Steve Smith Homicide Watch. This feature will keep track of all the warning signs up to and including the moment the Panthers wide receiver murders one of his teammates.

Consider:

With QB Jake Delhomme as the starter for the first two games, Smith went 7-for-118 and 8-for-153 (but yelled at Delhomme during the Houston loss for throwing to aWR Keary Colbert instead of him, resulting in a 3-and-out (dropped pass)). During the Arizona game, in which QB Vinny Testaverde played a complete game, Smith went 10-for-136.

Enter QB David Carr. During the Atlanta game, in which Carr came in for an injured Delhomme, Smith went 1-for-10; Tampa Bay, 5-for-32 (and was seen screaming into the phone at the offensive coaches in the press box); New Orleans, 4-for-47; Indy, and 2-for-18 (and was seen screaming at David Carr on the sidelines during the fourth quarter).



A few days after the Indy loss, two reporters were talking to second-round bust WR Dwayne "The Phantom" Jarrett in the locker room, when Smith came up behind them. "Instead of talking to the media, why don't you go watch some game film?" said Smith, in the presence of the reporters. Jarrett smiled and tried to laugh it off. "Seriously," said Smith, before walking away.

By Week 12, expect him to go Rae Carruth on the next fantasy owner that comes up to him and tells him how much he's killing his team.

How was last week's performance against the Titans? Closer than it looked (20-7), but still dreadful. The Panthers managed fewer than 80 yards on the ground on 21 carries. David Carr, displaying all of the athleticism of Terry Schiavo was sacked seven times, threw an interception, and lost a fumble. It was so bad that Titans DT Albert Haynesworth found Carr's performance praiseworthy. "You've got to credit David Carr too because he held the ball," he said after the game. "That allowed me to get there a little bit." The 320-pound Haynesworth kept busting through the Growling Wall at will like some kind of Bizarro Kool-Aid Man. My favorite part, though, was that throughout all of this, Carr kept checking the play codes on his wristband. What kind of plays do you suppose are on there? "Drop back, hold ball, wait." "Move to hole in O-line, look increasingly terrified, make peace with God.")

And Smith was held to 3-for-15 (screaming as he walked off the field about not getting enough throws).

One of the few bright spots for YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS was that earlier this week, Testaverde was practicing with the first team offense. Good news for Carolina fans. Good news for people within sighting distance of Steve Smith.

Random quote:

"We knew Carr would feel the rush, because he's always worried about us. We knew he might be kind of extra scared or worried about our defense."

- Titans DT Albert Haynesworth, giving credit where credit is due

Next week: the Panthers, still just one game out of the division lead (Tampa Bay) host intra-conference rival Atlanta. The Falcons are 2-6, but the Panthers are winless at home.

You know those commercials they'll run for movies, the ones that consist of fake "testimonials" from actors posing as moviegoers, talking about how much they loved the movie and how everyone should see it? These are hilarious on a number of levels. First, they NEVER run these ads for a movie that's doing well. So, multiple executives have bought into the idea that if a movie's doing poorly, I will see watch commercial and think, "You know, that Asian guy in that ethnicity- and gender-balanced group looks a lot like me. I think I will see 'Because I Said So.'"

With the Panthers still winless at home and struggling on both sides of the ball, Jerry Richardson may need to borrow this strategy to fill seats. Here's how the commercial might sound:

"We saw David Carr, and my son ran over to him to get his picture taken, and Carr immediately took a knee!"

"It was so awesome, I got to shake Dan Morgan's hand! But I think now he might need Tommy John surgery."

"We grabbed Julius Peppers' hat as a prank, and he tried to put pressure on us from the left side, but got single-blocked by the Gatorade cooler."

"I couldn't believe how easy it was to get Dwayne Jarrett's autograph! There was no line or nuthin'!"

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Week 8: Vinny in Real Life

I had a physical two Fridays ago. It was with a new doctor. I change my doctor every year. Not that I ever have a problem with the doctors I get, I can just never remember whom I went to the previous time. So I use Mapquest to figure out the closest one and designate myself a new primary care provider.

I really should write things down more.

In some sense, though, I have to believe that for a doctor who does this day in and day out, giving me a physical must be kind of a treat. Like the special ed teacher who gets an honor student for tutoring.

“Do you have any allergies?” I was sitting on that loud crinkling paper like the last brownie on the tray as the new doc (“Brickie”) took my patient history. I was wearing some sort of tunic made out of hamburger wrappers.

“No.”

“Fatigue, shortness of breath?”

“Nope.”

“Depression, anxiety?”

“No.”

This was going swimmingly, I thought. I wished more women asked these types of questions on dates. So that it wasn't just me talking about it.

“Do you smoke?”

“Never.”

“Drink?”

“Socially.”

“Control your portion size?”

“Lady, I weigh a buck forty-nine!”

“Sorry,” she said, looking up. “It’s on the form.”

I don’t know the last time any of you had a checkup, but what’s amusing these days is how sensitive doctors are to a patient’s sense of privacy. I was lying back on the table as she checked my breathing. “Now I’m going to remove the gown from your arm,” she said reassuringly as she slid off the armhole, careful not to expose any more of my shoulder than necessary. No doubt these precautions were the fallout from the good ol’ days when doctors used to violently sodomize their patients. (Perhaps I should have told her I wore half as much most mornings anyway.)

Then she asked my permission to perform a testicular exam.

I’ll spare the female readership the details of what makes it so comical, but you can surmise for yourself by imagining if she took the same approach to cooking me dinner.

“I’m about to take your wine glass in my hand, is that okay?”

“Fine.”

“What I’m doing now is checking to see if it’s empty. Now, with my other hand, I’m going to lightly grip the wine bottle.”

“Sure, whatever.” I look straight ahead, strenuously avoiding any sort of eye contact.

“I’m going to now move the wine bottle closer to the glass and – ”

“Yes. Glass. Wine. Refill. Understood.”

Protracted silence until she’s finished with the wine glass.

“Now, in a second, I’m going to have you turn around so that I can examine your napkin holder. . .”

“Okay,” she said. She had finished, and was at the sink, washing her hands.

Okay what? “That’s it?” I asked. Immediately, I regretted it. I sounded like a perv.

“Is there anything else?” she asked.

“Well, one thing.” ‘1 in 5 people have herpes’ screamed the STD poster, ‘Flu season is approaching!’ screamed the wellness poster, ‘Can you spot the hidden picture?’ screamed the 2004 Highlights magazine. Doctors have a curious approach to decorating. Concerned antagonism. “You know, I’ve been thinking of going onto either Propecia or Rogaine.”

The paper towel stopped halfway along her hand, and she looked at me skeptically, the way one examines a piece of badly-dented furniture after being quoted an obscene price at a flea market.

“Are you noticing any hair loss?”

“Not really.”

She didn’t say anything. The beautiful ones are always dumb, she thought to herself.

“My understanding,” I said quickly, to fill in the silence, “is that these products are good for preventing hair loss, and that it’s best to start taking them before you actually start losing your hair.” I didn’t include that the sole source of this information was ‘The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch.’ I thought that might undercut my scientific credibility.

She wrote me a prescription with great reluctance. So I thought I should open it up to general discussion. Does anyone have an opinion about whether and when to take hair loss products?

Your answers will, of course, be weighted according to your level of actual hair loss. And/or insecurity.

Onto the game. . .

70,000 plus were rocking Bank of America last Sunday, some, institutional investors, bemoaning BoA’s exposure to mortgage-backed securities, but most there for the second chapter in The Greatest Football Story Ever Told, the resurrection of Vinny Testaverde! One of the most dominant teams in NFL history, America’s Team, YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS were playing host to Peyton Manning and the Colts in what was widely regarded as a Super Bowl preview.

Tapped by Coach Fox to start ahead of backup QB David Carr, the King of Kings led the Panthers on the greatest opening drive in Carolina history! 18 plays spanning 11 minutes! WWVTD? Seven run plays, eleven pass plays, and the Lamb of Jerry Richardson put the Panthers up 7-0!


On the other side of the ball, Peyton Manning’s offense proved about as substantive as a FEMA press conference. The first half was a tale of domination, printed on parchment of pain. The Panthers controlled the ball for more than 22 minutes of the first half. The Colts, stumbling worse than Hilary Clinton on immigration issues, managed just 3 points in their first five drives. Manning failed to convert a third down in the first half, and completed fewer than 50 percent of his passes all game.

Having had his way with the Colts, what did Coach Fox do in the second half? There was protracted debate last week as to whether the Pats ran up the score on the Redskins. Personally, I don’t think that just because a team’s offense and defense are hopelessly ineffective that the opposing coach is obligated to throw out his entire pass playbook, signal to the other team to stack 8 men in the box, play Marty-ball for more than a quarter and give the lesser team more chances to get back in the game.

But that’s why John Fox is an NFL coach and I’m just a handsome Internet journalist and bounty hunter. Why tip more of your playbook and risk your key players to a team you may end up defeating in the Super Bowl? Fox wisely pulled Testaverde early in the third (right around the time that he reaggravated an Achilles injury for our sins). Fox then had to decide between going with the stalagmitic David Carr or undrafted rookie Matt Moore, which is akin to being trapped on a desert island with a choice of Joel Osteen or Tony Little as your sole companion.


But consider Fox’s genius. Looking ahead to this weekend’s matchup with the Patriots, Fox knew that sending a demoralized Colts team to next week’s matchup would almost certainly result in a New England victory. On the other hand, sending in a team feeling good about themselves might result in a squad he knew how to beat facing the Panthers in the Super Bowl. Thanks to Fox’s brilliance, the Colts were handed a meaningless victory against the Panthers’ B team in garbage time, final score 31-7.

Random quote

Just when Favrelove couldn’t become any more insipid, along comes booth-chemistry-murdering Emmitt Smith with this insightful commentary after the Packers’ MNF overtime win over the Broncos:

“That’s why Brett Favre (dramatically pausing on each word, ESPN-commentator-style) is the_best_quarterback_in_football_today. Sure, Brady and Manning may have all of the statistics and numbers. . .”

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Week 7: Bye