Week 9: Carolina Gangsters

One of the tax partners, Karl, was in my office on Friday giving me advice on speakers. Asking an audiophile like Karl advice on sound systems is like asking my advice on cameras -- if you're just looking for something basic, our relative expertise is wasted.

Having talked me into considering a pair of Martin Logans, his work in my office was done. On his way out, he extolled in passing the virtues of building a system piecemeal with very nice components, like the "ten thousand dollar CD player" owned by fellow tax partner and audiophile Carol.

"Wait, what?"

Karl stopped halfway through my doorway.

"A ten thousand dollar CD player?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes. Ten thousand dollars."

"C'mon."

"No, really. It's an SACD."

"Okay," I said, "I can understand there's a difference between a nice CD player and, say, a Discman. But what does a ten thousand dollar CD player do that a five hundred dollar Harmon Karmon 5-disc changer doesn't?"

"By the same token, what does my Porsche do that your Mercedes doesn't?"

"Compensate?"

Onto the game. . .

This week, we introduce a new feature: the Steve Smith Homicide Watch. This feature will keep track of all the warning signs up to and including the moment the Panthers wide receiver murders one of his teammates.

Consider:

With QB Jake Delhomme as the starter for the first two games, Smith went 7-for-118 and 8-for-153 (but yelled at Delhomme during the Houston loss for throwing to aWR Keary Colbert instead of him, resulting in a 3-and-out (dropped pass)). During the Arizona game, in which QB Vinny Testaverde played a complete game, Smith went 10-for-136.

Enter QB David Carr. During the Atlanta game, in which Carr came in for an injured Delhomme, Smith went 1-for-10; Tampa Bay, 5-for-32 (and was seen screaming into the phone at the offensive coaches in the press box); New Orleans, 4-for-47; Indy, and 2-for-18 (and was seen screaming at David Carr on the sidelines during the fourth quarter).



A few days after the Indy loss, two reporters were talking to second-round bust WR Dwayne "The Phantom" Jarrett in the locker room, when Smith came up behind them. "Instead of talking to the media, why don't you go watch some game film?" said Smith, in the presence of the reporters. Jarrett smiled and tried to laugh it off. "Seriously," said Smith, before walking away.

By Week 12, expect him to go Rae Carruth on the next fantasy owner that comes up to him and tells him how much he's killing his team.

How was last week's performance against the Titans? Closer than it looked (20-7), but still dreadful. The Panthers managed fewer than 80 yards on the ground on 21 carries. David Carr, displaying all of the athleticism of Terry Schiavo was sacked seven times, threw an interception, and lost a fumble. It was so bad that Titans DT Albert Haynesworth found Carr's performance praiseworthy. "You've got to credit David Carr too because he held the ball," he said after the game. "That allowed me to get there a little bit." The 320-pound Haynesworth kept busting through the Growling Wall at will like some kind of Bizarro Kool-Aid Man. My favorite part, though, was that throughout all of this, Carr kept checking the play codes on his wristband. What kind of plays do you suppose are on there? "Drop back, hold ball, wait." "Move to hole in O-line, look increasingly terrified, make peace with God.")

And Smith was held to 3-for-15 (screaming as he walked off the field about not getting enough throws).

One of the few bright spots for YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS was that earlier this week, Testaverde was practicing with the first team offense. Good news for Carolina fans. Good news for people within sighting distance of Steve Smith.

Random quote:

"We knew Carr would feel the rush, because he's always worried about us. We knew he might be kind of extra scared or worried about our defense."

- Titans DT Albert Haynesworth, giving credit where credit is due

Next week: the Panthers, still just one game out of the division lead (Tampa Bay) host intra-conference rival Atlanta. The Falcons are 2-6, but the Panthers are winless at home.

You know those commercials they'll run for movies, the ones that consist of fake "testimonials" from actors posing as moviegoers, talking about how much they loved the movie and how everyone should see it? These are hilarious on a number of levels. First, they NEVER run these ads for a movie that's doing well. So, multiple executives have bought into the idea that if a movie's doing poorly, I will see watch commercial and think, "You know, that Asian guy in that ethnicity- and gender-balanced group looks a lot like me. I think I will see 'Because I Said So.'"

With the Panthers still winless at home and struggling on both sides of the ball, Jerry Richardson may need to borrow this strategy to fill seats. Here's how the commercial might sound:

"We saw David Carr, and my son ran over to him to get his picture taken, and Carr immediately took a knee!"

"It was so awesome, I got to shake Dan Morgan's hand! But I think now he might need Tommy John surgery."

"We grabbed Julius Peppers' hat as a prank, and he tried to put pressure on us from the left side, but got single-blocked by the Gatorade cooler."

"I couldn't believe how easy it was to get Dwayne Jarrett's autograph! There was no line or nuthin'!"

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!