Week 3: The Carr Ultimatum

OPEN LETTER TO BLACK PEOPLE FROM THE GOP

Re: The Tavis Smiley Incident

Look, it’s unfair to say that Republicans don’t care about black people.
That’s just not true. Why, once every four Novembers, we care about you all
a lot. That’s when you’ll see us at a barbeque, or clapping off-rhythm to a
gospel choir. Would we do that if we didn’t care?

When Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, and tens of thousands of black
people were left without homes, President Bush sent his top guy down there
to help. Mike Brown was not only a personal friend of Bush’s campaign
manager, but he also had a ton of experience as an administrative assistant
for the city manager of Edmond, Oklahoma. Okay, so, maybe he wasn’t the
most qualified person we could have put in charge of disaster relief. But
the Republican administration committed $85 billion to Katrina relief. $85
billion! Now that’s what I call ‘reparations’! Okay, so we’ve spent more
than $450 billion on the Iraq War, despite the fact that there has never
been a proven connection between Saddam Hussein and 9/11, and al Qaida was
never in Iraq until we invaded, and the plans for invading Iraq were already
in place as of September 17, 2001. Sometimes you have to make the world
incredibly unsafe in order to make it _more_ safe. Look, we’re getting away
from the point here.

Let’s try something different here, multiple choice. When Republican
politicians speak to a black audience, they will quote which of the
following African-American luminaries:

A. Zora Neale Hurston
B. W.E.B. DuBois
C. Booker T. Washington
D. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Everyone said “D”? Wait, wait, bad example. Of course we’re familiar with
black culture. Like this Jena 6 stuff. Believe me, we understand what you’
re going through right now, and no one is more outraged than we are. We
just can’t talk about the Jena 6 publicly because, well, it kind of
undercuts our arguments against affirmative action to admit that there’s
still racism. Plus, no one really understands what the issue is – Fox News
isn’t covering it. But we care, really we do; we have all of their albums.

Let’s try the multiple choice thing again. Which of the following is most
likely to be in the “Hip Hop” section of a Republican’s iPod?
A. Talib Kweli
B. DJ Kool Herc
C. RZA
D. Will Smith

You said “D” again? What do you people want?! We gave you Condi and Colin,
for crying out loud! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that came out wrong. Look, this
is obviously going nowhere. My point is that, yes we get excited about
sending brown people to Guantanamo Bay for the remainder of their natural
lives without ever charging them with a crime, and yes we get excited
building walls in Texas to keep out dark-skinned people willing to do the
jobs none of us are willing to do, but that doesn’t mean that once every
four years we won’t welcome you into our house with open arms.

Just put this towel down before you sit on our couch. Your hair and all.

Onto the game. . .

It’s only the third week, where bad teams still look good and vice versa, yet the storylines that writers will return to all season ad nauseam are already being written:

- Brett Favre is playing like a kid again
- Vince Young just wins games
- YOUR CAROLINA PANTHERS are. . .enigmatic

Last Sunday, the League’s Jekyll-and-Hyde squadron traveled to Fulton County, Georgia, to meet NFC South rival Atlanta Falcons in their home opener.

You have to feel for Bobby Petrino. After leading Louisville to victory in this year’s Orange Bowl, he headed to the NFL expecting the keys to the league’s best rushing quarterback and playoff-worthy roster depth. Instead, they trade away Matt Schaub and he finds himself on opening day with Joey Harrington, who brings all the excitement of a spreadsheet. And last week, they signed for wingy Jacksonville reject Byron Leftwich. You would think the team was forcing itself into some kind of penance.

Because of the Michael Vick situation.

There’s justifiable outrage, and then there’s the thrill of watching someone powerful go down, and there was definitely blood in the water over the dogfighting scandal. Condemning dogfighting became the “it” indignation, replacing the chic harangues against Don Imus. Righteous fury over mistreatment of dogs is a surefire way to score cheap political points even as you stand there in your leather shoes, eating veal, wearing hygiene products that were animal-tested.

Without adding credibility to the paranoia of Donovan McNabb, I do believe that there are certain indifferent, unapologetic black athletes like your Michael Vicks, your Terrell Owens, your Barry Bonds, that the public wants to see go down. Where Jason Carter might have been accorded the benefit of the doubt in a similar scandal, the public was already tying the noose for Vick. Yet for all the outrage, to see how it all ends, look no further than the Bertuzzi-Moore fight in the NHL back in ‘04 (where Moore left the ice with deep gashes in his face and a broken neck after being jumped from behind and driven into the ice by Bertuzzi), where even the banshees on The View were calling for a ban on all hockey fights in the days that followed. But after Bertuzzi’s suspension ended, nary a canary peeped when he returned to the league. You see, it’s difficult to stay outraged on one topic these days. There are too many channels.

But I do derive one small piece of satisfaction out of this.

Screw you, Theisman! Screw you!

Ever since the Monday night Panthers-Falcons game when Theisman kept gushing about Vick even while the Carolina offense was on the field, I’ve hated him. Not to mention the fact that his “analysis” on MNF consisted of zero percent football analysis, 50 percent moronic superlatives such as “all-time quality guys in the league” “possibly one of the most passionate players in the history of football in all of football” and 50 percent insipid declarations where the implied alternative is clearly not a conscious option (“The offense has to come on and score some points on this drive.” “The defense really needs to step it up and make a stop here.” “[Quarterback] has to start connecting with his receivers.”)

Miraculously, during the offseason, his bosses realized it too. And now he’s gone.

The game was tight early. The Big Cat D, Where NFL Offenses Go To Rebuild Their Self-Esteem, allowed the Atlanta offense to stay in the game, tackling with all the sincerity of a compliment during happy hour.



The Falcons led 17-10 in the third, largely because WR Steve Smith, had been kept in check by DeAngelo Hall. But even when he’s not scoring, the Nureyev of the Slant Route can still win ball games for you! Jawing with the overconfident Hall, Smith cannily egged him into committing 3 penalties for 67 yards on the same drive, resulting in a 5-yd TD pass to TE Jeff King! Carolina using its tight ends?! What a team! What a game! 17 all!

Then, a scare for the Tar Heel Terror Squad. QB Jake Delhomme went down with an elbow injury. In comes the strangely androgynous David Carr. Had you told me earlier this spring that I’d be watching a football game between Joey Harrington and David Carr, I’d have asked when I started watching CFL.

Carr looks like he’d be more at home at a Scissor Sisters concert than a football field. When he entered, he was wearing bright white gloves; it wasn’t clear whether he was going to quarterback to do a magic trick. (Reports the Charlotte Observer: David Carr has different-colored gloves to match the different Carolina jerseys! Which tells me two things: i. David Carr is no Ken Stabler, and ii. the Observer must be some kind of football writers’ graveyard. In next week’s Observer: where Rex Grossman gets his eyebrows waxed!)

But Carr was more than serviceable, connecting on 3-for-4 and driving the Cats to the very doorstep of the end zone. With the stoic heroism of Wallace at Stirling, the engine of Carolina’s new zone rushing scheme, RB DeShaun Foster, drives in the go-ahead score! Panthers take the lead!

Final score: 27-17. Panthers win! Panthers win!

Reader mail:

From Jess T., in NYC:

“Roberto and his friend were in the US visiting during the last
presidential election and I remember just being so disappointed and
dumbfounded that Kerry lost, I just couldn't believe it.

Roberto: I know why he lost.
Me: Why?
Roberto: His face. He's too ugly to be president. People won't vote for
an ugly person to be president.

Seriously maybe all the political analysts should listen to these
explanations.....maybe it is that simple.”

Random quote:

“I don’t recognize that name. Who? General Jameson?”

-Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) last Friday, in response to a reporter’s question about a Capitol tour one of his aides was giving porn star Jenna Jameson and meatwall UFC champ Tito Ortiz

Next week: Playing for control(!) of the AFC South, the Panthers host bitter rivals Tampa Bay. Will Delhomme be ready to play, or will it be the Dame Edna Carr? Will the always bizarrely-injured LB Dan Morgan (who left the Falcons game with a bruised shoulder, tight hamstring, and heel pain. From the same play.) suit up? Whatever happens on Sunday, it’ll be drinking Cheerwine, wearing NASCAR gear, and have really bad tan lines. Carolina-Tampa Bay.

Until next time.

RROWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

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