Week 20: Last Holiday
The crazy secretary across from me has an uncanny ability to find leftover food. If there were a way to tag al qaida transmissions with cake, she would eliminate the need for a department of homeland security. On Thursday, I went on a date with a local badminton champion. It started
off poorly, but it turned out well after I got us some drinks. btw, if you've never been, I recommend zengo's. it won't fill you up, but really good food (Jap-Lat), terrific atmosphere.
the icebreakers were key. she's really into animals (she loves the baby panda, Tai Shan), and wants to volunteer at the National Zoo.
Me: "Have you seen 'March of the Penguins?'"
Emily: "I absolutely loved it!"
Me: "Here's my question..."
Emily: "Okay."
Me: "...and maybe they answer it on the DVD. But, during the course of filming, how many penguins..."
Emily: "Uh huh."
Me: "...did the producers eat?"
Had I pulled Tai Shan out of my bag and twisted his neck in front of her, her expression would have been the same.
Onto the game...
From the preseason Sports Illustrated cover, the expectations were set high. "Super Bowl XL: Panthers-Colts." Last Sunday, everybody's favorite underdogs, the Tenacious Tar Heels, your CAROLINA PANTHERS entered Seattle one game away from their destiny. Not since Alexander the Great had an invading force seemed more imposing. Not since Mayans v. Malaria had a fight been more one-sided. The Panthers arrived on Sunday with more heart than health. Demonic DE Julius Peppers was playing with a separated shoulder. RB DeShaun Foster (talent-wise, the hot chick in the bar at 11 pm) had snapped his ankle in Chicago, leaving John Fox no choice but to start third-string RB Nick Goings (talent-wise, the drunk chick still in the bar at 2:30 am).
With evil billionaire-owner Paul Allen cackling in binary code on the sideline, Carolina started its third conference championship game in its eleven-year history. The Seattle fans stood quietly sipping their mocha soy lattes, dressed in the jeans they paid a premium to look weathered and
ripped. Seattle's game plan was simple: put 36 guys on WR Steve Smith and take their chances on the run. From the outset, the mighty Panthers, whose last three game had effectively
been must-win away games, (and who had to play an extra game while Seattle rested) looked average. "Windows Error 404: Receiver not found!" The always-reliable QB Jake Delhomme was getting hurried in the pocket, and with a mosh pit around Smith, couldn't find anyone to throw to. Tragedy! Late in the first, RB Nick Goings collided with midget dervish ML Lofa Tatupu the way a crash test dummy collides with a steering wheel. Despite insisting that he was fine to "keep bowling," the concussed Goings was yanked and replaced with the fourth-string RB, backup equipment manager Jamal Robertson! Meanwhile, QB Matt Hasselbeck had racked up a cool 10 points by the end of the first. "Go Ichiro!" screamed the fans when their iPod
playlists finished.
"Windows Error 623: Team not responding!" Enter Steve Smith. Frustrated on offense, the plucky young speedster demanded the ball on the next punt, running it in for a score! Touchdown, Panthers! But regrettably, that would be the high point of the game for our heroes. With few receiver options and a running back who thirty minutes earlier had been scrubbing
jockstraps, Delhomme began making riskier passes, resulting in three turnovers. Normally reliable P Jason Baker clipped balls short, and Carolina's fabled cornerback tandem of Gamble and Lucas were getting beaten on coverage. Seattle continued downloading points behind RB Shaun Alexander, and in the end, it would be the progenitors of suburban angst who
eventually triumphed, 34-14.
People ask me, so how do you feel? Honestly? I really wanted them to win. And I'm not one of those people who goes around saying "we" and "us," I know it's just a sport, and I know they're a bunch of millionaires that I'll probably never interact with in my life. But still. For them, for
everybody back home--I really really really wanted them to win.
But I have to look at the bright side.
At least I'm not a Colts fan.
So, have the Brothers Hasselbeck replaced the Brothers Manning who replaced the Brothers Barber as football's most talented (active) family? Let's compare. Matt Hasselbeck has quarterbacked his team into the Super Bowl; Peyton has never made it to a conference game. Advantage: Hasselbeck. Tim and Matt's hairlines have been playing deep since their early twenties; Peyton and Eli sound like retarded donkeys. Advantage: Hasselbeck. Younger brother Eli couldn't score once in his first playoff game; younger brother Tim scores with Elizabeth Filarski every night. Advantage: Hasselbeck.
Now that it's over, perhaps the best way to express what we're all feeling right now is through a musical montage.
"It must have been cold there in my shadow/to never have sunlight on your face..."
Whatcha cookin', mama? Tough to say, because the Carolina D is all up in Willis McGahee's kitchen!
"..You were content to let me shine (that's your way)/You always walked a step behind..."
Why, 2000 Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke! It's throwback time in the Silverdome! The ageless Ricky Proehl is in at WR! Hogan slams Andre! Weinke's last seven passes are all to Ricky Proehl! We haven't seen this kind of chemistry since Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon!
"...So I was the one with all the glory/while you were the one with all the strength..."
Panthers' next possession, Delhomme looked for his favorite target, Nathan Vasher. A perfect pass to Vasher! The Bears defense hasn't seen this much action since Paris Hilton dumped Brian Urlacher!
"...A beautiful face without a name (for so long)/A beautiful smile to hide the pain..."
Smashmouth tackle by Ricky Manning results in a fumble. We had them at hello! Next Jets possession. Bollinger to McCareins intercepted by CB Chris Gamble! McCareins' head weighs eight pounds!
"...Did you ever know that you're my hero?..."
What did John Gruden tell his team at halftime? I don't know. It probably wasn't, "Hey, let CB Chris Gamble intercept you during our first possession and run it back for 61 yards." Which is what he did.
"...and everything I would like to be?..."
On Ericsson field there arose such a clatter! The Panthers were serving whoop-ass on a platter! Five sacks and two picks, the Panthers are rising! It's Carolina's world, so screw you, Theisman!
"...I can fly higher than an eagle..."
'I threw up twice after seeing his topless photos.' 'You have a stomach of iron. I only made it past the first topless photo.'
"...for you are the wind beneath my wings."
Until next year.
Rrowrrr!
off poorly, but it turned out well after I got us some drinks. btw, if you've never been, I recommend zengo's. it won't fill you up, but really good food (Jap-Lat), terrific atmosphere.
the icebreakers were key. she's really into animals (she loves the baby panda, Tai Shan), and wants to volunteer at the National Zoo.
Me: "Have you seen 'March of the Penguins?'"
Emily: "I absolutely loved it!"
Me: "Here's my question..."
Emily: "Okay."
Me: "...and maybe they answer it on the DVD. But, during the course of filming, how many penguins..."
Emily: "Uh huh."
Me: "...did the producers eat?"
Had I pulled Tai Shan out of my bag and twisted his neck in front of her, her expression would have been the same.
Onto the game...
From the preseason Sports Illustrated cover, the expectations were set high. "Super Bowl XL: Panthers-Colts." Last Sunday, everybody's favorite underdogs, the Tenacious Tar Heels, your CAROLINA PANTHERS entered Seattle one game away from their destiny. Not since Alexander the Great had an invading force seemed more imposing. Not since Mayans v. Malaria had a fight been more one-sided. The Panthers arrived on Sunday with more heart than health. Demonic DE Julius Peppers was playing with a separated shoulder. RB DeShaun Foster (talent-wise, the hot chick in the bar at 11 pm) had snapped his ankle in Chicago, leaving John Fox no choice but to start third-string RB Nick Goings (talent-wise, the drunk chick still in the bar at 2:30 am).
With evil billionaire-owner Paul Allen cackling in binary code on the sideline, Carolina started its third conference championship game in its eleven-year history. The Seattle fans stood quietly sipping their mocha soy lattes, dressed in the jeans they paid a premium to look weathered and
ripped. Seattle's game plan was simple: put 36 guys on WR Steve Smith and take their chances on the run. From the outset, the mighty Panthers, whose last three game had effectively
been must-win away games, (and who had to play an extra game while Seattle rested) looked average. "Windows Error 404: Receiver not found!" The always-reliable QB Jake Delhomme was getting hurried in the pocket, and with a mosh pit around Smith, couldn't find anyone to throw to. Tragedy! Late in the first, RB Nick Goings collided with midget dervish ML Lofa Tatupu the way a crash test dummy collides with a steering wheel. Despite insisting that he was fine to "keep bowling," the concussed Goings was yanked and replaced with the fourth-string RB, backup equipment manager Jamal Robertson! Meanwhile, QB Matt Hasselbeck had racked up a cool 10 points by the end of the first. "Go Ichiro!" screamed the fans when their iPod
playlists finished.
"Windows Error 623: Team not responding!" Enter Steve Smith. Frustrated on offense, the plucky young speedster demanded the ball on the next punt, running it in for a score! Touchdown, Panthers! But regrettably, that would be the high point of the game for our heroes. With few receiver options and a running back who thirty minutes earlier had been scrubbing
jockstraps, Delhomme began making riskier passes, resulting in three turnovers. Normally reliable P Jason Baker clipped balls short, and Carolina's fabled cornerback tandem of Gamble and Lucas were getting beaten on coverage. Seattle continued downloading points behind RB Shaun Alexander, and in the end, it would be the progenitors of suburban angst who
eventually triumphed, 34-14.
People ask me, so how do you feel? Honestly? I really wanted them to win. And I'm not one of those people who goes around saying "we" and "us," I know it's just a sport, and I know they're a bunch of millionaires that I'll probably never interact with in my life. But still. For them, for
everybody back home--I really really really wanted them to win.
But I have to look at the bright side.
At least I'm not a Colts fan.
So, have the Brothers Hasselbeck replaced the Brothers Manning who replaced the Brothers Barber as football's most talented (active) family? Let's compare. Matt Hasselbeck has quarterbacked his team into the Super Bowl; Peyton has never made it to a conference game. Advantage: Hasselbeck. Tim and Matt's hairlines have been playing deep since their early twenties; Peyton and Eli sound like retarded donkeys. Advantage: Hasselbeck. Younger brother Eli couldn't score once in his first playoff game; younger brother Tim scores with Elizabeth Filarski every night. Advantage: Hasselbeck.
Now that it's over, perhaps the best way to express what we're all feeling right now is through a musical montage.
"It must have been cold there in my shadow/to never have sunlight on your face..."
Whatcha cookin', mama? Tough to say, because the Carolina D is all up in Willis McGahee's kitchen!
"..You were content to let me shine (that's your way)/You always walked a step behind..."
Why, 2000 Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke! It's throwback time in the Silverdome! The ageless Ricky Proehl is in at WR! Hogan slams Andre! Weinke's last seven passes are all to Ricky Proehl! We haven't seen this kind of chemistry since Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon!
"...So I was the one with all the glory/while you were the one with all the strength..."
Panthers' next possession, Delhomme looked for his favorite target, Nathan Vasher. A perfect pass to Vasher! The Bears defense hasn't seen this much action since Paris Hilton dumped Brian Urlacher!
"...A beautiful face without a name (for so long)/A beautiful smile to hide the pain..."
Smashmouth tackle by Ricky Manning results in a fumble. We had them at hello! Next Jets possession. Bollinger to McCareins intercepted by CB Chris Gamble! McCareins' head weighs eight pounds!
"...Did you ever know that you're my hero?..."
What did John Gruden tell his team at halftime? I don't know. It probably wasn't, "Hey, let CB Chris Gamble intercept you during our first possession and run it back for 61 yards." Which is what he did.
"...and everything I would like to be?..."
On Ericsson field there arose such a clatter! The Panthers were serving whoop-ass on a platter! Five sacks and two picks, the Panthers are rising! It's Carolina's world, so screw you, Theisman!
"...I can fly higher than an eagle..."
'I threw up twice after seeing his topless photos.' 'You have a stomach of iron. I only made it past the first topless photo.'
"...for you are the wind beneath my wings."
Until next year.
Rrowrrr!
posted by Panther fan at 11:04 PM
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